Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

No, oh no
Don't let me get like this again...

You tell me I'm getting "bigger," "fatter"
And point out how the clothes from when I was a preteen barely fit anymore.
And ask me if I'm really going to eat "all that"

Well, I guess not,
I guess I'll just
Serve myself less
and less

And maybe I'll keep track of what I'll eat--
Yes, I'll count the exact amount of calories that I need
And measure out how much I eat.

And then-
At the gym,
I'll push myself so hard,
Until I can't think straight,
and it just hurts,
and I can't breathe,
and I can't think straight,
and I begin to see stars float around (oh, aren't they beautiful?).

And then-
Once I eat too much, or even if I ate just enough, or too little--
If I ate at all,
Then I'll kneel over the toilet
And purge out my mistakes.

Yes, that's exactly what I'll do.

...

You say that I'm getting worse again,
That I'm beautiful,
That I have no reason to be doing this
That I'm selfish for doing this.

...Oh?
But aren't you the one that served me less,
And put me on the scale and turned that number into the new calorie deficit,
And took me to the gym to slim down until I was nothing more than skin and bones,
And forced me to kneel in front of the toilet,
The same way I would at the church pew,
Held my hair back,
Forced my fingers down my throat to activate the reflex that barely works anymore,
And made me purge out all of myself and flush it down?

No?
Oh.
Well, whatever,
Never mind.

I miss the days
When I could just eat without thinking about it
Without counting the calories
Without shaking with guilt
Without feeling so awful that I shove my fingers down my throat just to pull it out
To remove the weight
To release the guilt and shame and food into the toilet bowl

The cold bathroom floor has become comforting.
Knowing that after kneeling down on it, my hands trembling
I'll lose weight