i am lost.
this emptiness can't be
all there is to it.
one's hope is just as fragile
as the proof of something better
awaiting once you're done
with getting stronger.
i don't know if i am strong enough yet.
i'm not sure if i've been through enough yet.
is my suffering too little
in comparison to others
who experienced more pain,
more grief, more loss, more desperation?
am i just a broken vessel
for someone's misplaced affection?
is this emptiness all that i can create?
if it's really all there's to it
i would rather know for sure
than be constantly misled
by a non-existent cause.
i am lost.

Ask of me what you want
What does your heart truly desire?
I delight in providing for your needs
Even when you do not ask me.
Come to me in your weakness and strength
Seek my aid each morning.
Offer me your day and everything in it
And ask me to bless it and give you graces
I rejoice in your asking, and I love to give
Open yourself to me and receive
Receive my love and affection
Receive my presence and do my will
Receive the gifts I have prepared
Believe that I live within you
In all you think and speak and do
Let me help you do more good
What would you do if only you could?
Have faith in me
For, with me, all things are possible
If you are truly doing my work
Do your best and I will make it work
Give it to me that I may bless and multiply
Walk with me faithfully
and I will teach you how to fly
When this happens, and it will, be assured,
Be not proud, but rejoice and give me thanks
Everything you do, do it for the greater glory of God
For you have been chosen to bring
A bit of heaven down to the earth
You are a beloved Child Of The King
Called to a purpose before your birth
Call me up: I'm always free
For you, I'm never too busy
But when you are done, stop and listen
Be patient, persevere even if I seem silent
Sometimes I speak through things
Sometimes what you want is not what you need
Sometimes I have something better
Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder
So often you take for granted
The many blessings you are given
You don't appreciate their value as much
Until it is taken away
My spirit longs for you
As a desert longs for rain
How long must I wait
To feel your presence again
Let your face shine upon me
Take not your spirit from me
Open my eyes to truly see
As I live out this new reality

I started building my house when I was five

Copying the words some pastor told me to say

I already had the foundation laid for me

But that was when it turned to concrete

Or so I thought



Slowly but surely the walls rose,

But they were built of twisted metal

Firm at first

But slowly it crumbles.



The roof is built, supposed to feel safe

But at this point it smothers me

In a house that is not my own

It is full of lies and deceit

It does not feel safe.



Then somewhere along the time,  

The hammers building turn to sledgehammers

Ripping down my walls

Revealing the carnage through the haze

I walk out, and walk away.



The freedom feels strange.

New words on my lips,

Ones I shudder to think of now.

I knew it wouldn’t last

But I wasn’t ready to return



But then music.

A single album, two friends.

Help lead me back down the path to the wreckage of my house

I know it is not all bad.

An intact siding here, a piece of tile there.

I collect the pieces I can still use

And I move to another spot.

I start to rebuild.



I still have questions about my faith, I’ll admit.

Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one I can depend on anymore.

But that’s normal.

I’m learning.

And I have people with me,

Visiting me and helping me rebuild.

I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hard.

But I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

In my journey of faith.

Lord, make me to be a living channel
An instrument of your comfort and peace
You speak to me and my soul comes alive
You are the living word, your words are life-giving
Blood and water poured from your sacred heart
Bathing the world in your mercy and grace
In the waters of baptism by the blood of the lamb
It is because of this that, today, I am who I am
Your river runs through me in deep currents of grace
When you said "Peace be with you" was it the look on my face?
I was unbelieving for the pain was too much to bear
It wasn't that I didn't want to believe or that I didn't care
My Lord and my God! Have mercy on me: a sinner
I am not worthy to be in your presence my God and King
I feel the movements of the spirit
In the deepest currents of my being
Open my eyes to see and my heart to believe
You opened yourself and were broken for me
Break open my heart and help me to receive
This flood of mercy and grace freely shed
To give me new life when I had been dead
In my weakness, in my doubt and my shame
You take my hand and gently call my name
"Peace be with you. It is I. I am real.
Do not me unbelieving, but come and feel
The hands that were pierced for love of you
Let my mercy and grace, Child, cover you".
Lead me Lord from fear into peace, despair into hope
From tears into laughter, from mourning into dancing,
From doubt to belief, from death into life
Guide me Lord from out of darkness into Your light
Jesus, I believe, help me trust in You!

If id have a wish
Granted to wish
Whatever and anything
In the world
Id wish to forbide
Your heart to sorrow
And ban misary from
For once forever
And tears only of joy
I would add to the law
And hide you away
In my right pocket till
To give the rest of world
In a bag fold by fold folded
To a dot saying: return
To sender, as our little joke
To start a week id cry
To heavens a casual : agrh!
Wrong pocket! And youd smile
Unable to even recall what
that Stupid little thing we love
Even more now as a problem
Of post office to deal with  
and not solve instead of us. Waitin around week by week
To creation.

I’ve read the words that
Made the world.
I’ve sang the psalms
That praised them.

Strung out lyric
Belted from infantile lips
Ever ignorant,
Ever innocent,
Of the abhorrent things
Done under
ritual, devotion,
& bliss

__

In the vast abyss of emptiness, as nothingness
reigns supreme, there lies a flicker of value,
a glimmer of hope.

Within our power to decide what treasures
we shall pour into the hole of our hearts,
the means to mend the fractures of
our souls – to be whole.