trigger warning: self harm, cutting


unsheathed my blade
and held it to the light
and there, along the edge
a line of red
dried on
from night after night
of being used
over and over and over
in a desperate, futile attempt
to feel something
to control something
to see the damage
to see the pain
to attain release

and as i clean my blade
i'll wipe away the bit of me it took
to make myself bleed
so many times....
all over...
and then
i'll put it away
and move to wipe
my blood-soaked wrist

my chest hurts just thinking about you
my feelings clawing out of my chest
like an animal caught in a cage
i feel bound by the idea of you
glued to the image of us two
my body can’t forget your touch
my skin relives each moment
every neuron sending dopamine straight through my tired brain
serotonin seeping through the cracks in my depression
oxytocin making me high just for a moment
before the anxiety kicks back in
cortisol replacing common sense

the smell of your cologne
something old and outdated
yet so perfect with your chemistry

i miss it
our chemistry
the aching pull towards your body
even when all we did was scream and cry
i needed to feel you against me
i need to feel you against me
one more time

i need to know if it was real
i need to know if we could heal
could this slipshod marriage of hope be renewed

i said i wanted nothing serious
you said the same thing too
we were fools
but love’s a fools game
and baby we were the best at it
until we started breaking the rules

the thing about hindsight is
it’s not 20/20
it’s more like 50/50
half reality half make believe
i see rose colored street signs
rose colored tears
everything stained with pink
from our single shared year

everything that’s rosey
turns black and blue
but god how i’d be so willing
to be covered black and blue
if i was doing it with you
how i’d pay to cut myself open
just to let you back in
the deepest of heartache
was from our own sin

maybe it was both of us
who sunk this old ship
but i am the one
who is still waiting adrift

yes i’d go black and blue every day
if i knew at the end of the night
id be coming back home to you

I was with a man who would bake glass shards into strawberry shortcake

I would thank him while biting into the frosting and the fragments

It became our routine

Sugar and sutures went hand in hand

Sometimes I think I craved the pain. Perhaps I earned the shredded esophagus and internal bleeding.I never had to part my lips.

He was the one who walked away after all I swallowed. I begged him to come back. Wrote poems about my hurt. He was my home.

But even I found others.

Other ways to get the glass fix.

It was never my intention to keep swallowing shards

But with a spoonful of sugar...

I still cry from all the ugly damage that's been done, by myself and by the others. With my soft tissue shredded, I see so much ugly. Sometimes I can feel my vessels thumping underneath the spidery scar tissue. Phantom pains stab and hot panic puddles in my chest like a pool of blood.

It's moments like this that I wonder if I'll ever heal.

You are here
Hope into love

I'm not ready
For you

Torn
Corrupted

Dreams eclipsed
With unreasonable detergent

Shot down provisions
Unequal complications

How come
You're in my life?

I once caught a sparrow, small and black, its wings shivered as I took it in,
Fed the poor little thing, stroked its breast and listened for a heartbeat,
There it was, small but strong, its pulse erratic. Scared creature,
After the day, it had recovered and was ready to fly away, as it was born to do
So, I broke my sparrow’s wings.

Now my sparrow sits in its box, its heart is small and strong,
But I don’t let it out to see the light of day for too long,
I love my sparrow, I look at it night and day,
My warm embrace, from time to time, reminds the thing that it’s mine,
I keep my sparrow in the dark

Today, my sparrow was looking as effervescent and as strong as ever,
It hopped with pride and glee and looked so lovingly at me,
So, I took it out of its box and placed it by the open window,
The wild-eyed adoration of Raa was in its eyes as it peeped at freedom,
So, I broke my sparrows wings.

My sparrow is looking a little tired and upset,
I placed it in the box without a friend or a strand of hope to live on,
I told my sparrow that I love it and that it is special,
And it believes that I love it as it loves me, but I only like it because it is black.
I keep my sparrow in the dark.

Perch up here on this stool so we can judge you, analyse and season you and so help redefine you. Let us make-up for the blemished you, whatever the level of damaged you and so apply a brand new layer to you.

We can enhance you with a new shade of you, we can sponge, brush and fill-in you, conceal the less-than-perfect you. We can blush you, highlight and contour you, fade you and blend you right into the crowd of our just-like-yous. We can make-up for the real you and ensure noone ever gets a clue as to the essence of the beauty of the original true you.

Just perch here and let us re-make you.

I’m feeling like our love is just a chalk laid outline,
What once was vibrant now just a memory.
I see our differences, too often I can tell,
Is this our love? Or emotional slavery.

I’ve been too busy climbing mountains in my life,
I thought I was on top but realized you’re the sky.
I spend all this time apologizing and I don’t know why…
Where has it gotten me, just to show I’ll never fly.

I want to fall for you into an endless escape,
But it seems I’ve been pushed down an endless staircase.
Feeling damaged and broken with words you’ve spoken,
Why do I feel like you can’t ever be replaced?

I’ve seen darkness and tragedy has seen me,
It’s shown me these broken pieces of everything.
But in the end that’s ok, I will soak pain in today,
Wear it as armor, to cover the wounds of yesterday.