Protecting the carcinogen
God bless this anomaly
Who they choose to protect
Intravenously a sight to see

Saving this misstep
Blight of justice, repetition
Six million people left to vet
Each one with tunnel vision

That's the view
Who
Is right
Wrong
Death and disorder
Tagging
The walls
Of the holy manor

Then **** them all
Inside and out
Violent, volition
No one truly knows self doubt
Ventricle technicians

Each coat of paint
Is closing the space between the walls
Halls closing in
How much longer before you fall?

---------------------
Oh god, I'm still alive
Please, someone **** me
I shouldn't have to go through this
---------------------

It's funny, ain't it
Fancy feast for the whole congregation
My words aren't an open book
A buffet for crooks run amok
On ground up horse hooves

Frowning down I pout
I'd **** my ******* self to put their fire out
A brisk shower of intuition
Intention of slowing mass emissions
Eating ***** in
Filtration organs

Go vegan

"You can't wear that,"
"You're too fat,"
The words echo inside my empty belly,
"You shouldn't have eaten that."

In the back of my throat is a model,
A body type I've aspired to be,
I shove in my hands to grab that model,
Bringing back everything I had for tea.

I look in the mirror,
Presented with teary, bloodshot eyes,
Seeing my aspiration that had gone to ****,
I still don't look like that model,
I'm still just a "fat *****".

i use to think blue was my favorite color because of the sky

i never thought it was because of your eyes

but once i saw them i understood

and you replaced the sky and everything in your path

i fell, fell harder than i ever have

and although my life has been full of problems

the biggest one is you

every flaw, every single thing you hated about yourself, i loved about you

every nagging, every put down, every curse, i banished, i stopped you from letting them out

and though you let my words fly south

i stayed. i listened. i felt your pain as if it was my own

one day i hoped you would have noticed

one day i hoped that instead of telling your guys that i was just a friend,

you wished i was more.

i wished your feelings would pour

pour through your chest as my tears did down the drain

that every memory of me was hidden away in a special box, sealed and marked fragile do not touch

but they weren't

my feelings aren't reciprocated because of one simple reason

i'm fat

my weight doesn't correspond with my height

my body doesn't look right

my heart is big but so are my thighs

and even when i try

it's not enough

you've never straight out said this but i can read between lines you have so easily drawn

like the strings to my heart tugged like a puppet master

starving yourself is wrong, that's what they teach you in health class

but when you are fat heads turn the other way and suddenly it becomes okay

on day five i felt like i wanted to cry because i stepped on the scale and didn't lose an ounce

and yet i drank my weight in water and pushed myself farther than i ever have before only to sink to the floor

i went to the kitchen to consume my doom but only a salad because i hadn't given up so soon and it was okay

it didn't make my day like ice cream on apple pie or chocolate cake

instead it ruined it when i got on the scale and gained a pound

i could starve myself for days outweight the amount of calories burned to the ones taken in and not lose anything

but the second i eat even if it's healthy the scale tips like it tips my whole world upside down

i am told i just need to eat healthy and exercise but if that was the case why do the people who eat nothing but trash have flatter abs than me

and then they are the ones to tell me i am unhealthy

i go to bed late so i can get up even later, sleeping past breakfast and lunch

i then force myself to go swimming and put on a two piece to remind myself why i'm even doing this in the first place

in a haste i swim around my pool and do workouts for hours until i completely lose feeling in my legs

you're not suppose to eat after seven but that's when mom gets home and we have dinner

i pretend i'm feeling sick so i don't have to eat and although she sees through my lies

beauty is more important than being healthy

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

Nobody can hate me more than I hate myself so say what you have to say. Just understand this, if you tell a fat girl she's fat and she already knows, why tell her again and make her feel worse? If you tell a suicidal girl to **** herself, she just might. Words trigger actions, and words are beautiful. So don't use them to hurt people.

My spine is crooked.
I take off my shirt
and it looks like my
body is swollen on
one side.

There's a hole on
my chest; some
insect insertion,
living between
strands of hair.

A scab is on the
back of my head
and it hasn't healed
in years. I'm afraid
to fix it because I
may make it worse.
I'm terrified of what
wounds may breed.

Surgery is probably
the answer or something
like it. I hope they don't
miss and cut something
on my spine. God forbid,
I become as paralyzed as
I feel.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "ugly pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and hell, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.

when did the
mirror break?

a different angle
for every mood
sharper lines
and harsher truths

jaggedly cut through the glass
same stripes up my sides
personal lightening storm
down my shoulders and thighs

when did the
mirror break?

when did fat stop
being a feeling
and more of just
a state of being?