You know why I'm obsessed with makeup?
You know why I literally BREAK. DOWN. when I see myself in the mirror on one of those REALLY ugly days that I have?
You know why I seem f!cking vain and beauty obsessed and attention seeking because of how self-deprecating I am?
You know why I am currently crying...alone...on my bedroom floor...kind of pathetically?

Because now I'm a little bit scared
That maybe I DO have a disease of the mind
Maybe I DO have something in my head that isn't right
It just seems so impossible
Because I mean
I look in the mirror
And all I see is this hideous shameful beastly girl
So ugly
In fact, I genuinely feel terrible for the people who have to look at me
and I don't know why
I just don't see how anybody could ever possibly think that I am pretty
And for some reasons I'm crying right now
And I feel really alone
But no no no
There is no way I really have dysmorphia
Is there?

I feel embarrassed
Like I come across shallow
And stupid
And makeup obsessed
Because I can't ever see myself as pretty
NOT EVEN ONCE
not even decent
Not even reasonable
I just. see. UGLY.
and ashamed of my face,
And ashamed of my obsession
With cosmetics
Because it is like the only medicine they made
To fix this affliction
Makeup can make up for how ugly I am
maybe it can fix me
maybe I won't hate myself anymore
but it never does
and I hate crying alone!

Break down the mirror, and break me down
brains in my hair and teeth at my wrists,
she said fourteen caps of alprazolam gave her all she needed
she needs a new world, a new earth, a new ruler, that's what she needed-
I told you it wasn't meant to be this way, i was meant to be the prettiest
but girls with thickened veins and thickened wrists are destined for the bridge edge
My silver smiler body double told me to cut out the poison in my veins
and guess what I did it I did it I did it again
tell them your name, dysmorphia, tell them all what you think of me -
start the car and run me over, honey.

Today my feet did not want to touch the ground
My face did not want to break away from my pillow,
My body did not want to move from its embrace with the mattress.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for the floor either.

Today I want to sleep for a very long time,
I don't want to have to wake up until I'm really not tired,
I don't want to have to face another day of fatigue.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for being awake either.

Today I don't want to eat anything,
I don't want to drink,
I don't want to have to wake up my digestive system.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my stomach either.

Today I'm not feeling up to changing,
I don't want to wear my outdoor clothes,
I don't want to tie my shoe laces.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my wardrobe either.

Today I want to be depressed,
I want to lie in bed and wallow,
I want to feel sorry for myself because I am not important.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for feeling good either.

Today I don't want to be me,
I don't want to ever be me again,
I won't want to have to look in the mirror.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my reflection either.