you are leaving again.
i find myself saddened without tangible reason.
and i know that with my sadness should come some joy,
and if not joy,
then relief,
because when you are half the world away,
it becomes just a bit easier
to forget the times when you were so painfully closer.
i can look up at the moon — a pale phantom sliver —
and know that you do not gaze upon it at that same time.
in that moment,
the moon is mine.
i do not mind that the sun rises for you
so long as i cannot see it.
so i should breathe easy;
your absence gives me a little more room to love myself.
and yet —
there is always an “and yet” with you —
when the easier breathing begs for entrance to my lungs,
i turn it away.
to forget you would mean to forgo grieving,
and god knows i live for a good ache.
so i think of you,
faultless in the dim yellow glow.
images i shouldn't call upon.
small, soft moments when you seemed to see me.
i remember the time when you crowned me with a halo, deemed me an angel.
i imagine that you are the only one who could ever make me believe that i fit the part.
glowing.
i don't know if you were but i was.
glowing.
if we have to share the moon, then so be it.
i find myself saddened without tangible reason.
this is the part where you come in.
but you are leaving again.
i could ask myself if you were ever truly "here,"
but it always hurts the most to ask the questions i already know the answers to.
so i think, instead,
of you,
faultless in the dim yellow glow.
the pain is a little bit more bearable.
i imagine that maybe you were glowing, too.
(a.m.)
written 8.5.16 & 8.6.16. sorry for my brief absence. i hope you enjoy. xoxo.
