I cried unconsolably in public once.
I don’t remember why.

But people walked right past me.
Kind of like the gods when I cry to the sky.

Sometimes, I try to pray.
I’ll talk to the empty room, secretly hoping something’s listening.

I’ll cry to an empty room, hoping something is listening.
But then, I realize, the room is empty.

And my tears are falling to an indifferent world.
My tears are falling to an indifferent god.

My pain is mine alone.

And then I cry, because no one can hear me.
I cry, because I feel stupid for thinking anyone can hear me.

And then I cry harder because I come to the realization
that if someone is listening,
They’re on an invisible plane, walking right past me, watching me cry.

Sometimes, I’ll scream at the ceiling in my room.
I’ll scream, “Why, why why?”
At the things in the sky.

And I curse it. I curse every god I know.

I taunt them to take me.
I curse and scream at my existence and their ineptitude

Because I secretly hope something is listening.

Because if they take me, it means something is listening.
And if someone was listening
And I died
it means I was never alone.

But then I realize I’m pleading with an empty room.

And then I cry, because no can hear me.
I cry, because my cries for death were met with indifference

And then I realize,
That humans don’t want my pain
And the things don’t want it either  

And then I realize,
That I’m either totally alone
Or just another thing, prone to cry
To the things in the sky

I don’t want to die, but I’m indifferent to live.

I don’t want to join this cult.

But, I don’t want to leave.

They say we need purpose

But what if I was chosen not to have one?

What if my purpose is to make others feel better for having one?

At least they’re not me.

I don’t want to die, but living is not fun

It’s just navigating through things without a map, with no solid truth

And every decision affects you, except you don’t know how

And every decision is haunted with a “what if”?

And every decision is plagued with a “I should have…”

The gods won’t save you.

Psychics don’t know.

And the wise haven’t traversed your waters.

None the wiser.

The Seine river banks,
with their lack of guardrails, freaked
me out in fourth grade:

"Avez-vous entendu?!!"
My best friend rushed to ask it.
"Did you hear?! (the news)"

A woman drowned!!
She gushed - the horror tale
punch line delivered.

My eyes were wide with
shock and fear - the monster takes
another victim!

The dark Seine river
slithered, like a green snake
- feet from my front door.

There was no railing
- a misstep would drop you some
12 feet, to your cold death.

No parent could save
you - a terrifying thought for
a nine year old girl.

Walking to school, my
brother would sneak up, nudging
me near left-bank death.

I would scream, amid
cat calls and boyish laughter,
despite our au pair.

My best friend, Chloe, shared
my caution, if not my fear,
and loved to tease me.

That rapid river
loomed large in my dreams - as fears
can - for many years.

Last year we were in
Paris and I still couldn't go
near the riverbank  =]

When I fall in love with you
Will you fall in love with me
Will you stay through thick and thin
Or will you leave me when you see

The smile vanish from my face
On those dark depressing nights
When laughter is replaced with tears
Will you flee the sorry sight

When you see me take my pills
Will it scare you off too much
Will the white lines on my wrist
Rob me of your tender touch

When I start to talk your ear off
While I’m in a manic craze
Will you stop and listen
Or dismiss it as a phase

And when the darkness scares me
Will you hold me till it passes
When my life goes up in flames
Will you pull me from the ashes

I’ll tell you I’m a wreck
And all you’ll get from me is pain
Will you agree with me and tell me
How much of you I drain

Or will you look at me and say
You’ve seen all there is to see
And say the words I yearn to hear
That you still love me

tired eyes, those long nights
drinking mint tea like alcohol
whispering to myself in a soft drawl
as the frigid september air bites

my lids grow heavy as hours pass
staring at my screen for answers
words jump around like dancers
my vision becomes milky glass

as I lift my head to the dawn
my hands still across the keys
and I can finally feel at ease
now the night shadows are gone

I

Surrounded and submerged
By Darkness of the deep.
Berserk, I bounce below
Under the wild waves.
Distraught and in distress,
Making manic movements,
But before blacking out,
Emptiness envelops.
Finally free from fear.
Such sudden, silent sleep.

II

Poison *******—
Assaulted and abused.
Violent violation—
Coerced without consent.
Demolished and destroyed.
****** and dehumanized.
Growing god awful guilt
And losing lust for life.
****** survivor—
Dead and demoralized.

III

Tunneling thumbs dig deep
Inside my eye sockets.
Blood burst and starts to spurt.
Pupils pop—soundless scream.
Shaken, shocked and startled.
It’s finally come true.
Catastrophe confirmed.
Loss of light, lacking life.
Misty, murky milieu.
My domain of darkness.