she told me you cried over me
and i was surprised

i hate that

i get over things
right away. i'll never get
over anything

i wear a bracelet i made
with rainbow beads around letters that spell out
"g a t s b y"
because we're both gay as ****
and i think i'm funny

you asked me if there was a
"n i c k"
pointing to my wrist
and i just blushed as i realized what you meant

because i wish it was you
i want you to be the nick to my gatsby

stuck,
feeling a little fucky.

like i need a good ****
                    a good talk
                     a good beating.

how do you ask of your lover?
please make me cry.

dumb,
dubious of myself again,
making promises of possible futures
but words are words are words are words anything?

how am i real without bruises?
where are the things that i desire?
i want to hurt so bad that i forget i am alive.
probably a little loopy on the damage,
on the lovin,
on the lackin.

You enter my threshold,
We conversate,
A moment of connection, a moment of the yesterday days,
The moment passes as you pull your gaze away from mine.

We ****,
Not make love, not having ***,
Simply **** !

All I wanted was intimacy,
To be held and loved,

All I got was detachment
Aloof and distance

Disappointment clinging to the straps of my bra as I pull them on
Shame stained on my knicker as they slide back up

Heavy is my heart
Desperate is my soul
Deflated is my spirit

You leave, and take a part of me once more

The limp body laid on the floor
Motionless
Fairy lights outlined the cool form

Impossible
To move
The weight too heavy
Crushing
The whole world

the fairy lights are burning

Body and light
Will never touch
And it stings
It already burns
But it cannot warm the body

Different colours
Different brightness
Various behaviour
Glowing
Burning
Blinding

Fading

they will all cease
When time comes


The scene is romantic - the consequence is not
The bright success, expectations
Failure
The failure is in the middle

Nobody talks about its darkness
Lights are the hot topic.

Society

I didn't realize that I had missed the rabbits so
til I nearly stumbled over one in the dark and dew

impossibly still and also bounding with movement, vibrating
a tenacious anxiety reflected back to me in more than one
lost, drunken, exasperated moment
memories inevitably left in backseats and waterlogged journals
the thorny irony of holding fervently what this life means to me
and for me
knowing I've forgotten nearly most of it
to trauma
and to time

why would I tuck away the times I've made myself the image of my parents?
why cherish and return to the slur of dysfunction and imbalance
why build myself on the moments I broke upon

each falter is palmed inside me
slick and pressed with dust
the life of every love and bond
I can't release
for fear that I will sink into the sky
for fear that I've only ever been a reflection
is it empathy? maybe it's a pervasive fear of abandonment
as you cannot leave me if you need me
as you cannot fear me if you trust me
as you cannot without me
and I, you