I opened them up just slightly, then in haste I departed
there creases and all that was inside spilt upon the floor.
I learnt from my first mistake, this wasn't the first time I had
opened one up. But the realization over took my needing and
what was within expelled so much held within,
mistaking what was and now spilt on the surroundings.

The next time I emptied them gently in to the tub,
I was slightly strange but I preferred to cut two open then
miss them in essence, I was hungry for what they had to give
and once I had my fill I discarded then to the side lingering
in a mess of what once was and what was partly tasted
sodden in the essence I had partaken to envelope them both in.

A few days later I had a taste for something different,
so I delved my knife into it. So seductive to watch
it break upon the skin, I scraped upon it and I licked
the knife like it was a lolly pop weeping essence on
my tongue. Then I spread it on the other then I lacerated
cutting it with a blunt knife, lusting the feel on my palm.

Do you know how long it takes to cut deep with a blunt
instrument. Time, and I adored the pleasure of the misery that
I felt when I finally ****** through from front to aft. I put the
blade down, and that piece that had became singular was now
digested within myself and it was salty going down. I ******
cereal every morning the aroma when descending exquisite.

"Just eat"
Mom says to me as she stares at me staring at my plate
"Wouldn't you feel better If you just ate?" She says "you're killing yourself you dumb little girl"  
I roll my eyes and I blink, I can see she's worrying sick by the bottom of her drink. She shrinks in fear every time I sit down to eat, cause she knows what I plan on doing in the bathroom every time I leave the kitchen.

"What a living hell" she says, looking at me like I'm the craziest ******* earth; As if I was the only one in the whole world. I just sit there staring back without talking any words.
She yells "you're putting me trough hell"
"Well mom you're so selfish that it's hard to tell" I respond
She calms a bit down as I bite a carrot, still she always seems to me like a parrot "eat eat eat" "don't do this to me" she repeats night and day even in her sleep.

I love my mum but she doesn't get being numb, food stuck on my mind while I'm just chewing gum, she just thinks I'm really dumb, for starving myself.
"Oh my darling" she sobs every time she's serving my plate "my poor little darling" observing my every move to make sure I don't hide my meal inside my hair
"Just eat, You'll feel better and you'll start to heal"
I know she's right, being cold and dizzy all the time is exactly my fight, Madly I bite my lip so she doesn't notice  I care. My head is aching all the time but at least my weight is not okay for my height so I might hide how much it hurts again.

"Just eat your meat" she says staring at me like I'm some kind of freak "You're so pale and weak, you must eat, don't cheat and you'll get a treat" I know she's right because I can never feel the heat but she should meet the two girls in my head I can never beat.

"Just eat, your arms and legs could snap" but at least I have a slender neck and a stomach that's flat.

"Just eat please, you're so sick" I know this but I'll have to stick with water and celery although I'll have no energy, I'll look pretty.

"Just eat, It tastes better than you think"
she says as she takes a bite out of the dessert she just served, but all I can think of is how much It'll hurt.
"Why would it hurt? It's just cake for god's sake" she yells
But all I feel is dirt and blame on the after taste of chocolate, I know I'll just break If I take a bite. I shake my head saying "No, I'm fine"
"Just eat, I baked it just for you" she says as she pours another glass of wine,
She's been drinking since I was nine, just after I broke my spine and I had to get surgery so mom found comfort on the nursery watching the fat little babies laugh and sleep, she claims there was so much peace she just had to get a drink.

"Just freaking eat" she screams at me
"Why can't you just at least eat beans like the other teens?" "But mom If I eat beans I won't fit into my jeans" I say. "We will get you some new jeans, but at least eat the greens" she responds.

I'm so sick of hearing her, I think my mind might explode so I might as well take a bite, I suppose. I grab a fork but I can't control feeling so alone and exposed so tears start coming out of my eyes, I know she is always right. I should eat, I shouldn't feel this weak.
"That's okay Honey, I'm here"  but that normally only lasts for a week until she stops caring and disappears as I sink in my tears, then she comes back and yells I should
Just eat.

"Just eat"
Easier said than done.
Scales,
fear,
and weight.
Are what comes between me and food.

after years of being told how good my body was
i went through puberty.

after years of being asked how much time i spent at the gym
i grew hips
and disconcerting  looks from grown men who thought my fifteen year old thighs were too thick to be sexualized.

after years of wearing sundresses
and being applauded for being the first girl in my grade to grow *****
my metabolism slowed down
and i was made to feel like a cowbell in the least practical sense of the word.

i was thirteen and hunched over a porcelain toilet bowl when i told my friend i had purged and she called me gross as if it wasn't because of feeling "gross" that i was there to begin with.

and i'd grown used to my good-gened friends with their tiny waists and size 32 jeans telling me they wanted to join a gym in hopes i'd run along and lose some weight.

because when i was 13 and weighed little enough to turn heads i felt empty while looking whole.

and when you're fat you can't have an eating disorder, because illness can be seen so how good of a job my ana was doing depended solely on how faint i felt by midday.

in a world where nobody buys magazines it's easy to pretend we don't care for skinny bodies anymore, but when every smartphone is linked to an instagram page and every newsfeed is filled with "slim thick baddies" you can't help but wonder.

if i were to feel physically full why am i so empty?
i cheated myself.
she probably went and cheated on me because my body wasn't slim-thick enough to eat.

and it's easy to say this doesn't apply to me when you see the pictures on the beach but you don't see me scrolling through pinterest at 2 in the morning looking at "How To Lose 10 kgs in 3 Days" posts.

if i were so lucky i'd be a success story and could probably post before and after pictures of my body but you can not hear the ache in my belly screaming at me that it'd rather just be cut off.

when i was fourteen i could no longer wear shorts in public because grown men with wives would turn and watch my thighs clip-clap together as i walked with my dad.
i was asking for it.
i resented summer and the fact that i'd run out of clean pairs of jeans to sweat in.

but if i dare love myself, what then? do i apologise to the girlfriends of the boys who visit me for coffee? do i drink coke light with my whiskey? do i start writing poetry?

I consume time, as I march at a steady beat.
I may seem fearsome, but you I will not eat.
I once was a multitude, in times long past,
But now I am encased in gold and glass.

When I saw you,
My stomach was rumbling ,
I dont know what it is ...
It feels like someone punch me in it.

Every lunch , when you're around
I can feel the pain ,
deep down in my ribs,
I can hear the screams
the scream of my silent stomach


but then I knew it was just a Hunger

When you eat yourself fat it makes you lose your appetite
so you get a job and it makes you think too much
So then you "forget" to eat
My life changed forever the first time I skipped dinner
Now my stomach isn't growling
It's cheering me on
Come on girl this is a sign that you are strong
Do you want hip bones or food?
I want to hear people behind say "look how skinny she is"
Because all I hear is skinny
Forget the skittles and lollipops
We want to feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top
I wake up and my head is light like a feather
I want to be picked up bride style
And it's embarrassing when you're too heavy
Think light thoughts
Like the wind and sun rays fluttering around the world
Leaves slowly falling from trees
We want Photoshop in real life
People ask "have you been eating?"
That's a sign its working
One day I won't have to **** in
Hollow is good
Less space to take up