what silly things are boundaries,
imaginary lines that tell people what they can and can't do.

i can not tell you what my boundaries look like,
for i never had them.

i was a child of use,
every aspect of me was someone else's.

so when my therapist decreed boundaries as my way to light,
as my ticket to mental health salvation,
i did my best.

it was pathetic really.
please don't touch me,
i said in the nicest most placating way i could,
i just don't really like it.

i tried and i failed.
for a child who was so used to achievement,
this failure hit me hard.

it was pathetic.
absolutely pathetic.
what was pathetic?
how easily those who were supposed to listen to me,
support me,
love me,
steamrolled that whimsy little fence i called a boundary.
they annihilated it,
dropped a metaphoric nuke on it with their sneers and greed.

no war is ever won in the first battle though.
so i will keep trying.

this is goodbye
I'm not a joke
I'm **** of your rants
stop telling me this lie
you dont love me
you love what I do for you
as long as I am
what you want me to be
...i cant do this anymore
i cant bottle my feelings
hide in my room
just to avoid going into war
I have to leave
i need to find my wings
and finally be able to breath
if i stay here
im gonna lose myself again
and see someone else
in the mirror
Eyes bloodshot from hours of crying
stomach acid burning
my hair a messs ... I stopped trying
I will get better.. I have to
this isnt living ,its existing
but if this is what you want
then I wish the best for you

why is it when Im sad you're glad and when I'm glad then you're mad?

Take take
Take it all
No give back
Fill your cup
Never fill mine
Feel the sunshine
Let me stand in the rain
I care, you don’t
Push but no pull
Receive but never give
Salute but never stand
Selfish, that’s your brand

you made me feel so loved
        i adored you
        i don't know how to feel
                   why am i apologizing
                   for you hurting me
why do i feel guilty
for something i didn't do?
                           why am i coming back to you
                           even after you caused me so much pain?
             why am i talking to you
             after you stole my voice?
                                          why do i see you as beautiful,
                                          when you made me feel hideous?
                why am i crawling back,
                after you tore me apart?
                          
                               ­                           why do i keep coming back?

mold me

        make me

             what you want

make me what you--
      what you want to be
pose me

   dose
              me

                     break
             me
down
            down
                         down

touch me
          control me
                 absolutely crush me
      hold me
               enfold me--

do
      what
                 you
                        please

mold         me
         make      me
pose           me
        break       me

Oh, mum. I have a lot of anger at the moment. You are not helping. I appreciate you’re trying but I’m still so angry at you. I can’t waste any energy on feeling bad about that fact. I need to accept it and you need to respect it. All is not forgiven. I’m sure one day it will be but not right now. Right now, it is a deep, painful, simmering rage at you. YOU. YOU. YOU. Not me. YOU. YOU. YOU. I’m angry at you. You. You.

I’m tired of parenting you. Of teaching you how to parent me, and him. I’m tired of being the adult in this family and being so alone.

You exhaust me.
You abused me. You scared me. You confused me.
You f**d with my head.
You felt better, I felt worse.
Sometimes you apologised, sometimes you didn’t.

Games, games, games.
New versions of old.
Death. Dying. Years. Numbers.
Illness, suddenly.
Corner, coming.

Space, limited.
Feelings, restricted.
No space for me. No space for my feelings. No space for my pain. I’m not allowed to feel pain. I’m not allowed to grow, or change, or challenge.
I’m not allowed me.

You said you would be there
where are you now
its like you don't even care
you said you know whats best
your tongue is a gun
i've taken so many shots
i wish i would've had a bulletproof vest
you say u know the real me
but i've lost myself
can't remember  who i should be
you said you love me
you hold  too tight
i wanna run away from you and be free