normally
I love
the sum of
the sun,
the summer.
every bleak winter day
I wait for the sun
to kiss me
again.

but today
her kiss
is unbearable
torching my eyes
blazing past my eyelids
radiating right through my core
extinguishing me from within.

every bleak second of today
I waited for the sun
to go
away.

all I wanted
was
some more shuttered seconds
some more blissful blackout
some more ducky dreams.

Glory's who you are.
It's not what I'll achieve.
To be close to you, not far.
Will I ever find you finally?
Though you know what it is to be.
I'll only have one destiny.
Will I keep on walkin blindy,
till time takes hold of me?

Fear lives in my heart.
For my mind sees a coming dread.
My soul still prays to you
through the thoughts of my crowded head.
Please forgive all the bad I've done,
and the things I said.

Most of us wrestle our ball of twine:
the more we struggle to catch an end and untangle,
the deeper our fumbling takes us

for some the fight twists dark,
the yarn becomes barbed wire
and they bleed loose in many small ways

for others the yarn dwindles
microfilament caught
eternally wriggling on the end hook

I call to you now and give quicksand advice:
stop still and calm and rest,
look about you and a hand will come

Its not love on which the strongest Foundations are built,
Its the decency of Merciful Lies,
That are buried deep in our hearts,
Bound! never to peek or pry through our meek
Withered Hearts.

Ten, nine-eight, seven,
Six-five, four,
Three-two, one.
Hopscotch.
No one questioned.
No one laughed or pouted.
The rain washed away the colours,
And we started again tomorrow.

Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
And so on.
We need answers.
We need reasons.
We are stuck in our tomorrows.
Our present fades out fast.

We are locked up in our timers;
Slaves to our master mints.
Our souls are dying,
With nowhere to hide
And no one to seek them.
Time does not stand still.

The chalk was our past time,
The clock is our taker,
And we play ourselves.

timber
down falls the old growth
to be cut to pieces

tumbles
dropped into the ropes draped
towering, it is now laid to rest

down
the forest floor becomes a new bed
dread before, what comes next

It’s again that time of day
To sit staring
At the blank page
That tempts me to resign
Conceed my opinion and drive
To continue this daily stride
But i get over it
And i press the keyes
And write untill im all used up
And hav e no life left to spend

It’s all dread and drudgery
Life is
The highlights only shine so bright
Because there’s n o competition
Around them to outshinte
I can feel myself change
With every steting sun
For each one
Encompasses me in a tidal wave

Im’ urning into somthing,
Someone i am not
Can you sense it too?
Or have you alread y forgotten
That the winter breeze has departed,
And the lihtg push against you
Is my exhale,
Chilling you to your bones
When did I become so cruel?

Is there a feeling worse than regret?
Knowing you’ve done something against yourself and only you are to blame?
What’s more poisonous than being able to live and relive the events of the past?
Than being able to see the rippling effects your actions have?
I cannot imagine anything worse
Than to be stuck in my own body
Than to experience myself so intensely
Knowing what I did
Knowing who I hurt.
I cannot imagine anything more frustrating
Than making mistakes and then knowing
How I could have done better and
Realising the limits of my own cognition
And the stupidity of my own ego.

I ask myself why
But the question only drives me mad.
I spit at my own reflection and
Cower into a corner and long for
A few seconds of non-existence.
I am ugly,
Ugly in the soul,
Ugly in the bone,
And no
These mistakes are not normal.
How can I be my own victim and perpetrator so easily?
And then wake up with dread that I’m not necessarily safe for myself?
I am stuck.
I did know better
But I didn’t do any better,
So what the actual f*ck?!

Most People that say that they understand Your pain.
Do you really understand?

Do You know what its like to be waiting for a call that will never come?

Do you know how to know the end and yet hope for something better?

Do you know what its like to be left alone writhing on all the words that was never said and never heard?

Do you know how smooth her skin was when she held my hand?

Do you know how she made my chaotic world so calm and unburdened?

Do you know how far her absence wreaked havoc in my world  and let me delve right beyond the edge of the abyss that I wish I never knew?