I haul myself into the colors I mix,
Ochre Yellow, Windsor Yellow, Windsor Red,
And for then, I'm not concerned with my concernments,
Instead
I just,
Forget.

I type name after name into an Excel sheet,
Nina, Alexa, Nathaniel, Joe,
It's mind-numbing, I know,
Although,
I just,
Let go.

I read 60 pages in an hour,
A page passes with a minute,
And within none of those I was sad, I did it,
I admit,
I just,
Submit.

The impending sense of dread,
Scurries back into my mind,
​
Whilst I attempt to distract myself,
Pretending to unwind.

When all I’m doing really,
Is finding ways to procrastinate.

To distract oneself from oneself,
It’s fantastically obstinate.

I get distracted by little things
It looks like I’m hunting love
I know I want Love
But then I get distracted by simple momentary things
I know who I am supposed to ask out on a date
But, seems easier to ask someone else
Because I’m too scared to fall for that person
And get “we’re just friends” as a response.
“Hey I love you why you telling me your dramas about the guys you like but end up lying and hurting you?”
I think
But I never say
I just listen
“Don’t be fooled” I say
“I won’t” she says
Weeks later she telling me the same old stories
“Try me”
I think
But I never say
“What if she is telling me to ask her to be mine? What is she thinking?”
I think to myself
Gosh, I wish I wasn’t too scared to lose you as a friend
I wish you knew I mean it when I say I missed you every time I see you after two, four or eight months
I wish you were mine
Just mine
I fantasize about the things we could be doing if we were together
Then I remember what we had
Were we too fast?
Was it a perfect thing on a bad time?
I don’t know, but
I loved every little moment
I told her she’s one of the best things that ever happened in my life
I meant it
When did we **** this up?
When did we become just friends?
Am I in love?
How can I win her back?

(to be continued)

Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

The tears, The tears.
They never stop flowing.

The pain, The pain.
It screams from my body.

The blood, The blood.
I need to stop.

Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

but there are no distractions
everything is a reminder
everything.