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donia kashkooli Jul 2018
05/25/2018

i think that the crippling, 12 month long period of dissociation that plagued my ability to do everything that i once loved is starting to go away. i drove the thirty miles to the point of the island where there are no more bodies of land for as far as the eye can see - i rekindled my friendship with the ocean today. i built a fort out of all of the driftwood that had gotten caught in the swell and swept to shore, i smoked my spirit blind, and when the sun went away and it started to rain i cried and i cried.
Ellie Grace Jul 2018
A distant mind
bound to a body that is so very confining
chained to reality i want no part of
longing for these shackles to be unlocked
so i can finally be free
Holly Jun 2018
I feel lonely in the way that creeps under a closed door in the middle of the night and wraps around you as you sleep.
A way that you wake up with in the morning when the sun still hasn't risen.
Somehow the tears aren't spilling down your cheek, but you know they're there.
No one else can see them.

I feel lonely in the way that wraps it's fingers around your throat in a crowded room.
Like when it's your birthday and you know everyone is there for you, but you can't accept that truth.
Your only thought is that everyone is fake, and you too must shine a false smile for this fictional scene.
No one knows the difference.

I feel lonely in the way when you look deep into a mirror.
The eyes staring back at you appear to be nothing but black holes. They are not connected to a body. You have no way of knowing if you exist or not. You touch your face, your hair. You smile, laugh.
You don't know yourself anymore.

I feel lonely in the way a heart stops beating. Like the feeling inside my chest. When every beat feels sharp from the excruciating pain it takes to keep breathing.
The thought that everyone in this world, including yourself is fictitious. A world you made up in your head. And if you were dead?
A dream is just a memory after all.
Specs Jun 2018
Dysmorphic

Whenever I see the word “noon”
I sit and I stare at it.
Logically, I know that it’s spelt right,
But the perfect palindromous parallel
Just looks wrong.

Sometimes in band, I hear a sound
And it’s just not right.
Logically, I know that it’s fine,
But the slight tremor torturing the technique
Just sounds wrong.

Sometimes I see myself in the mirror
And I don’t recognize me.
Logically, I know the body I see is me,
But the soul inside is suffocatingly stifled,
And I feel wrong.
Ellie Grace Jun 2018
Sometimes I can spend a whole day
caught in my mind
so absorbed in the chaos of my thoughts
i lose track of reality
detached form my being

Everything feels completely foreign
like nothing truly belongs to me
Nicole Jun 2018
I don't understand
All the things that I feel
This anger isn't genuine
It's spawned from sadness
From hurt
From pain
I love you undeniably
And it feels like
You dont feel the same
I feel it's pull again,
Like gravity I can't avoid it,
Do I gather my defences,
Attempt to make the peace last a little longer?

Only if I forget something:
That this is my defence
Yet it never needs a reason to grasp me,
Making me crumble under its fix.

Slowly? I ask,
Just one more breath lasting in reality?
Slowly? - gone.
And I won't be coming back for as long as
The storm inside my head lasts.

The truth about this is,
It doesn't like being ignored.
I could try to distract myself,
Only it would never be successful
Once it's on it's way it won't leave you,
Not until it's satisfied and
You're weeping all alone,
Because all that's just happened to you
Is nothing to anyone at all.
Explains my experience of Maladaptive Daydreaming.
to be determined May 2018
Smoke.
Everywhere.
No escape.
Lungs choked by the burning gas floating in the air.
Shrieks of delight in the background
make me wonder what joy there was.
The dead grass crunched under my feet
and engulfed in flame after a tiny, glowing ember
floated from the smoke filled sky and to the ground.
I scream for help
but it is mistaken for joy.
For a smile plastered on an alabaster face and hands
raised to bathe in the shower of sparks
that rain down upon the earth.
Eyes burn with smoke, blurring every image
already distorted by the smog that hangs over the land.
Smiling faces contort to demon
and white winged angels claw from the ground
chanting hymns of forgiveness and eternal life.
But, as if taken by surprise,
the criminal smoke flees the scene of its crime leaving me;
standing there salty rain pouring from
honeysuckle eyes roaming the ankle high grass for signed of life.
Sure enough, carpenter ants skittered under
the pale moonlight rushing back to their mother queen.
Demented angels
melted back into the ground,
not even a mound left from where they clawed through.
Demons smiles reverted to tooth filled grins.
'Kathy,' came a far off voice. 'That was epic!'
Self-made rain stained my cheeks
but no longer poured from my eyes.
Elated strangers whom I felt I knew
overwhelmed my frozen figure, shouting about
my amazing performance I didn't know I'd taken part in.
I muttered under my breath,
'God bless the U.S.A'
wrote this a year ago
couldn't wait until July
levi eden r May 2018
it grew and grew until i couldn't sink into my chair anymore.
this growing anxiety that flared up inside me whenever someone walked past me.
irrational
and confusing
but real,
very real.
paralyzed where i was sitting,
i couldn't even lift my head.

this can't be happening.

this wasn't happening.

as she called my name, everything went silent
and everything stopped.
deer in the headlights,
i shook this feeling off and smiled,
i'm okay.
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