This summer, I’ve thought a lot,
About how I’m in a liminal standstill.
The crossroads of life,
Childhood to the left, and adulthood to the right.
Which way do I go?
I don’t have a choice.
The only way to go,
Is forward toward the void.
I must go on,
Listening to the songs that spark my envisioning,
Imagination bleeds into reality.
I must accept,
That there’s never enough time,
But that’s okay.
I’ll water her flowers and try not to complain,
Because she means the world to me.
The singer and the lyricist,
Moved on from their precipice,
Perhaps I can do the same.
I’ll rise, like a daisy,
Even when the world is feeling hazy.
I’ll remember what the Wendigo told me,
And what I learned from Dracula’s kidnapping.
It’s humbling to find,
That I’m at the world’s whim as much as it’s at mine.
Just a change in my paradigm.
I’ll make sure I won’t be like Vain,
Or like Russel, used for his brain.
I’ll overcome my fear and drive,
And leave my other fears behind.
Acne won’t entrap me forever,
There’s always another summer,
Though the heatwaves might be a ******.
I’m all in,
Avoiding artificial interactions.
I’ll try to see what they see,
And overcome this anxiety.
Oh, what thoughts can be stirred from a monochromatic shade of grey,
But I’ll fight through the haze.
I’ve seen,
That the last summer of reprieve,
Is as much of an ending,
As it is a beginning.

Occasionally, I feel like,
I’m being buried by a landslide,
So I go into my room and turn off the lights,
Play music to drown out my plights.
Suddenly, I feel a bubbling,
Deep inside my soul.
It’s been bottled up,
My dam isn’t enough,
And I’m about to lose control.

The truth is,
Sometimes I cry.
When I’m tired of bottling it up inside.
A deconstruction of pride,
Fractured fragments left behind.
My dam can’t hold back,
The tsunami that’s on the attack.
Sometimes, it’s overwhelming,
It can feel like I’m drowning,
In a pool of sorrow,
Of my own making.
It’s hard to stop it,
So methodic,
It keeps on coming back.

Pathetic, sympathetic,
It’s difficult to control it.
Cathartic, ironic,
How do people deal with this?
The waterworks are a virus,
That everyone’s contaminated with.
Can’t show weakness,
Got to keep a straight face,
A mask from the pain.
Let the pillow be the bucket for my sorrows.
Let the tears dampen the fabric of the case.
Let my blankets cool me off, calm me down,
And help me change my frown.

Sometimes all we need,
Is an emotional release.
Perhaps, that’s the way,
To inner peace.

When people compliment me,
I feel a crisis of identity.
Was it I whom they were referring?
Or was it someone more fitting?
If I saw what they see,
Perhaps I wouldn’t be,
So self-deprecating,
Maybe…
If I saw what they see,
I could confidently,
Lower my walls and be me,
So much uncertainty.
I’m not one to accept compliments lightly,
I consistently convince myself that I’m not worthy,
Of their praise or their appreciation.
Cursed self-deprecation.
How could I accept such an honor,
When I look in the mirror,
And see,
Someone other than what they are praising?
If I saw what they see,
Perhaps I wouldn’t be,
Filled with anxiety,
About whether or not I’m being true to me.
And if I believed,
That I was what they see,
Maybe,
I’d feel happy…

Sometimes when I look outside,
And see the Sun drowned by dark clouds,
I can’t help,
But feel my mood being dragged down.
Some days are shrouded in a,
Monochromatic shade of grey,
And at times, while it might not be ideal,
It’s okay.
The Sun will find its time to shine someday.
However,
When that melancholy grey takes over,
I can feel my heart take a dive,
Darker thoughts creep into my mind.
“Are you being proficient at life?
Or are you wasting your time?
Your accomplishments mean slim to none,
In the grand scheme.
It won’t help you run,
From the inevitably closing gap between,
You and responsibility.”
It comes fast,
It lasts,
It doesn’t just come to pass,
One lap.
It stays,
And it won’t ever go away.
Oh, what thoughts can be stirred from a monochromatic shade of grey.

Sometimes, when I,
Attempt to talk to others,
It can seem like,
AI is on the rise.
AI,
Artificial interactions,
Superficial,
Never gaining traction.
What’s the point,
Of such forgettable discourse?
Small talk,
Exceptionally bores.
The same simple assortment of questions,
Like I’m being read a script.
I leave the conversation,
My desire to connect stripped.
Yet you have to jump the hurdle,
To have a genuine connection,
But sometimes,
These artificial interactions,
Make me wish that I were,
An AI.

Two words were all it took for his world to shatter.
Two words said were enough for him to question if anything mattered.
Uttered so thoughtlessly,
A waste of vocabulary.
Two words were all it took for him to shut down,
Two words whispered in his ear, causing him to frown.
No one cared about his feelings,
Or how those two words could carry a darker meaning.
Two words were all he needed to make a mistake,
Two words meant everything and caused him to break.
Said by someone cruel,
But all it takes is one fool.
Two words repeated in his mind.
Two words dictate what he should leave behind.
Two words hurt him, summoning a pain in his side.
Two words…

Meaninglessness of suffering
                                      Until the end of times       will be inspiring
                              In your head you won’t hear the shuttering
                            For once, you have a reason to be so tiring

Why would i ever let go of the pain ?
It’s my only proof against your dreams
Hurting you was not my plan
You still believe me as a villain it seems

I know you didn’t mean to love me
My blood not on your behalf
You’re not at fault, truly
Everyone leave when it gets tough

Im my own creation
should stand in pride
For all the emotion
The world was supposed to guide

Neglection of overwhelming feelings
I believe can stand a match
for a twisted knife in the middle of a ring
The poor souls to weep and watch

made my self a god
Who affects the sluggish
felt like the old bud
made my love perish

Now i cant breath
Wondering how you feel
Sinking and seeking filth
Felt too real

Envy tells me a story,
One, he was told by my friends.
He tells me about their happiness,
And how it never seems to end.
How their lives seem to be so perfect,
While I’m crumbling apart.
I wish Envy would leave me,
But he’s adamant to break my heart.

Envy whispers triumphs,
Another crushing defeat.
I should feel happy for them,
Instead, I feel weak.
This world is passing me by,
While I stand frozen in time,
Perhaps my chance to shine,
Passed long ago.

As I look in the mirror,
Envy tells me my inadequacies.
He points to the acne,
And the glasses on my face.
He isn’t kind to me,
And he calls me a disgrace.
I beg him to stop,
But he only laughs at my expense.
Oh, how Envy hurts me,
But, oh, how it makes sense.

The snare of comparison is tight around my neck,
It won’t come loose, it’s like a noose,
Except wrapped inside my head.
Like a rabbit in a trap, I’m trapped,
With no way to break free.
On those days, I feel, oh, so lonely,
I guess I have my good friend Envy.

Am I a horrible person,
To feel this way?
This envy is constantly darkening my sunny days.
I’ll just look at my word search, as I search,
For the words to say,
And how to say them.
While Envy watches and lurks,
With a subtle smirk,
As I break.
Oh, I envy…
I envy them.
My joys seem,
Arbitrary in comparison.

Envy keeps telling me his sweet stories,
As I consistently demean myself for not being so lucky.
He’s a poet, too,
And he knows what to do.
He never feels restrained or contained.
Envy, he’s crazy, but so captivating,
Showing me what I am missing.

A boyfriend,
I hope it goes well,
And doesn’t meet a bitter end,
Like many stories tell.
Junior year,
Only two more left to go.
When our paths veer,
Will I end up alone?
Envy’s torturous words,
Uttered with malice,
Gathered together like herds,
Feeling inadequate.
Like a knife in my back,
A personal attack,
Against myself,
Highlighting what I lack.
He paints me a portrait,
Of things I’ll never have,
Throw it to the fire,
And watch it burn to ash.
Gather all the remnants,
And add it to the stack.

Pain, heartache, isolation,
Stirred to the surface due to one emotion.
Outsiders might say I have no reason,
But this envy is just like an ocean.
Its waters are so frigid,
Not even Posideon could stand it.
Occasionally, there are ripples,
From little tiny drops.
They’re let out,
And it’s hard for them to stop.

Envy’s villainous gaze,
Would turn Medusa to stone.
I’ll be the lonely monarch sitting on his throne.
I’ll watch from my tower,
As people live in the world below.
Envy by my side, all alone,
In my merciless, envious home.

So, I’ll envy…
A fleeting sense of control.
I’ll envy,
The noose taking hold.
Envy,
My sweetest friend.
Envy,
The one who’ll stay till the end.
I can’t help but envy my friends.
He’s whispering again,
His voice overtaking my head.
I envy…
Oh, I envy them.