I am wading through some murky waters
That I have yet to understand
With sludge so thick and deep enough
It keeps me from dry land

Still, I try to power through
While keeping you all informed
Though this barrage of wanting to know
Is leaving me quite scorned

All I hear is "you have run out of patience"
And "surely I understand"
Well No, I do not, I am always compliant
Especially to a brutish hand

Throughout the years I have kept in line
And played the dutiful role
But shaking hands with Father Time
Permitted my mind to **** my soul

At times the struggle is so intense
That I cannot catch my breath
I strain and gasp to choke it down
Knowing you expect nothing less

By pulling rank, you shut me down
And add weight to my fear and doubt
You fail to see that I am grown
A mother who has earned her clout

Assumptions can be cruel you see
We both have made our share
I hope my voice of honesty
Helps us to finally clear the air

You are an added link in a long chain
That is weathered but still intact
Now, I am asking out of respect of that bond,
Let us please breathe before we act

Am I Lost...?

Amid a complicated swirl of tangled
thoughts,
The mind cannot comprehend nor decipher
the mutterings from within

It takes stern candor from an outside voice
To break through the woven web of
confusion and angst

Offering, the faint flicker of hope, enough
oxygen to remain burning in the dark

Or Am I Found...?

people only start caring when you're deadly skinny.

What if I needed
For you to simply glance my way..?
Would it validate my existence?
Make the invisibility cloak start to
fray?

What if it was essential
To communicate your thoughts and
fears?
Would it make me less mechanical
And find a way to allow the tears?

What if it was vital
To not dash and dine behind closed
doors?
I wonder if that adjustment
Makes for serene and calming shores?

What if letting go of the toxic
Is an integral part of growth?
Does that lead to a sense of
secureness?
Not being afraid of the things
unknown?

What if touch was necessary?
A hug to make it all go away...
Would the craving for what was lost
Be an obscurity that was never in the
way?

What if ALL the "What If's"
Bring light to just one truth?
Would I welcome in the contentment
Had I been nurtured in feeling loved
by you..?

so as of next week i will be starting my first year of college in a town too far away to come home for an evening and people keep telling me about the “freshman fifteen,” its inevitability, like i dont know how to live alone and the response to that is somehow gluttony. i dont think people realize how good i am at not eating. my digestive system still hasnt forgiven me for when i was sixteen and liked the taste of anorexia. no one ever talks about the fact that apparently part of recovery is running to the bathroom twenty minutes after every meal and having to stay there for twenty minutes after every meal because once you stop eating, your stomach stops holding anything. your intestines start making up for lost time. and it’s gross to say it but it’s something i live with and in reality the symptoms make me want to just stop eating again. there’s a reason i didn’t get the biggest meal plan. maybe i’ll start working out again, because that always helps make me forget that im missing dinner again, because thats what i did last time. i dont like the way people talk about the “freshman fifteen” because they dont know what i was like when i was sixteen. they dont know how good i am at not eating.

my body and i,
we do not always
get along.
our relationship,
like that of an old married couple.
an old married couple who got married a little too young,
too unprepared,
too wild.

a couple that's been together way too long,
so long that, now
we could not be with anyone else.
we don't know how to
and anyway, we have the same friends.

my body and i,
we fight a lot.
years upon years of arguments,
betrayals.
too many feelings have been hurt.
i'm not sure if there is even any trust left,
both equally as guilty as the other.


but there's still love there, somewhere,
deep down
and every now and again that goodness will appear,
hidden within the little things;
leaving meals out for each other,
tucking the other into bed after a long day
warm showers.
small moments of love

we stay together.