I sank into the familiar couch — tense, prepared
for chastisement. I was met with warmth, a calm
reassurance that the events that had transpired

all served a greater purpose. A necessary unraveling.
Arriving at the end of myself at last. Could I salvage
a sense of normalcy? Did I want to? Things had shattered

beyond repair. What was I meant to hold onto? Discard?
Regeneration seemed an unattainable summit not meant for me.
As if reading my mind, my therapist spoke, his words of truth

stirring my spirit in a way my mind could not fathom.
When you experience that fear, go back to that place of surrender.
No more and no less. In silence, we sat in that dim sanctuary

for some time, the drone of the cars outside a sharp reminder
that I was still alive. I had people on my side who did not turn
their eyes away from my fragmented state of being. I spoke now

of the gradient colors of maples across the street. A brilliant hue.
My tone was flat, but it was still an observation made
with intact faculties.. Yes, that’s it. Keep that awareness. My therapist
nodded his encouragement. This is good. You’re able to focus, to recognize
beauty in the mundane. Keep going. Somehow, this simple statement
imbued me with the resolve to continue. My voice wavered

as I recalled how I saw my entire life flash before my eyes  
like a cruel cliché. How I was swept up into some
parallel dimension. One that was so much more real than this

world I’d been immersed in. You need to write it all down. At this point,
you may not be able to differentiate which parts truly happened and which parts
were illusions. So you’ll need to capture it all. His words rang true, and yet —

how could I bring myself to experience this once more,
to solidify what had happened to me and what I was still
moving through? Something in me knew that he was connecting it

all back to something much bigger than either of us. Something
or Someone present through it all. A silent witness who held the only
key that would set me free. The Truth that still waited patiently for me.

How can I have loans to pay,
when i can't even find a way,
to keep my guts from spilling out?

How can I save each bug,
So many small holes dug,
Where do I get little gravestones?

what better day than today--

I can't sleep and I can't
stand the daisy bushes at dusk with their
orange glaring eyes glaring
at my fingers turned robot joints back when
they used to--

feel differently
and I

swear I
haven't changed so much and to
prove it I'm trying to dig the eternity out of
algae green and deep walnut irises stranger
and stranger with spoon shovels made of
shallow questions and polite interest without
getting so bored or
wishing I was--

what better day than today to die

I've tied the limbs of my
spirits and monsters alike into knots and
dizzied them in labyrinths of my own muddied judgment
paved with crushed clocks and compass needles and
they are all so far gone, I am
untethered--

even far from my dear music and poetry--

my soul is already split like colored mosaic glass, each of
a thousand fragments not just belonging but
borne out of some piece of art that will long outlive me, so
anyone that minded could
easily piece me back together in death

how I wish that death were the end,
the end, and not a passing over into
some other unknown rumored to outlast everything,
what more terrifying than that and if
I believed there were a true end I might have sought it
much sooner--

what is left for me to do but
papier-mache my body with my old poetry like a
sarcophagus absorbing the things I
trusted to hold me so much closer

See my knees?
can’t you tell?
There’s not a thing
that when I fell
I should have hit it,
dads loudest yell.

God, what I would give for one more moment with your lips pressed against mine, your hands running down my spine, but the thought feels so sickening. A sickeningly sticky sweet fantasy.

Every waking moment is a reminder of your departure.

I still see you in the window, the wind blowing the curtains behind you, your silhouette perfectly outlined by the morning sun. The scent of your perfume still lingers throughout the house, as if you had only just left for work. You should have quit working there a long time ago; they didn’t treat you right, so why did you feel that you just had to keep smiling and put up with it?

But nights are the hardest. I can’t stop hearing your laughter as I try to sleep, but the bed is so cold without your warmth. My dreams are plagued by your face, but even so, I’ve noticed it’s begun to fade, so much so that I feel I can only see you in the pictures that hang on our walls.


I can’t keep from wondering what those final moments were like for you. Did you think of me or did it go dark in an instant, quick and painless? Why does he get to keep on living when you don’t? He is the one who messed up, so why did you have to pay for his mistakes? But he walked away, so intoxicated that he had no true grasp of the situation, yet neither did I. Would I have known, I wouldn’t have…

It doesn’t matter, not anymore.

You were the one shining light in my life to live for, but now that you’re gone, I’m left without a reason to keep going. But, I have a plan to see you again. After all, I have nothing I’d regret leaving behind. I know what you’d say about it, but let me have this one selfish wish; this is the only thing left that matters to me.

See you soon, my love.

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