Needed what I never got --

got what no one should have --

now I yearn for what no one should,

and it hurts like
a dog tethered in the yard
barking its fool head off

and no one is coming home

I've been saying that a lot recently,
not sure how to stop,
Anyway.
I'm okay
Just a little misplaced
Starting to think its really a
Personal Problem
Who the hell am I,
anymore,
Anyway?
I'm back home and being sober
For a while
Trying my best to figure myself out
Before it's too late and that's all I have left to do.
These thoughts arent shocking
and aren't new
when I cry in the middle of the night
in the middle of my new bathroom
These thoughts are piled up like my ***** laundry that drives you
Away.
Like you, I miss who I was
But how can I give up
again,
anyway?
How much letting go can I do
In my Youth
before all of who I am to the world
is lost
to painful, past potentials?
I am afraid
what's happening
was always inevitable,
anyway.
Because between the situational and unconditional
I don't know where we lie
so now I lie to myself
To feel a whisper of the warmth
to thaw this unrest of loneliness
and melt into my purpose, defined.
Anyway;

At any moment death today
Will shiver coldly down my spine
What could be more? What would display?
If can't we see, or full of sight?

Does it suffer like what we draw?
Is there further than heaven's field?
Are the minds still ours to call?
Is there meaning serenely real?

Can they see all and tease our pain?
Or mock us when in random times:
Will they reveal their selfish games?
Or is it us that play with life?

Are we more than the souls that go
Like passioned men that march too soon:
What matters it when death the goal?
Or find out all the world consumes?

My rail tracks seem to have disappeared
Only the red autumn leaves seem to have covered
A cold melancholy in the air hovers
As I look beyond to see what uncovers

But the truth is that it is an endless journey
There’s no special place ahead, no sanctuary
Just the train, and the passing estuary
The destination seems lost, as I realise it was only imaginary.

Now I yearn for meaning.

What is this train journey,
Where is it leading?
Maybe it’s better to just hop off
And enjoy it from the beginning.

I want to stand,
on solid ground,

a canopy covered cloud,
to dream all day-round,

I want to live,
my best life,
and breathe,
like there's only,
today

I'm sad.
And that's okay.

This heaviness in my heart
is not mine alone,
I carry it for my mother
and my father
and his mother

I carry it for her husband

who quickly became
the demon
sleeping in the
shadows
that then became
a
stain
who's faint edges
still linger.

Deep and bruised
like my heart
after that day
confused and
oh, so green

I was already shedding
my innocence,
but you stole
hers

in one moment.

And for this
she
starves
herself
of nourishment

of unadulterated
joy

her body,
something she feels
shame
about

all because you thought
every
body
was yours
to be played
with.

It rose from dark void
A place lifeless and decrepit
Where even deities avoid
The 8 keepers in the centre

Like snakes they trap so tight
To pull you into the tarry abyss
Even toothless they grip like a bite
And leave a crimson circle kiss

Like a badge of honour that's deeper than just skin
To escape the waves of a stormy star sea
And like a captain that's never seen the terrors within
The only way to delay the inevitable is to flee

The celestial bodies act like sand in an hourglass
An unstoppable whirlpool of singularity
Like a drain-pipe of light that shows nothing will ever last
With hourglass bottom down in eternal eventuality

Just like the most brutal storm there is always an end
The 8 keepers are encroaching on all there will ever be
Using reality like a wet map that will tear and bend
The sea of existence will settle forever in entropy

It rose the dark void
And all is lifeless and decrepit
Because nothing could ever avoid
The 8 keepers in the centre

Baseline fractures
Faults in the earth
Inevitable crevices, unfathomable
Depths, and the-
                         -another?
                              Baseline fractures



Darkest shores
A dozen dead mourners
Grey lights and
A land without corners

Horizons twist bitter
Into themselves
The world descends further
Out of the shelves

From dust a baseline
From dust a hall
From dust to dust
It's just a hall