i often want to write something,
but every time i try i feel as though someone already has
but when i tell someone i love them,
i've said it a thousand times and still mean it
so it doesn't really matter how original you are,
as long as you still mean what you're repeating

-2:16 a.m-
emilenn is online
hey, are you up?
nvm
doesn't matter
there's so much I need to tell you
and at this point it doesn't matter if you're here to listen or not
so i'll start off with the heaviest thing
i love you
and right now im not quite sure what that means
but i needed to say it because i don't say it nearly enough
next thing on the list is that i miss you so much right now
and i dont know if it's the isolation getting to me or what
but i miss everything about you
your hands
and how i was always too nervous to ask if i could hold them
because i didnt know where we stood
and for some reason
something deep inside me
thought asking would make you hate me
your eyes
and the little tears of laughter that would ***** up in them
whenever i would do that impression of my old chemistry teacher
because your laugh was golden to me
and id do anything to hear it again
your smile
and how you refused to show your teeth cos you hated your braces
and how i so badly wanted to pry your lips open with mine
because your braces are so **** cute
your voice
and that raspiness it gets when you laugh too hard for too long
and how for some reason
i wanted to hug you every time your voice got like that
or maybe im just being melodramatic
and this is all too much for a conversation at 2 am
with a person whos not even here
but i need you to know how loved you are
because i haven't been told in a long time
whether or not people actually care about me
and not to **** on your family
but i figured it was the same for you
so i love you
whatever that means
*emilenn has left

Awake against the air.
Living in languishing lies of life

Existing outside their realms
These beached whales crave the waves

Watching from sleep stolen tears
These floating faces move without me

Without a wink, time slips by
Dazed in a dream of doubt

Where does the reality begin
And tragic nightrealms end

Deepest desires for lost love
Burn against the raging rain

The well crumbled
The dam broke

Dragon worms of tears
Gush round riverbends
Where life has dried out

Susan hides a nest of goose eggs behind her hairline
She’s trapped with a man she doesn’t know anymore
Because of a child who won’t return her calls

She’s living in a fresh hell everyday

Ariel is trying to find a job
Sleeping in an overpriced oven of an apartment
Taking care of his brothers and sisters
They sleep on the floor and play with broken toys
While he travels city blocks dammed with trash
He comes home with nothing to show
And listens to his neighbors fight and **** through thin walls

He’s living in a fresh hell everyday

Everyone is barricaded in their houses
Or they’re out on the streets killing each other to get hashtags trending
The world is ruled by fools and we’re so self centered
We can’t understand that nature is trying to remove the cancer

We’re all living in a fresh hell everyday

Laid up on the couch with one leg casually tossed over yours,
the room still vaguely spinning with one eye open.
Maybe downing 4 beers in an hour wasn't such a good idea, but my anxiety got the better of me, and I didn't know what else to do while everyone else stared at their phones and I stared at you, memorizing the planes of your face so I won't forget them again.
My head is pounding and I doze, YouTube in the background. It has to be late, or early.
The fan blows against my skin and I peek to see if you are still there. Yup. Okay. Breathe, Mel, breathe.
The nauseating feeling of being left again roils my stomach. Or maybe that's the beer again.
It has to be early, or late. But this moment will burn in my memory for days as I psychoanalyze everything I've done wrong that could make you want to run.
Is it early or late?
I wake up and you're not there, but when I stumble to the bathroom you're laying in your bed and I would join you but the room is still spinning and I need to just lay back down.

yeah, the strawberries probably weren’t fresh enough for this.
and yeah, the crust was a little tougher than i meant it to be because i just. kept. kneading it.
can you blame me? i needed it to be uniform. smooth.
and yeah, maybe i used too much flour in the dough. Maybe it was a little too dry and crackly for your taste and maybe mine too.
but you ate it, right?
you ate it even though it was sour and dry and tough.
you ate it even though you would have done it differently.
you ate it even though i know you don’t even like strawberries.
or pie.

i have been through it all and i have been thrown out of it all
it is so hard to be told that you are okay and you are not suffering
it is even harder to be told this a lot by the people who are supposed to care for you
it is hard to feel like you should be better because you act like you are better but in reality your actions are dissonant
because you think so much about how you are still in the same place you were when people said you were not okay
said that you were dying
said that you were crazy
that you were bad
you were frustrated
but they said that you needed to find control in yourself
how do you find something you never existed in the first place
how do you learn who you are after everyone has failed you and you need to heal on your own now
because regardless of how widely recognized and validated mental illness is they expect it to go away if they do everything right
but you know, i know, it does not disappear so simply
it is not so simple
it is so very hard
i feel broken but i look put together so they say i am fine i do not need anything more
i am angry because i am still very sad and very small and i have not learned how to grow yet
i am a seed in a prosperous garden but i will not grow
and they will see i have not grown and they will ask what is wrong
and i will tell them that i've been this way since i was planted
but no one thought to look deeper than the surface
no one thought to actually listen to the plant themself
so i will remain in dormancy and maybe
just maybe
they will forget about me entirely