I lie here awake at night.
Thinking.
Dreaming.
Believing.

I will never be the same person I once was.
But I can only hope, that I will become the person I want to be.
The person I’m meant to be.
For I have escaped.

And what’s that you ask?
What have I escaped?
You will only know through the truths I’ve encountered.
For I, will no longer give in.

I fear lies.
entitlements,
and envy.

For I don’t want to mistake your promises for prophecies that will never exist.
You destroyed me.
Your destruction compelled me into believing that there was better.
And that the pain would end.
But it didn’t.
It grew stronger.
And so, I grew stronger too.

But I did from you.
I ran so fast, that I no longer allowed your lies to fool me.
You couldn’t keep up.
And you kept trying to take me away from everything I built.
From the new person I became.
And the new bond I had created within myself.

But it hurt at the same time.
And it wasn’t easy to destroy the walls I had built around everyone else.
For you were the only one I let in for months on end.

And eventually, they came tumbling down.
Because I had so much fight in me, that I believed I could escape you.

And for a minute, just a moment, I second guessed everything.
But I knew it was you drowning me, because you swallowed me whole.
For years.
And this was my year to thrive.

I am becoming me again.
With every breath I take,
I feel my body expand with joy.

I am learning
to take myself
just as I am.

Incomplete.
Shattered.
Imperfect.
Just as I am.

When you’re glowing,
it means you’re growing.

One minute you’re indulging in life’s empty promises,
full of light with a touch a glow;
and suddenly,
you’ve been consumed by the paradox of your own mind;
crumbling;
deteriorating;
without a trace,
you’re dying.

It's better to be be alive and thriving, rather than being consumed, sick and dying.

being (you eat you buy you die)

eating seconds 1 2 3 4 5
swallowing minutes 57 58 59 60
gobbling hours 9 10 11 12
drinking days monday to friday
fighting months for all four seasons
killing years: five decades
retiring

being (you eat you buy you die)

Bitter sweet air fills my lungs with dignity and doubt all at once.
And although my head knows what needs to be done, the voice inside can no longer be contained.
It screams for a way out.

How can it be? She whispered in silence.
That I have allowed my body, my temple, to be denied of the very things in existence that it needs to survive.

Starve your brain,
alluring pain.
An induction that never ends.
The longer you go,
there will be nothing but just a trail of hideous brittle bones.
As your body begins to deteriorate,
your body will eat your own organs and flesh.
Not so pretty anymore I see,
nothing but a disastrous mess.

for anyone struggling with self-image

She has a comely form
and a smile that brightens her dorm . . .
but she’s grossly unthin
when seen from within;
soon an entire campus will mourn.

Yet she’d never once criticize
a friend for the size of her thighs.
Do unto others:
sisters and brothers?
Yes, but also ourselves, likewise.

My lovely wife Beth has struggled with an eating disorder for many years. I wrote her a poem titled "Is the Mirror Unkind" soon after meeting her. She was always much lovelier in my eyes than the reflection she saw in the mirror. And she was always much more generous with other people than she was with herself. The flip side of the golden rule is that we should treat ourselves as well as we would have others treat us! I hope anyone struggling with "self reflection" problems will be as generous to themselves as they are to others. And anyone who can sympathize with Beth can sympathize with themselves (hint, hint).

Keywords/Tags: Self Image, Mirror, Anorexia, Anorexic, Eating Disorder, Inferiority Complex, Low Self Esteem, Self Worth, Self Harm, Cutting, Anxiety, Depression, Hopelessness, Suicide