It’s not a lot that I can give, not a lot that I have,
It’s just a drop in the bucket toward my goal to be better.
But even so, I wish I could give more than I’ve given myself,
Everything I have and anything I’ve had

So it didn’t go to waste
Rotting in a corner, in a room, in a space
That I can never go to again,
Or rather don’t want to go to once more

But rather reminisce about
Something that isn’t the burden
And weight that’s taken place in my heart
When I can’t look at someone else and say

I’ve done them right for once.
Futile, as my efforts are
‘Cause until now there’s not a lot I can find
That would be worth the effort or time

Others have to wait for something
As big as beating cancer,
as small as a birthday,
And from someone like me
On a day like that, of all days.

But I can give myself
And I can be here,
Forever, however long that is,
If someone would like,
I can be

Getting lost, and living solely for achievements, is no way to live.
What is next on the list of things to achieve?
Will it ever be enough?

-Rhia Clay

I don’t have many words today, as the day’s work has worn me down. Instead, I possess a quiet but firm resolve. Softly, under my breath, I whisper “Jesus,” and for now, this is enough...

-Rhia Clay

I see the way you look at her and laugh
inside jokes and all
even if your just friends it hurts
cuz' you just don't do that with me  
I see how angry you get with me,say you're on the game or napping or busy
I know you just don't want to speak with me
2 hours on R6
a whole night left on read
the promises you made often lie dead
I see when you'll talk to everyone except me
even my own best friend catch up to her in the hall way and flick her head
walk and joke
I just want to be dead
I'm glad you're friends
but I feel like this is the beginning of the end  
I see the "cousins" on your phone and wonder if  that's what they are
the love you once gave freely
for just a taste I must beg
late nights on calls
now spent crying in bed
but we're still together
and its ******* with my head
I try to talk or help you explain
but you tell me there's nothing
going on in your brain
almost all intimacy and affections
seems to be rebuffed
so still I must wonder
will I ever be enough

--
Hymn (Whispered):
Take my hands, break my name,
shape me into something tame.
Hollow me and call it grace—
just don’t let me go to waste.
--

I come not to pray,
but to become the prayer.
To strip the flesh
from this tired form
and offer it—bleeding, trembling—
on whatever altar will take me.
Call it sacrifice.
Call it madness.
Call it love.
All I’ve ever wanted
was to be worthy of something.
So I kneel.
To nothing.
To everything.
To the weight of silence
where a god should be.

--
Hymn (Sung soft):
Light me up, let me burn,
give me pain that I can earn.
Bury me where saints once cried—
make me holy when I die.
--

I fast from joy.
I purge my voice.
I pour myself into the mold of what you want
until I am hollow and holy,
and still—
you do not answer.
Tell me what to become.
A vessel?
An echo?
A thing to be used,
discarded,
but never adored?

--
Hymn (Harsher, trembling):
I am ash, I am dust,
build me new if you must.
Bind my bones, make me small,
but let me matter—let me fall.
--
I will bind myself to devotion
if it means being seen.
I will twist each rib into an offering bowl
and fill it with obedience,
with quiet,
with pain wrapped in velvet.
Make me sacred,
even if it hurts.
No—
especially if it hurts.
Because somewhere along the way,
I learned that suffering is closer to love
than peace has ever been.

--
Hymn (Barely a whisper):
Break me down, take what’s left,
whisper mercy into death.
Paint my name in wax and bone—
don’t leave me in the dark alone.
--

If there's a guidebook
on how to earn a place in this world—
then show me the first page.
I will carve its words into my skin
until I am scripture.
Until I am worthy.
I was never the favorite.
Never the chosen.
I’ve always been the shadow behind the flame,
the handmaid to someone else’s joy.
Unseen.
Unheld.
Unwanted.
--
Hymn (Fading chant):
Let me serve, let me stay,
take the light and walk away.
I’ll keep the cold, I’ll hold the night—
just leave me with a flicker of light.
--
But I learned how to serve.
To hold the pain of others
in a chalice carved from my own bones.
To carry their weight
as penance for simply existing.
And still—
I ask:
What more must I give?
I’ve torn out my name.
I’ve rewritten myself in silence.
I’ve given you my ribs as scaffolding,
my soul as tapestry,
my spine as ladder.
Yet you do not climb.
Each failure
becomes a hymn I sing through gritted teeth.
Each rejection,
a relic I wear like armor.
I don’t want worship.
I just want to matter.

--
Final Hymn (Broken, final breath):
If I fade, if I fall,
etch my worth into the wall.
Let them know I tried to be—
even if it wasn’t me.
--

So if I must be a martyr,
let it mean something.
If I must be broken,
let the cracks glow.
And if I was never meant
to be enough—