I’m sorry I got that question wrong.
I’m sorry I can't move on.

I’m sorry I'm not smarter.
I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger.

I’m sorry how I take on as much as I can
only to ***** it all up.
And I’m sorry I couldn't find the man
inside my empty cup.

I’m sorry I waste my time away
trying to find a dreamy way
to happiness
when of course,
there's no such thing.

I’m sorry I don't talk much anymore
or that I let on how my heart is sore
from all the roughness
and how it keeps beating
without a source.

In fact, I must confess,
I am dying under boundless stress.
Each day my depression attacks,
reopening these countless cracks.
So many times have I walked this hall
feeling so weak and so small,
bracing for a final fall
just waiting till my lifeline snaps,
like any second I’ll collapse,
but of course I never do,
I know better than that.

But if I were to give my final words today,
this is exactly what I would say.
But that I won't undergo
I suppose you’ll never know

how sorry I am that there's nothing I’m on top of
and for dormantly letting endless piles of work tower above.

And how I’m sorry for caring more than I should
and letting myself be so consumed.

I’m sorry for impeding the impedeless
and for hoping in the hopeless.

And finally,
most especially,
I am sorry
for wanting to be so important
and that I became nothing but torment.
I am sorry for wanting so hard to be heard
when it's clear I’ll only ever come third.
I’m sorry for thinking I could matter
or that I could make things better.
I am sorry for believing
that I could amount to anything
at all.

Nothing works,
I took all they gave.
Therapy,
Diagnoses,
Drugs.

And they took all I had.
Blades,
Technology,
Privacy,
My sense of self.

All to get "better."
"Better."

It seems that nothing works.
I'm just the same as before.
Or - I can't remember before,
I don't think I was there for that,
I was off where my own thoughts couldn't hurt me
(Maybe it got so bad because I wasn't there. I let go of my body and let It take the steering wheel and steer me towards my death.)

All I know is that right now, I feel like
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

You were supposed to fix it.
What happened?
Why does nothing work?

I feel odd
This strange mood has taken me

Something isn't right
Something isn't right

Discontent incomplete not whole
I wander down a bright corridor the lights hurt my eyes
The hum a cacophony of pain

Something isn't right
Something isn't right
Something isn't right
Something isn't right

I'm falling but stationary
A runaway train lost in the empty brightness
I'm mindlessly speeding through nothingness

Something is terribly wrong

I've never felt this way before
A mad descent
I'm suffering and I don't know why

I feel sick
From tension
From speed
From stress
From pain
From sickness
I don't know why

Something is wrong
Something is wrong
Something is wrong
Something is terribly wrong

My life is falling apart
as I curl up the walls close in
The bright light intensifies
I can't take it
I don't know
Please GOD save me

Please somebody save me

I can't think
I can't eat
I can't walk
I can't sleep

Something is wrong and it's hurting
The light intensifies
The hum gets louder
The walls begin to crush my chest
I gasp for breath but nothing reaches my lungs

Everything’s under control.
Sure, the controls are a bit old —
nah, it’s not quite like a dice roll,
it’s all still working, kind of, all told.

Not to worry, everything’s fine,
all systems are still online
even if it looks like some redlines
are warning us of flaws in the design.

Sure, a failure happened before
that had lots of troubles in store,
hordes of red flags that could not be ignored
but were anyway. Led to one or two wars

but it’s OK, we fixed it back then
without needing to count down from ten.
Shut down your doubts, say yes and amen —
What, me worry? That’s our kind of Zen.

i failed,
please don't hate me.

tears fall,
nose aches,
throat burns.

hands tremble,
heart clenched,
lost in this ache.

my love can't defy you,
my weakness.

before the mirror,
"I'll make them proud,"
murmurs to my heart.

i failed,
please don't hate me.

I’m always trapped in a cage,
No matter how much I age,
People’s expectations,
My own limitations,
The iron bars surround me,
The cages won’t let me free,
I’m surrounded by my failures and guilt,
It was a cage I built,
But a cage nonetheless,
My soul bleeds pain like pus from an abscess,
Everything I’ve done,
Every failure on rerun,
Maybe eventually I’ll heal from all of this,
But I’m within the cages abyss,
Unable to fully be,
Until my cages set me free,