I saw you again last night
I didn't see you for a year
You changed
I thought I'd be a raging mess
But I didn't feel anything
Like you never meant anything
I tried to save you so many times before but
I was never going to be enough
And you looked like you were scared of me suddenly
Like a deer chaught in headlights

I then realized
I was falling in the depths of a pit inside some other dimension
In which we are acting like strangers once again

You left love notes
Written along my ribcage
You said the spaces
Made perfect lines for poetry
My skin still remembers
Even after I washed you off

rite aid was out of maverick red 100s;
they only had shorts.
i had to buy a pack of newports
and the thought of shedding you
made me tremble as i slid my card.
yes, i switched from your menthols
back to my reds and yes, i kept your brand.

the other day i walked into my room
and the scent of cigarettes took me back,
back to the times of us sharing cigarette
after cigarette and i began to cry.
i called my therapist but she didn’t pick up.

the thought of quitting smoking crosses my mind
on at least a weekly basis, but i refuse to let you
ruin an agent of death i held in my hand
even before you came along.
i will not stop and i will continue to shed
the strongest tears for you.

Sometimes I wonder
I wonder if our love
will grow like the flowers growing around the bench

But then I worry that
Our love will be like the weeds
that get pulled out

I sit in class and wonder
I wonder if you are doing to same

I set next to you
My palms are so sweaty
I wonder if your are too

I lay in bed
At 2 am
t
h
   i
    n
      k
        i
         n
           g
             about
                 you
I think about how your eyes glisten in the sun
I think about how smart those glasses make you
look
I think about the way you giggle...

But then I think about how I can't make you as happy as your
EX...

As I drift to sleep.
You finally leave my mind
then I walk up and see your face...
C
r
  y
   i
    n
      g
But then I realize it not you.
Its me crying at a picture of you.
Laughing with you ex.

When you left me
My heart imploded and
It felt like I died

But I was still breathing
And each breathe tasted like smoke
From the fire you lit inside me

I loved you and felt more
In my emotions and my body
Than I think I ever will again

The hot mix of love and anger coursed through my veins
While the cold sting of forgiveness and emptiness filled my lungs
And it left me a freezing, burning mess of confusion and contentment

You were awful to me most days
I cried myself to sleep to your silence
But if you were nice the next morning I rejoiced and felt happy again

Now I am rotting inside
Because what I feel for these women
Is not what I felt for you

I feel empty vibrations in the caverns of my chest
I hear depressing gongs in my ears as they tell me they love me
I feel nothing when I say it back

This guilt is a vine that grows throughout my body
It begins in my lungs and steals my breath away
And it forces my limbs to act without emotion

I am cursed with genes that promote impulsivity and high emotionality
And by a past muddied with traumatic events that still hinder my existence
And by my own choices that have led me to hurt so many innocent people
In my quest to find myself

I am so broken and I don't want pity
I just want to understand why
I ruin every good thing that enters my life

Every day I have to maneuver between reality and what's in my head
I cannot determine if what I feel is real or if it's just the result of years of repression
All I know is that my rotting insides are overgrown with vines that keep me moving
Even though I just want to die.