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Here I am tarnished, a blemished soul
searching for anything to complete me, make me whole
What you think really is irrelevant.
We all have relatives that's have closets full of skeletons
Isn't that the right, your excellence
There is no case there is no evidence
How do people keep living on in complete ignorance.
With every experience to
I pray for my own deliverance
If I had other intentions I doubt it would make a difference

Feeling like i am at least a little woke
as well as somewhat exposed
now i at standing here at this crossroad
.Im hallowed, I can't help but to be a cutthroat
I've got problems by the very shitload
teetering on the brink of a psychotic episode
My mind is begining to overload
For me it is just **** late for me to go rogue
Too soon for me to attempt to go ghost.
So as there chaos begins to unfold
I'll be right here, your **** right I am throwed
This story has since been rewrote.
My mental illness still has yet to be Diagnosed.
I am still stuck in beast mode
its possible I think I am about to overdose
Im searching for the antidote
This is some habitat, cozy little cabbage patch, where bad ideas are known to hatch. strapped with gats just so I can cap the Shorts. No brag just fact Attempting to walk out unscathed integrity intact digging myself up like an ancient artifact. In this cataphract chaos I knowingly attract
Spill the secrets that overload your very soul,
Don't let yourself lose all of your self control
Broken vessel, I'm just an empty hull
Can't stand the sounds of these thoughts, I gather until they rattle on around inside my skull...
keep in mind that i'll cut you from ******* appetite,
the flames inside seemed to just ignite
This familiar feeling seems to stir as it also seems to excite
looking in from right outside
as if I were stuck knee deep in my kryptonite
After all the things that had been sacrificed
Dissatisfied by the very changing price
on your host You tend to feed like a parasite
Anger erupting exploding just like dynomite

We roam on like we are all blind, with my very soul I outpour every word that I write
If you want my advice, keep in mind everyday I feel a little less alive'
High at times usually hiding in the shadows of these dark rhymes
An unseen evil remaining hidden behind, the tombstones, in this ancient graveyard of mine
Really was it that big of a surprise to find,
That to shine, I would usually rise
Because when push comes to shove, I have noi choice but to survive

So here I am too numb now to feel the pain
As matter of fact I do not feel anything, so I spit out these pieces of broken luck
Don't get **** twisted though because I still do not give a ****
One day I will rise above smile on my face as I go flying by tragedy has streaked my dark sky but I will stand my ground til the day I die
Nightmares haunt me rather I am asleep or wide awake
I wonder how far can I bend before I actually break

So much for these nights of quiet contemplation
I was swallowed whole by the chaos from the very moment of my creation.

I cry out, I beg, I plead, I pray
All in search of a better way
It gets harder everyday
For me to hold my demons at bay
Everything I say at least to me sounds so cliche
Not that it matters what I say
For there's no one listening to me anyway

To the sky I blow the smoke from my cigarette
I try my best not to live with any regret
I keep telling myself not to get so upset
Over things that haven't even happened yet

I feel like I am stagnet kind of like smoke that has gone stale
Maybe it's me roasting over the open flames in my own hell

Every time I turn around I come across another complication
So now I am seeking out a little salvation


In reverse I am falling free in a tail spin
I cannot give up nor can I give in
It would be the ultimate sin
If I were to let this devil win

My drug abuse is just an excuse it's like a crutch I use still I wish these demons would turn me loose

The stars in my dark sky do not shine bright enough for me to see
So through the sinister darkness I stroll blindly

I am headed to a pretty place now where the flowers grow
Steadily I am just rocking this **** bowl
I may be back within an hour or so
Then I'll travel on to places even angels fear to go

Fire burning everything down it's now all like ashes to dust scattered by the wind
When will this torment ever ******* end
I'm not your foe but I am indeed a fiend my friend
So I guess it's here we go again

I'm only crazy when I start to go sane
When I'm so numb I actually long to feel the pain
Everything I wrote is twisted perverse explicit and profane
My misery these words do contain
Every day it's harder for me to be able to maintain
Every symbol is utter drips with much disdain
Yet here I am melting in this acid rain

I think the end maybe coming soon,
Eyes bigger than the neon moon
Animated I'm all drawn out like a **** cartoon
Looking at the morons all red assed like a **** baboon
I'm stark raving mad laughing like a loon
All the while I am being crushed underneath the weight of this pending doom
My cluttered room is starting to feel like a tomb
Disastrous behaviors I resume
*** and sweat scent the air like a new perfume
The toxic fumes colorful as a peacocks plume
Shot gun blasting off with a sonic boom

I lost myself in a God forsaken place
So far out of reach from my saving grace
I drink of my misfortune it has a bitter taste
**** this Life what a waste
I can't seem to keep up the pace
Faster than me are the ghosts that chase
Haunted by all the mistakes I can't erase
Here bodies have been known to disappear without a trace.
You already know if there is no evidence there is no case
So in the clutches of evil I smother in its empty embrace
For some it takes drugs I was once told by an angel who visited my sky,
For some I learned from experience they need an iron clad alibi
so no one knows that they were out climbing higher just to get high
As for me I keep on chasing these smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why


from the sky I am falling free in a tailspin
Here we go once again
not your foe but I am a fiend my friend
hiding out in a world full of ignorance and pretend
what comes next well that does depend
on what demons we wrestle with what evil we contend
I'm walking around feeling rather condemned
Into What hell do I feel as if I am beginning to descend
To keep falling further down without any consent
Watch other around you beware of their intent
It's always ****** up **** at least to some extent



Holding onto anything that keeps  me feeling whole instead of incomplete
haunted by these memories like they are ghosts its bittersweet
Yet here I am trying my best to render myself obsolete
in this shadow inside a cloud I tend to
retreat
cannot bring myself to admit defeat
I cannot erase all the mistakes that I cannot seem to delete
So for all the secrets I am forced to keep I give them to the Lord so perhaps I can finally sleep
Off this mortal coil I sometimes feel I should leep
falling to my rock bottom in a twisted broken heap
Actions speaking louder than words  prove talk is cheap

the price we pay for the way we live though is rather steep
Through my old neighborhood I slowly creep
doing my dead level best not to break down and weep
For the still waters that run through me run so very deep


It all weighs heavy on my mind and even heavier on my heart
I feel like I am about to embark
On a trip and just as I am about to depart
I light the night on fire I light me up to see where I spark
hiding away in the darkest of dark
More than likely underneath the midnight sky in some god forsaken trailer park


I have a unique point of view due to all the ******* I have been through
You cannot be me and I don't want to be you
I promise I am anything except brand new
I know what it is that I need to do
its just a matter of following through
i feel as if I can trust only very few
most people don't even have a clue
these ghosts now are then ones that seem to pursue
as off this yellow brick road I wander off into the clear blue
leaving all the crap in y rearview



What else can I say in a way that's not quite so cliche
How in other words do I convey that hell no I am
not okay
its harder and harder every **** day
to hold  these demons of mine at bay
when they are just longing to play
How far have my feet gone astray
why is my sky always so dark and grey

cigarettes burning  on the window sill while joints lay unlit in then ashtray
youtube song list blaring away stuck on replay


so here I am trying not to flicker like a flame burning out trying not to fade away  
For me its seize the night looking for a better
way.
perhaps one that doesn't have so much hell to pay


My story has not been written in cement
nor in my flesh from a sharp edged impliment
profane and explicit are my works full content
So I'm holding myself in contempt
at least in any event I have no intent to put up a false pretense myself being someone I misrepresent
I have nothing but time that can very well be spent
trying to find new ways to repent
Now don't go getting **** all completely
bent
take a deep breathe and just vent
I've meant what  I  have said saying just what I meant
so to the heavens prayers I have sent
to ease some of my **** torment


not sure if that's how it's really goes or if it's just the way it has always went


when night draws back it's curtain and pins it with a star
know that I love you if I ever loved you no matter where you are
rather you are so very near or quite far
in the tinted moonlight I bathe every scar
getting wasted sitting here at this bar
I guess we are just who and what we really are


So off into the horizon I stare as if I am doing nothing wrong
up all night long
just hitting the **** ****
trying to move on
trying to remain strong
its hard when at this impasse you've stood way too long
forcing yourself to fit in all then places you know you don't belong


long story short these are probably the ramblings of some old fool who has lost their way in the chaos that was stemmed.
unable to see in a light so dimmed
Yes Father I am sinner who has most cerianly    sinned
My book isn't written in ink but in my blood it has been well penned
Broken hearts and promises that I cannot seem to mend
searching for a means to an end
WIll I eventually break after so far I bend

an addict's mindset is where I've been so stuck
screaming out in the night that I just don't give a flying **** while I try not to choke on the pieces of my broken luck
So I went joyriding in a stolen truck
reeking havoc and running amuck
out in this thunderstorm like a sitting duck
trying my damnedest not to get lightening struck


because when falling free from the sky hitting the ground in a manner so abrupt
could cause anyone to erupt especially if like me they are already cold and quite corrupt
So before My final self destruct
try not to burn so bright you spontaneously combust
burning it all down like it was Ashes to dust


Charcoled and burnt to a complete cinder
my mind is twisted you probably shouldn't enter
The voices in my head were fun for me to dismember
Sometimes I really hate my ******* temper
I try not to stand in the way I don't wish to hinder
I am looking for hope maybe just a glimmer
hopefully it shines like stars at night all a shimmer
blinded by the white of the snow falling to then ground in the dead of winter


So I close my eyes and I am bombarded by the memories that just were not meant to last
you know the ones that disappear so ******* fast
Pain and suffering tormenting me still though the trauma has passed
tt all leaves me feeling like I need to go out and get smashed
leaving everything behind everything trashed


smoke another joint twist another bowl
keep on burning that hole
out of control
right into my very soul

I've gone to a pretty place now where the flowers used to grow
now its a desolate wasteland where even angels fear to go


shivering from the cold winds that  continue
to blow
I jump down another rabbit hole
Instead of attempting to blindly stroll  in the sinister darkness that the time it takes fade has always been slow.


to  error is human but to forgive they say
is divine
I know that I **** **** up all the time
always searching for my buried  treasure I believe that I will never find
bound by blood to these very ties that bind
Maybe I am just a little bit out of my mind
I'm a character once assassinated so I'm that much harder to define
trying to keep it all kind
I'm understand time is just a thing to remind
that our pasts we cannot leave all that far behind
Then years simply are unwilling to rewind
I feel I have burned I will perish and I have pinned
form the fatel feelings on which I now dine
Yeah sure I am doing just fine
sliding down this steep incline
gasping for any kind of vine
trying to keep myself in line
like that glimmer of hope I long to sparkle and shine
so many questions twisted up inside of my head as I find myself laying awake staring at the ceiling from my bed lately I have had nothing but feelings of dread lately all I have been seeing is red I feel like I'm hanging on only by a thread I **** sure cannot forget that I am standing alone right here on the edge If I fall arms outstretched...
As free as this Do you think that could actually fly, flying, soaring freely though the sky above all the clouds way up high. The view would be so amazing. Oh my. Thinking about all the time that has passed me by, About the questions and I have and the reasons why. Could I reclaim every tear from up here that I did ever cry? Why have all my plans went awry? Why can't I tell my loved ones who have passed good bye? If all my wrongs I could just somehow justify. I would finally be as free as this **** butterfly. Oh what and intense feeling to Electrify. To all those I love standing nearby, I cannot come down, I cannot comply. Hereon out consider me just a firefly that life finally did satisfy. Every I should remain dry for I did not die. I just took to the sky.
As of late there's just been so much going on
Everything seems to just keep going wrong
oh it was such hell the pain I've undergone
I'm standing here just trying to hold strong
Just barely creeping in right under the dawn
I've **** sure been a bit more than headstrong
I am cursed my whole life, my whole lifelong  
Always searching for some place to belong
All these **** tales of such woebegone
My suffering it keeps trying to prolong.
It's about time that I get ******* gone
you'll find me out chasing a unicorn
blown around by the winds in a thunderstorm
An tragedy that's just waiting to transform

Regret blowing to the sky like smoke from my cigarette
I try really hard not to let myself get so upset
over things that haven't even happened yet.
I'm never been someone that you'll easily forget
I've been chasing my own **** silhouette
Right off into the most beautiful sunset
I just want to find a way to completely disconnect
just long enough for me to ******* reset
to me it sounds like a reasonable request
Leave it to me to be a lost space cadet
I never claimed to be anywhere near perfect
with all due respect, I'm  just a subject that's been depressed
stuck deep inside that dangerous addict mindset
I have a tendency to become a tab bit obsessed
with all of these dark thoughts that I collect
Spinning and twirling around like I've been possessed
in retrospect Its probably not my spirit you should resurrect  
The few precious hours that I actually slept were so **** blessed
that with all my strength, on my shoulders , the weight of the world I attempt to heft
So with the very last breath my body has left
out into the darkness I have slowly stepped
All my emotions are unregulated and unchecked
praying to the Lord, crying out his name as I wept .
somedumbbitch Jun 24
I don't think, I really want this...

But surely, I
still have the eyes, to perceive
that she's the kind of,
fever dream
that makes grown men, and women,
lament, and weep

for the way, her jeans
gather round, her knees, and thighs--
for the way, her eyes...
pay homage, to the ancient skies...

would you take...a ride?
And, hey...would I...?
I don't think I might...

but she asserts her swerve,
with a certain sway,
and her curves,
would serve,
as hors d'oeuvres,
for days.
Her fruity lips...
with a sparkle glaze

they trickle...dark...as marmalade.
But if harvested, late...
what's their carnal taste?

...Is she the mark, on the grave,
by which, I think...I know myself?

No...I don't think I really want this...

not a shiver, runs through me.
But, sue me...for looking,
when she's so ******* juicy...
does it consume me?
Does it titillate me?
...I don't feel me, hyperventilating?

What if she turned, to face me?
To lay me, lace me
between her thighs...
internalized; eternal lies,
to sate me,
with her flavor, to bait me
acerbic, and savory...
Her skin, burning, like a lamp wire,

and her fingertips, debasing me.
What if I, was her vampire,
and she,
the one slaying me?
A slaking queen...
aching to break, her thirst...
so, what if I staked her, first...?
Would she mortify,
like ash?
Or would she forge, a lighted path,
and make me wish,
she had, forced...my hand?

No...I don't think I really want this...

not a shiver, runs through me.
But, sue me...for looking,
when she's so ******* juicy.
This is a highly experimental piece, following a discussion, I had. Contemplating the topic of, "could I be?" "Would I be?" I enjoyed layering the rhyme scheme, most of all. "She" doesn't exist, she was the embodiment of inhuman, female perfection my mind tried to build, broken down into basic features.

I pushed the boundaries to write outside my comfort zone, and it went rather weird. I don't think I lean that way, but it was fun to write about something completely different, in an entirely new way. Make of it, what you will, I guess? Happy Pride month, y'all.
Matt Jun 23
I loved LA

I hated the campus
I hated the weather
I hated the hotel
I hated the drive
I hated the distance from home
I hated the judging, the scores, the results.

I hated LA
I hated LA so ******* much

yet

I loved LA

I loved the topic
I loved our rounds, our arguments, our performance
I loved the experience
I loved who I was there
I loved the new people i met, and the friends i spent time with

but more importantly,

I loved LA

getting to spend the weekend with her was a feeling beyond any other
having not to rely on fate to see her, to talk to her, to hold her, to love her
being able to wake up and know i'd spend the day with someone who cared,
listened,
comforted,
laughed,
loved.

I loved LA
and she taught me why they call it the city of angels
I wrote this poem on the ride home from the California State Debate Championship which was the first place I truly met my now girlfriend.
somedumbbitch Jun 13
You trail my body, in profane whispers
as teeth, gnash, above you.
Fingers, play your spine;
hands, rub up, your back, and neck,
and waterfall down, again,
like party streamers,
as my lips, seek,

every heated,
vanishing inch, of you.  

Secret moans, escape vibrating chords.  
Steam, from a rattling kettle.
You snake your way,
down peaks, and valleys.
I lift my head, to suckle
Your thick fingers,
as they rub, roughly, hungrily,
over aching *******,

but instead, they twine,
like a boa constrictor,
around my open throat,
as you latch on, to one pink bud,
and abuse it, with your tongue.

You laugh,
diabolical;
Hell, heavy in your grin.

Your thick member dances,
and sways, before my eyes.
Svengalian, in its torment.
Dizzying me,
as I choke, with a tensing throat
...charmed,
lured, forward,
to meet its one-eyed gaze...

but then,

you tell me,
you'll only **** me,
if my begging pleas,
my cries,
for my Sir, to fill me,
can work their way past,
their narrowing windpipe.

I claw, with catlike intensity,
at your wrist, and arm.
Tiger-striping you,
as you squeeze.

My tongue, grows too heavy,
for its moist cell...
and lolls out, as glassy eyes, roll up.

Oh, Mister...if I black out...
I only hope, that I wake up,

with your shaft, searing my tongue,
and your glaze,
laquering, repainting,
my made-up face.

Vision swims back;  
but you slither, downward:
a fork tongued serpent,
dithering, in the garden.
Your knuckles, are tinted:
red, and white, with tension.
You grip my ankles,
and fan, creamy legs,
to their outer limits--
your mouth, urging my poppy,
to bloom, euphoric.  

I scream,
in a hoarse voice:

I scream, for you,
to devour my passionfruit:
to bathe your tongue, in it,
so I can polish your aching rod,
with my forbidden citrus...
but you ****, and roll,
the hard seed,
with languid,
languorous motions,

feasting on the rind,
until I'm shaking, spasming
thrusting, upwards,
in a mindless,
fevered sweat...
an oasis, pooling
around burning thighs.

I want to ride, your face;
I want to suffocate you,
until your cheeks, suffuse,
with color,
and you struggle, to breathe.
I want you, to grip my thick hips,
to feel me, melt;
to see me glow, above you,
lit from within,

like egg tempera,
on canvas skin.

But your flogger, drives down,
and jolts me, from my reverie.
It drives, hard,
down my nakedness,
seemingly splitting
delicate pink buds, in two,

as I scream, and writhe, pathetically
under each blow,
in a helpless
surrender.

Welts, are already blossoming;
recoloring ample *******,
under braided,
leather strips.
Your arm, rises, and falls,
pistonlike

with a professional wrist snap,
again...and again.

I howl; *******,
bruised:
wanton,
in my want, of you.

...I guess it's my turn,
to wear the stripes, now.
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