This was supposed to be my day—
a day to be happy.

I ended up alone.
Again.
Disgracefully.
Inevitably.

Every choice I’ve made
has brought me here.

I try to fool myself,
saying it’s not my fault—
blame my parents,
they raised me this way.

But I’m no longer a child.
Or at least,
I should have grown,
matured,
evolved.

At the end of my day,
the pleasure should have been mine.
But instead, I undressed,
put you in my mouth,
and gave you pleasure.

Happy birthday to me.

Living love is hard—
when you least expect it,
it sweeps your legs from behind,
leaves you sprawled on the ground,
bleeding out until you die.

There’s no one to save you.

I could say much more,
but I think only those who’ve lived it
know.

I told you no.
I should have walked away.
But I’ve been rejected so many times…
I think I’ve embraced the cause.

I should be a strong woman—
but what does that even mean?
Thinking only of myself?

Forgive me, my love—
next time,
I’ll open everything
I possibly can
for you.

I’ve been trying
to be so strong these past days
that I haven’t allowed myself
even a single second
to be
merely weak.

The pain
that tears through my chest,
from top to bottom—
there are no words
to truly describe it.

It is only
pain.

You chose to move on
and I respect that.
I’m sorry—
truly, deeply sorry—
for destroying us.

I miss us.
I miss the love
that was more attachment
and dependence
than anything else,
but still—
it was something.
It was family.

My mind
keeps whispering
that what I’ve done
is unforgivable.

— I am not worthy

One day,
these tears will stop falling.
The well will run dry,
and I will be able
to smile again.

Knuffels op de automatische piloot,
Ik-hou-ook-van-jou’s zonder ziel,
Stiltes vol onuitgesproken woorden,
Twee mensen in een huis vol leegte,
Een thuis waar het hart niet meer klopt.

Ooit samen, nu vervreemd,
Twee werelden die elkaar niet raken.
Wanneer hebben we voor het laatst gelachen?
Heb ik je ogen zien stralen als je naar me keek?
Waar zijn die goede jaren gebleven?

Konden we maar terug in de tijd,
Toen liefde nog eenvoudig was,
En ik jou zonder zoeken kon vinden.

Waar ben je gebleven?

Ik zoek,
Maar ik vind je niet.