It starts like static-
a flicker in the dark,
a shift in the air
before the collapse.

I'm washing dishes.
I'm crossing a street.
I'm laughing-
and then I'm not.

Something small tilts the world.
My chest tightens,
my skin doesn't feel like mine,
and the moment swallows me whole.

I hate how they still live in me-
their voices in the corners,
their hands on the memories
I never wanted to keep.

The anger simmers
under every surface.
For what they did,
for what they didn't,
for how they shaped me
without permission.

I trace the outlines of what could’ve been-
a word spoken,
a door opened,
a version of me
they never got to break.

But the past is a house
that locks from the inside.
I scream through the keyhole
and call it healing.

Some days I am a person.
Some days I am a symptom.
I carry both
without dropping either.

I live with tremors.
I move through fog.
I smile like nothing cracked,
and shake
when no one is looking.

And still-
somehow-
I stay.
I breathe.
I come back
to myself.

Again.

It doesn't ask.
It never knocks.
It just shows up-
mid-sentence,
mid-step,
mid-me.

My body remembers
things I don't want to.
Fluorescent lights,
locked doors,
her voice like venom,
his hands,
the smoke thick enough
to erase a home.

I'm split between moments.
One version of me
is pouring coffee.
The other is back
in a room I begged to leave,
screaming behind my eyes
while my face stays still.

And people say
"but you're safe now."
Like my nervous system
understands logic.
Like my skin
doesn't still flinch at kindness,
like safety is a thing
I've ever known for sure.

I carry too many names.
******. Liar. *****. Crazy.
He. She. It.
I carry too many versions of myself
that other people made
without asking.

And I'm so ******* angry.
At her.
At them.
At the system that locked me up
when all I needed
was to be held without harm.
At the fact that I'm still here
trying to make something soft
out of what they left jagged.

Sometimes I wish
I could go back-
whisper to the kid
who hid under blankets
trying to disappear.
Tell him: you were right.
Tell them: it wasn't your fault.
Tell me
I'd get out.

And I did.
But sometimes,
parts of me still don't know that.
They shake,
they shut down,
they show up uninvited.

And I breathe,
even when it burns.
And I stay,
even when I want to run.
And I write,
because it's the one place
I get to be the one
telling the story.

Everywhere I turn
Is a memory I have to erase
An outline
I can no longer trace.

So i can enjoy life again
Without you
Stained all over it
Covered in your ink
Burned in my brain
Memories, i wish i could erase.
Itd be the easy way,
Then i’d have no pain.

Your ink bled into me
And washed out any pigment i had left.

I see flashbacks all over this town.
The places I go when I want to reflect,
Are places we had some wild ***
Places we talked for hours
And lost ourselves in
Eachother
Uncovering our purpose
Reminding you that you aren't worthless.
While you held me in your arms
And talked about quantum physics
That was so comforting
You stimulated my mind and my body
That's all I ever needed.
I was at ease,
Could have been eternity.

i also remember,
what our days would progress to be.
Your mind
turned against me.
You just want to be mr. teach

Always leaving in disdain
Feeling empty,
Feeling forbidden,
Feeling like I gave you another chunk.
You chucked it up to the dust,
And I called it love.

I’ve given you more of me than i have to myself,
You know im one of a kind,
You wont see me going down the conveyer belt.
This love is rare,
I see the good in you, and the bad too,
I actually see you
And I chose to love you.
Through and through.
Its all I know how to do.

So unhappily happy when im with you.
I had no end goal.
I became so addicted to you,
Even with all the mental abuse.

But when I leave,
i start to feel free.
You only see a glimpse of me.
But I'm still haunted by memories
What we could be

I gave so much,
All you did was take,
Spread hate,
Get irate,
Get me addicted,
And become vindictive.

Now  when I go to my safe place,
The sand in my feet,
The breeze in my hair,
The sun kissing my skin
The veil feels thin

All I see is you here.
Spread across the water
Spread across the sand,
the dirt,
and the trees.
I see a million memories at this creek,
Even though you have always been so mean to thee.

You have bled over everything,

Washed out any pigment I had left.
I just want to get back to me.
The one that Dances,
Laugh,
& Sings.

A lot of unlearning,
And reprogramming,
needs to take place
I'm not in a race,
just need to slow my pace,
thoughtwho knows how many days
It'll take.

Steady, I pave ahead
Purpose, I'm all in.
Walk the path with ease,
With grace.
I know I can't be replaced.
How could i ever forget you?
You will probably never deal with this,
Because you were never there.
Trapped in stagnant air.

I guess i was just someone there.
Someone to talk to,
did you ever try to look underneath?
when you look into my eyes..
your reflection is all you see.

But i see now.
How clear it is to me,
i gave you so much of my time.
You just took from me,
and left me empty.

a lesson, is what you are now.
You taught me,
No matter how much trying,
we are not meant to be.

you were just temporary.
Im sorry for you,
cause youll never find anyone like me.


-klarity

I remember being here.
Hours trapped in the little orange grains of dust.
I recognize these voices, I know their names.
I saw these words replaying in slow motion.

Like in a perpetual motion machine
designed to heal and be healed.
I came to this place after many missed chances
finding my redemption, to see all over again.

Whenever I embrace more flashbacks
from past lives, from past sighs
settling on the broken glass like gentle steam
I feel so quietly completed.

I hide myself in invisible arms
loved many times before,
feeling that I am close to touching my infinity.
Why am I so sure this is the right path?

When I open the boxes of hidden riddles
with keys given by the ethereal glimpses
I know that I return now to the golden core,
to the beginning of everything.

"let someone in" their voice rang though my head.
flashbacks of how my soul died replayed over and over and over again through the fog of my memory.
they meant it so innocently, but he was so innocent when I let him in.
my arms were wide open, I told him to make himself comfortable when he entered the depths of my heart.
and god, did he.
his shoes were muddy but I didn't even notice, his smile distracting me.
he opened my books on the shelf of memories, leaving them scattered all over the place.... his smooth beautiful lies consuming my mind to a point where I didn't care what he did.
I let him trapse through my deepest secrets, my most intense thoughts, while he sat there and smiled saying how he loved me.
why did I have to believe him?
he laced his words with so much truth it made my head spin,
he was bringing parts of me alive that had died so many years ago and I thought he'd stay.... but I also thought he loved me.
but before I could even blink he had ran out the door.
the door which used to have a wall built around it with a lock.
a wall that he broke down, and lock he somehow managed to get through.  
he was a storm that had ripped through my whole being, leaving me even more damaged than before.
but it's okay.... I'll just 'let someone in' again.

have you ever felt your memories crawl up your throat?
the pain of each nightmare coming afloat.
the flashbacks swallow you whole.
there's no hope for your soul.

do you live your terrors day after day?
the corrupted thoughts won't go away.
its blade slices your skin
allowing the bad thoughts in.

save me.
hear me.
pull me from this pit
please, before i quit.

give up on this.
it's them you'll miss.
release me
subdue me

please let me be free.

Summer’s in the rearview mirror,
re-experience it at your peril,
it’ll only distract you now, and maybe depress you.

Summer shifts your orbit, from classrooms and remote zooms,
to lollygagging by beaches and snuggling in cozy hotel rooms.

As intense and vital as last summer was - as they all are -
it’s already blurring in memory.

Soon only the memory of sensations will remain,
like the warmth of the breeze and the sun on my skin
and sigh the warmth of a certain boy’s skin on my skin.

Those flashbacks ache, late at night, like phantom limbs.
.
.
Songs for this:
All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow

Sweating
Freezing
Tears
Numb body
Cannot move
Cannot breath
I just want to be
Free