I just know I'm weak.
And now I know that
and that it's not that unusual,
I now know it better.
Like when you get to know
someone in your life better.
Like your dad - adult to adult
and you find words
that better describe him
and in describing,
you find understanding.
So it's like that.
And now that I know it better
(the weak bit),
I find that I can bear it
better
just like my dad before me.

My father was a broken man.
Haunted by the war, tortured by his past.
I am nothing like my father,
But he is everything to me.

When I was five,
He walked me to school.
He pointed out the rain,
The snow, the butterflies on
The green, green grass
That always seemed to grow.
He tried his best to distract me from
Our harsh reality.
Because deep down, he knew,
Our fate was fatality.

When I was seven,
He took me to a dance.
He didn’t want to go,
But he promised he would.
And to make up for every other broken promise, he did it because he “should.”
So I wore my princess dress,
Conga-lined with my friends,
Until sobriety kicked my father in the gut
And kicked us out of the dance.

When I was ten,
I began to realize what heartbreak felt like.
It was rooted somewhere between
The drunken apologies and
My undying forgiveness.
And it wasn’t instantaneous,
It was slow, torturous,
Like the shards of each broken
Bottle of whiskey stabbing me
Until I couldn’t breathe.

When I was twelve,
I was buried alive.
Piled underneath piles of
“It’s okay… you’ll get better.”
My father that once walked me to school,
Now guided me through a living hell.
My steps through the rain and snow
Were now substituted with
Steps to the glow of the refrigerator light
As I fetched him yet another bottle of death-
But it’s okay, because he’ll get better.

And through my teenage years,
It was ripe on my tongue,
It intoxicated my nose,
It pierced through my ears.
Death.
Until finally,
I could breathe.
Because finally,
Death took his broken promises.
Death took away the heartbreak.
Death took him by the bottle,
And by the bottle, my father died.

My father was a broken man.
But what he couldn’t break, he passed down to me.
I’m still haunted by the war, tortured by the past.
I wanna be nothing like my father,
Yet he’s still everything to me.

I was looking for a dream in soulless eyes.

You thought that I was just like you
And milked the light from this star
You sold my brightness for profit
And now I wonder how far you are

I thought that you would give me my light back
But you led me into a fire
Lured me in with ink and a page
And now I'm trapped in a burning cage

I watch the stars in the night sky
The ones I once knew
You crush them down to ash
You sell them out for cash

I wanted to be just like you
But that isn't my goal anymore
I will be so much better
Is that what you wanted, too?

I inherited your soulless eyes
Do you see my dream in them?

You called me darling, a name just for me,
A love so pure, as deep as the sea.
No matter how busy, you always found time,
To play, to laugh, to make life shine.

You brought me chocolates, a sweet little treat,
Never once letting me feel incomplete.
No wish was too big, no dream too far,
You moved mountains to gift me the stars.

Through sleepless nights, you held my hand,
When I was weak, you’d help me stand.
If I was hungry, you’d go without,
Your love, unwavering, beyond all doubt.

In my darkest hour, you were my light,
A guiding star burning ever so bright.
With every answer, with every care,
You made me fearless, beyond despair.

People call me strong, they don’t see,
That you were the one who built that in me.
No man, no force could bring me down,
For you made me a queen, deserving a crown.

But now you're gone, and I feel so alone,
The one love I had, the truest I've known.
The world feels empty, cold and wide,
Without you standing by my side.

Yet, deep inside, your strength remains,
In every heartbeat, in every vein.
Though I can’t see you, I know you’re near,
Whispering "darling," calm and clear.

So I’ll stand tall, though my heart may ache,
For you gave me a strength no one can take.
And when I falter, when I fall,
I’ll hear your voice—your love through all.

Dear dad,

when you left, it broke mommy.
you hurt her
an then as soon as she tried to get better you tried to take me away
you hurt me deeply too you know
not only me
not only her
you hurt nana, poi.
you hurt us all
as soon as i was "old enough" i was used
and you defended your brother
because of course you did.
you chose him over me
i hate you.

i dont really.
i dont.
i love you
because im supposed to.

Love,
Holly.

My father is dying a snail slow death I think.
I don't quite know how to tell him to kindly stop dying.
Once I had the flu at 15 and he cleaned the sick off me
and said nothing of it after. That was kind of him.

There was something of a man in him. Hard to find,
turns out of men. Decency rattles and bites and burrows.
I wished at one point I would find on him that would
figure it out for me. Heretofore is sorry luck, love.