it's been four months
since you left me
but it hasn't stopped hurting
it doesn't help
that you're dating the girl
who used to be my best friend.
it's been four months
and it shouldn't hurt so much
when i think of you
there have been others since you
but i end it every time
because you made me doubt everyone.
you said you loved me
and heck,
i loved you more than the sun loves the moon
and she sets every night for him.
i loved you with every atom of my being
but it wasn't enough for you.
i hope you're happy
that you ruined love for me
that i can't allow myself to get close to anyone.
i hope you're happy
as you continue to stab the knife into my back
while telling others what a nightmare i was
even though i treated you like you put the stars in the sky.
so please,
get out of my head and heart
you aren't welcome here.

This is never how I planned to spend my youth
Locked in my own fears and shackled to your dirt
Forced to live in (y)our constant mess
Afraid is judgement, yes, but fearing death by your breath
And shaking in your bones and your pine
I twist and turn my aching spine just to catch a glimpse
A glimpse of life outside of these walls a life filled with laughs and falls
But the happiness made up for the scrapes and bruises
While all I had was broken promises
Lost without a will to live I slowly climbed
Reaching higher heights than I've ever seen
I escaped your grasp to land on my feet
And though I'm certainly lonely I'm most certainly not alone
And even though I don't have a being beside me
And I don't have someone to think of before I go to sleep
I now dream of better things.

Things much bigger than you've ever seen.

Your sock is still playing hide n seek in my drawer
I can not bring myself to throw it out
Or toss it
Instead I let it squat between my own black socks and torn tights
It is the last thing I have to hold onto

His strong hands gripped me everywhere, he knew my sensitive places.
My eyes shone due to my intense obedience and humiliation.
I started to perspire in an excitable way.
My legs began to shake.
I could feel his affection through his endless kiss.
I felt intimidated.
He loved me.

I can still feel his indomitable hands around me, he knows my vulnerable spots.
My eyes glisten from my potent passiveness and embarrassment.
I break out in nervous sweats.
My legs are trembling.
I can feel his devotion in an infinite smack.
I feel terrorized.
He's attached to me.

i am allergic to washing up liquid
and lovers who taste of day old liquor
unfortunately
neither have a warning
‘may cause irritation’
weary desperation
to scrub clean
every thought of us remaining

my hands are sore from rubbing
my eyes are bloodshot too
crying
sharp hot tears of
glistening glass, cutting at my cheek

every shattered word you said
a piercing pool of lies
next time
will be different
raised voices as high as the expectations

sober me from you
i’ll go cold ’til i no longer feel you rushing my system
addictive coffee skinned boy
drunk on the idea of forgetting you
maybe this relationship be a blur like the night before
that's how I would liken it
maybe we'd be happier surviving on the memories alone
drink me down
throw away the bottle

i can only imagine how your head feels from the hangover
well that's how my heart feels
over

He's the man of my dreams
His eyes glitters seeing me
His pleasant words tickle my ears
His smile amazes my 18 year old self
His lips against my neck intoxicates my whole body


He's the man behind my poems
His eyes are lonely looking at me
His hurtful words stabbing my heart
His frown aches my bones
His last kiss brought tears and never ending rain of my life

He'll always be the my almost forever.

Maybe I shouldn't have been his girlfriend.
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so attached to the way he held me.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so needy for affection.
Maybe I shouldn't have got so jealous of his girl friends.
Maybe I shouldn't have told him every time I was sad.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so dependent.
Maybe I shouldn't have felt like I should be a priority.
Maybe I shouldn't have insisted on spending so much time with him.
Maybe I shouldn't have expected so much.
Maybe I shouldn't have wanted more than he would give.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked for everything.
Maybe I shouldn't have compared myself to his ex.
Maybe I shouldn't have compared him to mine.
Maybe I shouldn't have pushed so much.
Maybe I shouldn't have pursued him.
Maybe I shouldn't have said yes.
Maybe I shouldn't have let him go.
Maybe I shouldn't have said hello.

You told me you still loved me today
My heart stopped
Not because I wanted you to
But because I hoped you didn't
You told me you still loved me today
My head spun
Not because I still think about us
But because I hoped you didn't
You told me you still loved me today
I went silent
Not because I didn't know what to say
But because I remember the days I begged for your love and you left me with only disappointment
You told me you still loved me today
I was sad
Not because I haven't moved on
But because I don't want you to chase after someone who doesn't love you
You told me you still loved me today
I paused
For I was in the arms of another.

Your side of the bed remains empty
And the TV bill is at an all time low.
I walk around
My chest heavy
Trying to avoid anything
That brings back your memory.

Your favorite painting is still crooked on the wall
Due to the last time we danced and made everything fall.

The dog wants nothing to do with me
And I miss the voice that swept me off my feet.

I haven't written in days
And I miss you in more ways ....

Than 1.

2 days ago I woke up past noon,
I checked my phone,
And no messages were received

I remember waking up to 3 from you once
Complaining about how you forgot your keys.

I know your leaving was done with such certainty
And I know she's everything I'm not
And does anything you please.

My mom said she saw your wedding invitation on Facebook
Last week, said she messaged you and you remain so sweet.

I'm chained to the everlasting memory of you,
And all those times I told you I'd die 4 you.

I'm in bed by 5
And look out at the moon
I wonder if she's ever told you
She'd die for you too.