For as long as I can remember,
the women of my family have lived
in hunger like hulking tigers in a cramped cage.
Love is quickly used up, its quality fading
from golden light into grainy shadows
flicked haphazardly across God’s great canvas.
After Love departs, nothing remains but
the splinters where we have torn away limbs
and dug holes in search of that light again,
the flecks of gold streaked through our hair,
the ones that know better than revisit our homes.
When we give up, we sit in our drab backyards
to watch the sun sink over a police state
masquerading as the ultimate state of grace.
We tuck our freedoms into bed, kiss our sacred rights
goodnight in case we never get the chance
to lead by the hand into the light of day,
and sneak back down to the kitchen for one last snack,
maybe two. Maybe more, maybe our mouths
wait in secret to transform into one bottomless pit
as we reach with every breath we take for something
we have always known and long since learned
we’ll never be able to grasp in our earthly fingers.

a reluctant smile as
her eyes made of glass
fixate on the plate in front of her
she is a void
both in her body
and spirit.

life is lonely.
and death gives terrible company.
so-
Would you like some dinner?

i have been swallowed by
my own reflection;
bones protrude through
pallid thin skin,
organs caving in
my stomach hoards a
swarm of bees,
buzzing through the
empty cavern that is
my translucent flesh.

i am a ravenous dog
teeth bearing,
devouring only water and air

i purge myself clean,
spill out empty calories
and irrational rumination,
skeleton hanging out of
a hollow casket,
appetite smaller than my waist.

i am freezing cold,
lanugo littering my body,
wanting to throw myself
in a fire,
to feel the warmth
that others feel.

i am a void -
this body is not my own.

Every 60 seconds someone dies from an eating disorder
But even with that scary reality I just can’t bring myself to recover
Water fills up my stomach like an ocean,
and my sickly brain just causes so much commotion
my hair just comes falling  out
I lay in bed all day and just pout
People tell me to just eat
Man do I wish it was that easy
When will I ever feel loved?
When the dress fits me like a glove?
My brain tells me that I have to take up less space to matter
But when Is enough enough, Is it when dinner is just an empty platter?
See, I look at others girls of all shapes and sizes and see beauty
But why is it so hard to see that in me?
Why did I have to go through all the things I’ve endured ?
i don’t know but I want to one day be able to say that I conquered.

I'm going through hell,
So why don't I get any hotter?