Say hello to your new friend
That is called
Anorexia Nervosa.
Rigid are her ways,
Viscious her thoughts,
Endless commitment.

Loving her was like a good meal.
An unexpected moment in the universe when everything goes right.
Whether the chef changes the recipe.
Or I just so happened to catch the place on a slow day.
An otherwise busy, fast paced world.
Everything from the complimentary water, to the appetizer.
The main course.
This was how good to be in love with her felt.
There was no such thing as placing another order.
Substituting one item for another.
Without need for a menu.
I wanted all that she had to offer.
This was a meal that couldn't be recreated.
Everything presented perfect on the plate.
The seasonal greens and meat overlapping what's thought to be imperfect.
We often take for granted the simple things.
Occasional efforts that what we need most can easily be found at request.
This isn't always the case.
We authentically lose anticipation doing so.
Creating different realities of ourselves. 
Rather than learning to accept. 
Soaked in juices, the aroma seeping through the air.
She sizzled, cracked, and popped.
This experience that approached.
This was eating at it's finest.
Preparing knife and fork.
Loving her without wasting a single crumb, morsel, or drop.
This was me biting into something that I've never before experienced.
Giving each other what we've both desired.
The fulfillment of one another.
Exploring portion after portion of this delicious rendezvous

She comes to play with me again
tempting me
sharing secrets
that no one else can see

I fight to move on
yet I stay
embracing her comfort
I take her hand blindingly

Reminiscing
on how she never left me 
from the start
she took me in

As absurd as it seems
she makes me feel whole
loved
accepted

I fight to stay alive
I fight
hoping 
for a brighter beginning

I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens  been fighting to get away.
                 But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
               Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
             But does that really make me happy?
             Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
   For what?
      To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
           Who would I be without her?
                 How would I live without these guidelines?

i hate so much hating myself
my skin
my arms
my waist
my legs
and all my body
'cause I'm a living, breathing creature
who can walk and talk and think and feel
my body works perfectly
and it has done so much
just to keep me alive.
my body loves me,
so why can't I love it back?

i hate how no matter how we're born
we are taught to despise
every bit of ourselves.

i hate how we learn to hate food
while so many are starving
for real reasons.

i hate this tortuous looks in the mirror
and this never ending cycle.

i hate how we try so hard to
make our outside look pretty
while we empty our insides.

i hate how our society
damages young girls and boy's brains.
i hate how they'll never feel whole
and proud of themselves.

i hate how socially acceptable it is
to do whatever it costs to lose weight
and i hate how we applaud
when people do.

i hate how we think it's okay
to comment in other people's appearance
as if it was meant for us
to define what they should look like.

i hate how hypocrites we are
talking about how wrong all this is
but reproducing this all the time.

i hate how no one actually cares
until it's too late.
and i hate how we're all broken,
pretending to be okay.

Open your eyes and take a look
Write those numbers in your little book
Make sure to keep them low today
And the pain in your stomach will go away

Swallow some pills and you'll be fine
In just a few weeks they'll see you shine
And light as a feather you'll prance around
This time your feet won't make a sound

Slip yourself into your tight black dress
Your best friend says you should give it a rest
Listen to me, no time to waste
So smack a smile on that pretty face

Don't whisper a single sound to him
He'll see your inner light has dimmed
The dumb girl with thighs that always chafe
Will be no match to your skinny waist

Take one step, and another and another
Until your book sees a lower number
Get used to looking at your reflection
If you want to earn your loves affection.

"You have to eat"

But no, I don't

I've already proved,

That I can survive

without food, without sleep,

living simply on negative emotion

trying to be worth it while

destroying with a worthless body in the process.

So don't say,

that I have to eat

I just ate an entire chocolate bar.
Could have it poisoned my very heart?
Cause although the chewing felt like flying
This aftermath feels just like dying!