When I was a kid I thought I fell in love Worshiped the ground he walked on and the sky above Giving everything I had was all I'd ever known He was supposed to be my heart and my home I'm not much older now but I often remember The child that I had been; God how I hate her I can't hurt anyone but I can inflict the pain on myself And I guess I do that too often to be good for my health The question that always comes up for me is "why" The search for an answer continues as the years go by I wish I could reach across time and destroy your life Instead I sit here and watch red run down the knife
Your ex Who happens to be my best friend Opened up to me the other day About how they used to resent me Because of the way you treated them When I entered into poly with you Which is entirely understandable Especially considering that you Decided to tell them something big While you guys were out with friends You just couldn't wait to tell them That you didn't think that you were poly Because you thought you only loved me Yet I never heard this from you ****, I never even saw it much Whenever you complimented me You balanced it with one about them Which I thought was fine Because they're a really good person Little did I know that you were Being so abusive to them all the time While telling me how much you love them
I think what ****** me off the most About all of this **** Is that I felt that I was done with you I stopped thinking about it all Either I'd processed all I needed to Or I was repressing all the damage Because you caused a **** ton But finding this out? It makes me so ******* angry Because you had them believing That things were great between us And made me believe the same about you two While you emotionally abused and Deeply manipulated both of us On such a level that Certain songs give me anxiety And I get flashbacks of you Of us Sitting in your house in the dark The only light coming from candles Music playing over the speakers An ambient setting that Holds so much pain From both positive and negative experiences
Yet those don't even feel like memories They feel like something I saw in a movie Because by the end of those long 6 months You brought me so close to the ground That I still taste dirt when I breathe
I hate that you're in my head again Because I was fine before this Before hearing even more Or the torture you put them through And how the pain you inflicted on me The pain that causes dark anxiety Upon seeing any Jeep vehicle Paled in comparison To the ways you abused and hurt them How ******* dare you They were nothing but loving and caring to you I could've screamed with joy when they left you.
I hope it burns. I hope you know you're abusive. I hope you think of us often. And I hope you get help And never do this ever again.
This needs to be my last letter to you And I don't even want you to read it This is just for me and my own health For so long I let other people Dictate what was right and wrong Especially with my own opinions and thoughts Because I didn't trust my perspective And I should not have permitted that From you or from anyone Ironically The time that drives me mad Occurred in one of our last conversations Where I acknowledged the fact that I might have still had feelings for you But I didn't want anything like that from you I just wanted to be open and honest Yet you took it as me being cocky And tried to take a jab at me "I like how you assume I'd want to get back with you" Which would've been an honest misunderstanding If just two weeks earlier You hadn't been trying to **** me And then cover that with claims that You still had feelings for me And because I didn't trust myself And because you assumed I was being shady I must have been right? So I created many different reasonings That fit both my actions and your perception But, here's the only truth I did not want anything from you We had talked about being friends Ethically I wanted to explain myself I wouldn't want to start a friendship If you didn't know what I was feeling But you believed what you wanted Then decided to ghost me from there
Little did you know I had immediately deleted your number So about a month later When you texted me out of nowhere I only knew it was you because After all the years I know half of your number But it's not like you wanted to talk In a way that friends do No, you most likely were feeling Either lonely as **** Or you weren't getting enough attention And you suddenly remembered I exist Because you always thought I was a safe bet The person who would always be there Except that's an abusive expectation Unconditional positive regard That's a therapy technique It's not made for relationships Or human connections So when you consistently use me While your boyfriend is in the hospital Or he's in a rough place and can't ***** you the way you want When you text me after so much silence Expecting me to even respond at all And honestly I didn't want to
Initially I planned to ignore the message Or just delete it But why would I give you the power To create your own narrative for my behavior? So you can text me again in a few days As if I was just busy and forgot to respond Because I'm always here right? Absolutely not Not anymore I'm done with your dramatic **** With your inconsistencies and Your using of me as an object of Comfort and safety I deserve better than that And since you don't respect me Enough to give me that consideration Then I'll do it myself
And just in case you think I'll regret it Or change my mind some day Keep in mind that your grossly passive response (A singular "oh" To my assertive request not to talk to me again) Immediately reinforced my decision To put myself first Because I love myself now And I deserve much better than that And I owe you Nothing.
I hope this is the last set of letters Because I am so tired Of hanging onto these things that Happened so long ago now And allowing other people To have this type of control over me I love myself now and That really is an amazing thing I didn't even like myself back then I couldn't even comprehend the idea That I could care about myself this way And that's exactly the reason Why all of these past occurrences Suffocate my thoughts so much Because I cannot fathom how People who claimed they loved me Could treat me the way they did How I could let them Use me and Abuse me and Manipulate me to such a degree Where I stayed in those conditions For much longer than I should have The reason I haven't let go yet Has nothing to do with my exes It has to do with the ways in which I allowed important people Those who I shared love and a life with To hurt me so deeply It is not about the people It is not about their names It is not even about the individual love It is solely about me and The love I carry for myself now And my own inability to comprehend How I could hurt myself so much By letting other people Actively hurt me so much
Meeting you was like a breath of fresh air at a time that I was drowning. You came to me unexpectedly and took the water out of my lungs allowing me to breathe again. Although you had frayed edges and dangerous ways, you intrigued me like no other. You were broken too, but I was there for you in times of need. You engulfed me in your words and held me close by But in the end, I was just another cigarette to you. You threw me away with ease and lit up the next one.
