"You lack a vision for your life,"
"You are drowning in your own ambitions,"
"Do you genuinely believe you will succeed?"
"I cannot see you going that far in this journey,"

"Is this truly your purpose?"

Careful of your words, for I may cast you
As an antagonist in one of my countless stories,
Being a narrative, the WHOLE world shall see –
For I am a Writer!

I am an idol,
For those looking to find fickle peace,
After years of grueling pain.

I am the title,
To a collection of poems,
Featuring the every raw creation.

I am nothing compared to everything else,
But my creations can be something.

I knew this early on
But
I put it in a box
I wrapped it
taped it up
Put it as far away as I could
in the back of my mind
I hid this massive box away
under some smaller ones that I was saving for another day

After some time
Eventually
I starting opening the boxes
Began to process what was inside
It came time to look in this specific box
The one that I hid so distantly
As I opened the package
Feelings came jumping out
They came so fast
Worry
Dread
Sadness
and fear

The reality began to dawn on me
I had let him down
I hurt everyone by hiding this package so far away
I didn't want to see
Or remember
Something had began
And I desperately wanted it to just go away
It wouldn't
It won't

Disease only worsens with time
With no one to push him
To show him he's loved
He didn't see the point of trying to get help
I left the box for weeks
That time is endless when you feel so alone
He'd put it behind him
Ready to let time take it's course
I told him I wouldn't bring it up
That it wasn't anyone's business but his own
I told him it was his life
He could do what he chose
I tied it up and threw it in a ******* pile
For days
For weeks

Now I'm awakened
I see this so clearly
I shouldn't have said it wasn't my place
I was selfish and misguided
I let him believe it was fine to ignore this
I let it sit
Let it fester
I didn't show him what his life meant to me
I didn't show him how much I care
I love him so much
Forever
and always
But what is forever when time is passing before your eyes

I sit
I cry
And cry
I can't make up for this time
Where he didn't see my love
I didn't show him the true meaning of the word

Now we'll address it
See what we can do
How bad is it?
What are the options?

My tears are shed
Day after day
Realizing what I've done is hard to bear
Leaving it so long
Not trying until now
I cry
And I cry
And I cry some more

This one thing
This thing I chose to ignore
Unforgivable
Life changing
His life
His future
Our future

Each box I had put out of reach
Even the ones way in the back
Every box was a gift
Something so precious in each
This was the biggest one of all
It wasn't only a gift.
It was
It is
Life.

For now.

Lyin’ on the bed,
dreamin’ of nightmares I’ve never met.
A glittering show of blood,
a scene that surely won’t be done.

Tick-Tackin’ is the clock,
I just don’t care about those eerie sounds beyond the lock,
whispers full of black,
like someone is trying to enchant a cat.

Earin’ knock-knocks on the door,
Death itself is down the hall,
it’s close enough to make me scared,
but far enough I barely care.

Sparkin’ is the future,
even if I already see some ugly failures.
I’m afraid, but I don’t hide,
so why should I even think that despair that’s no longer mine?

Memory garbage dump
Holding everything old
Aged releasing all

I've realized my brain
Swollen from decades of thought
Now, only wants now

Goodbye to the past
Earth quakes releasing the crust
Cliffs of synapse fall

My Nana always said I had good skin.
Fair skin,
littered with freckles ("Angel Kisses")
and soft with baby fat I've yet to grow out of.

I have my Mother's hair,
soft and red like blood spilt.
Strangers always gushed about how pretty it was.

Age has not painted me in a lovely light.

I wobble on tip-toes,
trying to reach the top shelf.
My fingers are stained with ink
                                          with paint
                                          with graphite
                                          with charcoal-

My nails are broken and soft.

This skin binds me to a history
I can't help but hate.
The mourning, the grief
The anger, the ire;
The desperate pleas to go back
                                     to hide away.

I'll listen;
I've always hated confrontation, anyways.

I can't rewrite my history,
nor can I turn back the needles on my watch.
So I'll rewrite myself instead.

I'll dye my hair until it's fit for a museum.
I'll burrow into my flesh and crown the wound with jewels.
I'll make my skin a canvas until you mistake me for art.

I'll do all these things
until I am lovely only to myself-
Until you flee from my presence
from the sight of me alone.

I'll remind myself its better this way,
as I surround my Ruins with those
who will gaze upon the spectacle that is my Self,
and weep-
Love unbound christen their tears and for Once

I am Whole

Don't search for me for where I am,
I'm not searching for where you are.

To that which you "belong."

Don't look for me to the future,
For I learned your histories & they are repulsive.

The records are detailed & long.

Don't give no magnification on my past,
For I have the details of your future.

Wrong is just wrong!