I am fragile.
I can shatter.
I disguise myself as steel.
Cold, hard, shiny steel.
Steel is strong, reliable, unbreakable.
But as much as I try to convince myself, I will always be glass.
I paint myself every morning, wrap myself in a cloak of strength.
I zip on a suit of trustworthy mother-ness.
I protect my people, I listen to their troubles.
I shelter them from harm, but the dome of protection I offer only looks like steel.
Truly? It is glass.
It chips with every tear shed by another.
It cracks with every problem unloaded.
It splits with every oblivious blind eye turned.
If only people asked whether I was okay, for once.
If only people cared enough to ask if I had any problems.
Even so, I often don’t know what is wrong.
Sometimes, my glass self shatters, and it wasn’t caused by anything.
When I do break, I gather the shards before they hit the ground.
I quickly slot them back and cover the cracks before anyone notices.
It is an old habit.
I hide any of my own problems, so as to help others deal with theirs.
But I am not steel.
I am glass.
I can shatter.
I am fragile.

It's so very difficult
It
Is
So very difficult
To stand tall with a broken soul
To love very much with a broken heart
To think at all

you are broken.

but, like coloured fragments
in a stained glass window
light refracts through you
and creates something beautiful.

you are fractured.

but, like a cracked brick
in a weathered sidewalk
a flower tenderly pokes its head through
and creates a patch of optimism.

you are crushed.

but, like a crumbling Greek statue
millions look
from across the world
and marvel at your power.

there is beauty in whole,
and there is beauty in broken.
don't overlook either.

i've always been scared of the unknown. but i have never felt braver than the moment i was free falling into your abyss. hands, trembling; heart, leaping out of its cage; but eyes, wide open. and they burned with a quiet determination.

the fall stripped my soul bare you could see through my insides. and in it you'd hear my heart as if it were a preacher reciting a mantra,

'I love you. I love you.'
again and again.

i've always been scared of the unknown. but this time i was brave enough to jump with eyes wide open. i knew full well that you wouldn't be there to catch me, but i jumped anyway. i blame no one but myself for my broken limbs and shattered heart. and truth be told, i would have done it again. because you are worth every fractured bone in my body.

and maybe, it doesn't have to be this way. maybe it doesn't have to hurt. but if not hurting means not loving you, then i choose to endure the pain.

because just like augustus waters said, "it's a privilege to have my heart broken by you." and for that, never again will i doubt my capacity to love.

i loved you. deeply. boundless, like the sea. i loved you. and i clung to that hoping that maybe, just maybe, you would have loved me too.

We break ourselves,
Trying to become whole.

The countless hours spent
Popping pills,
Smoking,
Drinking.
Just trying to fill in the cracks,
Between my fractured pieces.

Cutting
Crying
It was never enough
It never will be

"Stay strong"
I don't want to anymore.
My body wants to ease into the comfort
Of letting go.

Let me go.
Let me drift off
into the calm unknown void

The pain I cause
trying to mend my broken pieces.
Is no use.
I am broken.

Past the point of "damaged goods"
I've been at the bottom of the clearance bin
Inevitably to be thrown out
If only they'd remember I was here

Tears fall,
Blood oozes,
And I still feel empty.

Let me go
I want to give in.
My fractured soul
Can't be fixed.

I’ve always believed that we were on the same wavelength,
but never the same tide.
From here I can almost see the sea
with you on the other shore.
Are you reaching out to me? Or is this morning fog too strong?

I glance at you from the other side of the room,
hoping that maybe you are looking back
wondering if I was looking back at you.
My eyes shift down when they’re tangled in your sight.
I wish you’d notice me.

There has only been a few times when you stood close to me.
As I felt the heat radiating off your tall body
a hurricane collided. The tides have crashed.
It feels like lightning running through my veins
then it all stops when you step away.

In little ways you remind me that we belong together
but you don’t see it like I do.
Of course you don’t.
It’s been eight years. By now,
I figure you’d realize it too.

It’s lonely being on this side of the ocean.

My feet may fail, only time can tell.
My brow may break, that bullet I take.
I may crash and burn, either way I'll learn,
Pour the gas and dance in the flame...

Are you fractured, from what came after?
Does your blood still simmer?
Feeling captured by regret...
I'm out of time and out of cigarettes.

You could freeze the sun, with the ice on her heart.
Cold and alone, is that all that you are?
You could stop time with the tip of her touch,
Don't dare count long, no it couldn't mean much..

Temptation follows me...holding on to what might be.
Your memory haunts me, strike me down just to watch me bleed...

Cause I am fractured, from what came after...
And my blood runs cold.
Feeling captured by regret...
I'm out of time and out of cigarettes...

of bruised skin
and tear-filled eyes,
of empty palms
and tired smiles

of raging waves
and endless storms
of aching heart,
a rose with thorns

of burning heat
from walls to fist
with ash-filled lungs
and fractured ribs

I cannot breathe;
it's suffocation
I cannot live;
this is depression