When I go in search of meaning
I go blind instantly
so the search never begins
until I can ***** my way out  
into daylight where
I can see the sun shining &
staring like a fool
I'm blinded once again---
& if at night, I see the full moon
over dark streets  
hidden by a sheet of black
& I'm blinded once again &
w/o looking for anything
I ***** my way back to
where I can't find the switch
& so sit & ask myself
what does it mean to stand or to sit

There is a
feverish swell
of warm pain
suffused with
lots of mucus.

I grab a book
of poems
and read this
verbal twist,
longing for those
words
to break the thick mist.

But the poetry
does not relieve me.
I am so sleepy.
My nose is dripping.
My throat is scratching,
and I am not catching
any sleep.

I fumble for
any thoughts that
came before
this nasally
flemmy storm.

The words will not come.
My mind fog
becomes a hot
brick wall
that blocks
all deep thoughts.

I can only cough
then shift
and hope
this ****
finally passes
after a full day’s slumber.

And with these nomadic emotions
You'll alas realize the notion
That all along
My heart was a vagabond.
It was never meant for you
if im speaking the truth.
It was only a matter of time
Before i shattered your heart and you overused mine
Before i stepped outta line and you got drunk on wine and we both said we were fine.
So I drink some *****
Because we all know it soothes,
Just drinkin away my sorrows
And saving my problems for tomorrow,
But wait i dont drink
So i just stay up all night and let it sink.
Yeah, for your sake
I go through this heartache,
Thinking about how you dont hold my hand as tight as i hold yours
Thinking about what ive done wrong and what ive done right,
Thinkin about how i want buy so much for you so i do these hazardous chores.

You're dwindling my hopes ***..
And im pretending like im having fun
But im crying every night when i think about your skin
How you think you dont fit in
Or your pretty brown eyes
How afraid i am when you talk to guys
How im causing you so much stress
And i just wanna see you at your best.
But im just dragging you down
Yeah, im the cause of that frown
Im cause of those tears
Im adding to your fears.

Then boom, day comes and im so kind
Keeping all i want to say in mind.
Im not good enough
Im no use
Im not needed
Its my love you can refuse.
Leave me if you need to
Ill be waiting
Its okay if you make me feel blue
Its my love thats fading.

You make me feel alone
But when im around you i feel at home.
You make me cry
And for all the hard work i put into trying to make you feel better, i only get an exasperated sigh.
Im stuck with knowing im lovin' you a LOT more than you're lovin me
And Im just trying to set myself free
Trying to get my mind and heart to LEAVE ME BE.

Would it be okay if i said i was tired of pretending that im happy?
That youre the reason im feeling ******?
That im feeling so empty inside
And yet so occupied.
Would it be okay... if for once. I cried.
That i could show that side...
Without ruining your day
And having you shew my problems away.

Would that be considered selfish..?


Oh ****. i accidentally expressed myself.
Im sorry
Im sorry.
Im sorry..
Im sorry...
Yeah... Im sorry

I am tired of conforming
I am tired of smiling
I am tired of covering up
I am tired of pretending
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of being tired
I am tired of life