i'm so angry
my face feels pale
empty space no art-
ist wanted to draw in

i want something
to fill this void behind
sharp teeth: vomiting
coffee grinds and blood
over my favorite novel
in a dream where my
glasses are still
broken and there's
always been wet bed
sheets, red is nothing
is smothering

oh, i want.
need pain
love leaving i've
never craved laughter
no one here is looking at me
the eyes of hungry gods are
glued to my skin tearing them
selves apart leaving me leaving me
to cope with one less layer
i think there are devils in
the clouds that haunt me.
oh, i need.

i need a cigarette
somewhere between
home and hell

taste fog water
catch a breath
push everything
down with old
blood coffee
splash water
on my face:

who the **** is that?

She stares at the blank page
Then at the far wall
“We’re all mad here,” it says
Whispering
Yelling
Beckoning
I feel so small
A tiny version of myself
Balled up inside
Peering through this strangers’ eyes
Sounds echo loudly
Reverberating through my hosts’ body
I may be losing my mind
Everything is surrounding me
Pulsating
Colossal versions of themselves
I’m in the kitchen now
How did I get here?
How long has it been?
I place my hand in front of my face
It doesn’t feel like my hand
I pick up a knife and slice open the palm of my dead hand
I don’t flinch
I don’t feel it
“Where am I,” I ask as the blood drips from my hand

Hours, days, weeks, pass, I guess
I guess my hands were deep in my deepest pockets
Pockets of - I honestly couldn’t tell you where I’ve been
What I’ve done, or how I got here

But here, here is exactly where I am, I think
I think, wrapping my fingers around the fibers
Fibers of feelings, places, people, wishing
Wishing I knew how to weave, so I could
Weave it back together, across the Great Divide
Between body and mind
Body doing whatever bodies do
When they’re left behind

There's a sensation in my *******
It's annoying and raw
They tell me it's just cause I have to ***
But to me it's all wrong
It associates itself with hands on my thighs
With unwanted whispers in my ear
With a finger in me
A finger that is not mine

There's a sensation in my *******
That makes me feel unsafe
It makes me want to chop it off so I never feel again
It makes me leave my body
It makes me never want to come back
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to die

My body feels like a door that doesn’t fit its hinges
My arms feel like with each swing, their sockets are prepared to fall out
Like the bones will give out
Like the nerves will explode
Like the blood will boil
And never hold again

My legs have been numb from sitting aimlessly for years
My eyes have been blind from beauty and precision

The feeling of falling
Like your body is falling apart
The edge of the cliff or the building or the dock or the bridge
The feeling of falling

Teeth crunching
Dental bill
“Do you find that you’re grinding your teeth?”
Nerves
Cavity

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Drastic expectations / exaggerations none

“We’re just calling in today to mention the eventual termination of your place in this organization.”

Body threatening to be pulled by ghosts
Ghostly wailing and demonic laughter
Astral project
Leave

Become nothing
Become husk
Become discarded shell
Stagnate

Die.

Sitting down I gaze at smoothed rocks,
Waving seas grass-
The breeze touches my cheek.
But I am not by the water,
And theses rocks and grass aren't of the sea.

They were imported from some plant
Looking to make money off the idea.
Stones nestling metal slats,
Sea grass swaying in the city breeze.

I have been staring at them-
contemplating my own existence.
It's like that of the rocks and grass that line Harke Laboratory
I'm out of place.