It's a destiny on
everyday to
the sunbeams
to hit the soil
and the green
to grow fresh

It's a nature, every
seeded plant to start
growing with
germinated awakening

This, is not by guess
it's just on real incidents
That had so many did
in the dreaming of the
realities yesterday and
the day before yesterday

It was another time
Walking on the large pebbles
Of Beer beach
The long shadows of the
Dry docked boats of the
Local fishermen resting
Until the next morning on
The English Sea
Stretching towards the
Jurassic cliffs that crumble
Signs warning the visitors
Of the probability of
Falling rocks
Cliff pieces

It was another time
A time I almost
Forgot
Until I returned

Work? Still permitted.
If you’re still employed, that is.
Your windows are grey?
Just paint another rainbow.
Clap again if you fancy

haughty and hateful or pitilessly played,
head freed from embroidered shoulders,
her heart beat, heavy, behind corseted layers.
Temptress or model maiden,
she fell just the same.
The jewel in a king’s crown,
cast away for the next shining stone.

You waded through memories
on your throne
All of us look on, smiling,
False courtiers, pretend lovers
To the hag who was queen
Your Tudor eyes crinkle

As you pretend joy
At this false homage
From this worthless court,
All bows and manic grins
shining winter twilight coldly on you

You see Death in their eyes
As once before in your sister's
When her Spanish heart
Sent yours to the Tower

But your head did not roll on its green,
As your mother's once did
For tearing Christendom in two
For daring
To think
That a woman
Could have
A voice

You stroke Queen Anne's jewels
With her fingers,
The ones she gave you
When she loved your father
Despite all it cost the world

We, the victors of the Elizabethean age
Laugh at you, Elizabeth, aged,
****** Queen
Whose lover's letters litter
The back of her tear-stained pillow

When your cold Tudor eyes finally close
And end the dynasty first founded
On a woman's vicious piety,
Know that you,

Lilibeth,
Liquid eyes
that sunk a Thousand Ships,
Tinkling laughter
that tore men asunder,
Iron fist
that quashed a myriad hopes,
will not be mourned.

He was in my head
Today
He was abusing me in the rain
I focused on the rain and ignored
The pain
The hurt
The exploitiaion
The rain protected me

Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.

Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.

I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.

I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.

Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.

Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.

Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak

I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.

My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.

Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.

I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.

I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.

I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.

I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.

Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s  name.

Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming  it’s me without me being asked.

I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.

To the women I’ve burned
I’m sorry,
To my brothers,
I’m sorry
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.