in between downward dogs,
my phone buzzes —
again.
and again.

for fifteen whole minutes,
i leave you unread.

you’re drunk, smitten,
with someone i know,
someone you spotted
at a gig.

you send a live-feed
of your spiralling heart,
ask what to say,
if the moment does come.

i tell you to try.
say hi for me.
talk about music,
the crowd, the energy,
the way the incandescence,
blurry but kind,
makes them look soft
in that lavender light.

and you do.
of course you do.
you take a leap of faith,
while i sit here
in silence,
finding a hundred ways
to rehearse what my heart would
but my mouth will never say.

Whatever you do - you can never lure me
Little does she know I am in trance
Worlds away in her presence
She is everything star - season and air
I hold breath for her perfume weakens me
Sucker for her quaky voice I remain
I hate how she ***** me into her world
Even more - I hate being far from it
Never will I be a citizen
Hopefully a second more she will be mine to hold

Always chasing distraction,
Running to keep ahead.
Always to my next action,
My thoughts I still dread.

Studying till I can not,
And then wanting to get drunk.
Thoughts disappear shot by shot,
So I won’t get in a funk.

My feet start to tire,
I sit and breathe.
The thoughts consume me like fire,
Blazing and burning through me.

I try and get up fast,
To escape my own thoughts.
To avoid my harsh past,
But they keep up their taunts.

I had not thought my face would ever
seek the sanctuary of my hands,
but there it was,
not bowed in grief,
not merely mourning
the life unlived,
the love deferred by fear,
but wrecked by something else:
the animal heat
of language gone rancid,
the static hiss of what I said
when the body was full
and the soul was not watching.

I remembered, yes, remembered
that there was once a chance
for tenderness to grow untainted,
if only I had spoken
with less theatre,
more skin.

And now, this morning,
the carcass of words
I do not recall releasing
lies curled in green bubbles,
sweat-slicked commands,
the syntax of a stranger
panting in my name.

I read them once,
and again,
then never.

There is a violence in revision.
There is no such thing
as un-saying.

And so, palms;
these awkward altars
receive my penitent skull,
not to hide
but to listen
to what silence might have said
had I let it speak first.

you held my hand as we were intertwined
drunk of alcohol and each other
I smiled with your lips against mine
your heart was beating so fast under my palm
your hands explored places not even I knew were there....
it tickled the way you'd pull me close by the waist
I wanted to stay tucked between your arms for eternity
but the sun started to rise
I pried myself out of your arms kissed your lips and said goodbye....

It’s not my fault
Is what I’m trying really hard to believe.
But you are the sweetest
So how can someone like you do this to me.o

It’s not my fault,
I keep telling myself.
I was ******* drunk,
You shouldn’t have take my yes legitimate.

It’s not my fault,
It’s hard to believe you would take advantage like that.
I’m usually the problem .
But it wasn’t mine this once.

It’s not my fault,
You should have know better,
I think you did.
You just knew I would never allow this sober.

It’s not my fault
you jumped at my “yes”
Then had the nerve to say the next day
I would never without consent.

I’m trying so hard to quiet that voice,
Keep repeating to myself,
It’s not my fault,
But I think it’s my fault.

Here I am laying on the floor,
Locked all the doors.
I cut and drank,
The ship already sank.

I’ll do it again,
I feel so **** shaken.
Hurting and numb all over,
It would be worse if I was sober.

When they call me to come down,
I’ll drag myself up and wipe the frown.
Won’t be a difficult child,
To my pain, everyone is blind.