I will write these words with all that I have, and I will beg for your sake and not mine to be let down time and time again, to fall forty feet and hit the concrete until it's dyed red. I am not a delicate human, I am not someone who can sit still, I will fill my lungs and body with fire and desire, I will **** the good to spite the bad and beg the good to come back,
baby come back.

I don't want to be like the one I hate, I don't want to hurt everything in the way of me, I don't want to be a selfish broken thing, I don't want to be this, but I am scared, and very few care to hear that because I've said it for years, and I know how exhausting it must be to try to heal me.
But I never ******* asked for your attempts.
It's exhausting to see the sun and acknowledge it's presence, how you wish it could make you feel. It's exhausting to feel your chest close off and your lungs collapse for minutes at a time because something isn't going right, it's exhausting to refuse love and induce yourself into a numb coma of emptiness and lies and black voids for words. Everything I say means nothing, for I am empty, I am empty until I get stung. I get stung and I am scared.
I am scared to feel, I am scared to love.
I am so ******* scared to love anyone.
I am scared to be left.
I am just scared.
I am so scared and it is nauseating.

I **** up,
I make mistakes,
I am unreeling and I am learning
and I am young
and I am exploding
and trying and wanting
and I am also so haunted.
I don't know how to fight off my demons unless it evolves unspeakable things, but I sure as hell know how to summon them too constantly, I sure as hell know how to play with them and make them love me, I know how to manipulate them to where they don't want to leave.
I'm scared they never will.

I don't want to be saved,
I want to drown, I want to fall, I want to escape.
I want to be resurrected by your hate.
I want to be love in a really ugly place.
I don't need this. I never did.
I am sorry for being this way but love,

I'm not sorry for being me.

Not once but twice, have I broken your heart,
With each time, a little more I regret playing a part.
I messed up last night, but fixed it today,
Now I've messed up again with nothing to say.

You can't forgive me, but I dont want your leave,
Perhaps it's true we wear our hearts on our sleeve.
Man I'm a ***** up, I hate myself now,
I'd do anything to fix this, but I can't think of how.

We're not better off gone, that is a fact,
Having messed up twice, leaves me sick to my tract.
I am this monster that I see in me,
Perhaps It's better if I leave you to be....

EVERY TIME I SAY GOODBYE TO YOU I WANT YOU TO FEEL LOVED AND LETTING YOU GO MAKES ME WANT TO TELL YOU A MILLION THINGS TO MAKE FEEL LOVED SO EVEN IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN NOBODY CAN EVER MAKE YOU FEEL UNLOVED.

WHEN YOU LAUGH STARS ARE BORN AND THEY COME INTO THIS WORLD ON THE SOUNDS OF SOMETHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THEY ARE.

WHEN YOU SING I HEAR MY GRANDMOTHER WHISTLING WITH ALL HER WIND CHIMES AND THATS WHY I CRY WHEN I HEAR IT

WHEN YOU SAY " be nice to her"  I SEE MY PRESCHOOL TEACHER THE TIME SHE TAUGHT ME MY FIRST LESSON IN FORGIVENESS

WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE I GET THE FEELING I GET WHEN I WAS 6 AND THE ICE CREAM MAN TURNED DOWN MY ROAD AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS RUN DIRECTLY TO HIM I JUST WANT TO RUN DIRECTLY TO YOU.

One month.
I'm still waiting
For myself
To find a way
To **** this up.

life didn't have to end up in such a place
I'm stuck, no escape, it's to much, it's making me go apes
all I see here is nothing but shame, regrets, and sadness upon everyone's face.....

grew up into what the world views as a **** up, someone who never made it, someone that just wouldn't come to a stop
it slowly developed as a 10 year old who began smoking ****
18 now, **** became his need

I'm happy as can, theres no-one around tell what I can't do, I don't have to come to a stop
next thing you know theres knock on the door
oh ****, it's a cop

promised the cop I'd throw away anything that has to due with drugs
but the cop was way to smart for that, so he stayed and made sure I did what said
instead all I did was hide all of it under my bed

a month later the same cop returned, I tried running but I'm only 103 pounds and haven't seen sunlight for more than then a day
he caught me in the quickness, I pleaded and pleaded that he let me go
"I'm only doing this for your own good, don't you remember me, I'm your only brother, please stop trying to runaway"

didn't recognize him at first until I looked him straight in his eyes
I began to tear up but I didn't want to cry
the pain was getting held back, next thing you now I black out
he thought I was going die

he rushed me to the hospital and everything made sense
that's where I truly opened up my eyes
he wasn't a cop and this wasn't me
I was just in the land of the killer demon bees

that place was where I felt like I was in charge and had nothing but power
now I'm sitting in a place I call home
thinking hour after hour

Is it a coincidence?
I think not.
It's not just one of those serendipitous happenings where both times we meet are budding from me ******* up.

I may be staring intently at something that isn't there
but I believe it's a sign just as much as the one you always ignored at the intersection.

Me ******* up equals me seeing you.

It's not a perfect formula but I'm still working out the kinks
God, you know how I love math
I'm probably just grasping at something and anything that means I can be with you for just one more instant

I know you see what I'm doing here
And I thank you for playing along
Do whatever you will
Just don't correct me when I'm wrong

I'm trying to **** up