Why do I feel this way?
It's so unusual
I am actually
Truly
Happy


I know that this is a good thing
Why do I keep thinking
It will go away so quickly?
Maybe it's because I'm never happy for long.

Though this is a different kind of happy
This is the one where i actually feel as if
I'm going to be okay

he makes my
heart soar and
stomach flutter
he makes me
smile for hours
and laugh for days
he makes me so
happy
something you
never could

Now look, the horse is dead.
Must we dig up its old bones?
They are all around us
Fragments of the last few months
And I tried to pick them up
One by one
Figuring out how they all connected
Figuring out how they all broke
Piece by piece
And I tried to let them go
Last few crystal fragments of the past
They are all around us
Must we dig up its old bones?
Now look, the horse is dead.

The weird thing is I never actually thought we would be together;
I spent my days thinking of you wishing you would love me too;
At this time your thoughts were on her, but she didn't care;
Its great that you realized you were making mistakes;
At this time I hated you because you wouldn't reveal if you could love me too. When you actually saw me after all that time was when I let everything unwind. My head was spinning, my thoughts unending, my emotions living. This was the first time I really got something good without being ******* only if you knew what that meant then maybe this could make things more true.

Today I'm going to stop
This ridiculous destructive thing
I've been doing it to myself
For five. miserable. years.
I talk so much about
How I hate to be controlled
but this is controlling me
I'm wasting my life
and this is my fresh start
I don't want to paint over
the same old canvas
I've already painted black
I've gone down this road before
and I could have been a killer
I don't want to be her anymore
The girl no one could help
and just watched her waste away before them
I'm no longer going to count the numbers
and measure and weigh
and cry and hate
I'M DONE
it can't control me anymore
she told me she was worried about me
now I know it's too far
what do I care anyway about all this?
It won't be very easy
but I'm not going to do this to myself anymore
I'm taking this canvas and BURNING IT
I'm starting fresh
I'm done with this
I'm finished
I need to be strong enough
for her
I won't become a statistic
under the earth in a wooden box
with only a block of cement
to prove I ever existed
because pretty doesn't have a size
and for her
I'm going to stop
Five years
is long enough

What  of this marriage
Promised Companion?

                   Trading of Friends
                   Lavished in Lovers

Hatred@Sharing ■Families&Responsibility;
       Differentiation shifts all dynamics

Waiting...
                    to
                 make.
                 sense
     《《《   of
                    it
                    all 》》》
All the While acknowledging
t
   h
       e
             ex-
                  -hilar
                              -ating­,
in.       cating
    toxi                   feel of Chaos and Love

{Love} and War
To struggle to get out of the straight jacket of your love...
Yet, it is your unconditional clause that makes me come back to perch on your familiar limbs...
Binding our vows
This living Freedom
This allowance
This You that We Are
THIS is what I Love ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

there is a wishing well
behind your eyes

and i'm throwing all my coins
all my keys
anything that
clinks
at the bottom of your irises

i'm running out of pennies;
wishing is a game of fools
but

let my heart past your eyelashes
fingers crossed for
the telltale clink
and the ripples you hide when
you blink dreams away

is it not heavy enough?
i will weigh it with a little
more rain;
more rusty coins and
maybe then you'll hear
my heartbeat
clinking
against metallic tears

i know your pupils
are not black holes
like the one i have tucked
away from sight behind my ribcage
but still

i fear that all my coins
and all my keys
are not loud enough
to whisper what i cannot
in this vacuum between us


*please just let me go

I
       Dried
                       My Eyes

When I stopped

              Thinking
                      About
             ­                *You

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you
My heart sighed
When I first laid eyes on you
And if I had enough time
To do everything
Nothing would make me happier
Than doing them with you

I refuse to be half of one whole
For I am enough always
To stay silent surrounded by seas
And as Ellan my will shall remain
Constant, contained and content
For it turns out that I need you not
And that I want you even less.