Dad,

Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.

Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.

At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.

I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.

At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.

At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.

But even love can’t make room in busy.

At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.

But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.

At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.

No one cried for me.

At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.

Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.

I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.

I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.

But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.

At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.

Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.

I never thought I'd turn twenty
At sixteen I skipped school and sat
Under an oak tree in the park.
Beneath the green leaves, blocked from
The sun, all I thought of was death

I hated sleep fore it brought a
New day. Always too tired for school.
Mornings I thought of bed. At night
I stayed awake cold and twitchy

I drove my Dad to anti depressants
My Mum to fear of finding me cold
I feel so guilty for that. Still,
I won't say it. My lungs won't allow it

Taking a breathe I look through the
Leaves and see the sun again

Thank you,  my dad..
For presenting me this beautiful world
And allowing me to inherit
Your qualities and principles, always heard.....
" Stand with truth and stand for truth without any fear"..
Which I dearly and sincerely follow
With a firm promise never to unfollow..!!

You have  given me the identity
And owe it to you for what I'm today
and the person I'm every day..!!
With pride and as protection
I carry your name as a part of mine
Till my Doom's day !!

my reincarnation is that of a treasured cup

i’m almost entirely certain that my death will play a role in the cup’s creation

whether it be the clay I molded my alien hitch hiking signs into

or its maker lays back and reads in a hammock the same hours I do

just half way around the world

once my soul has leaked and drained through hell’s piping system

and what’s left escapes through condensation

the clouds will carry me to a bazaar

where the ceramic painting class is struggling to use oils

with rainy weather

in ******* up the work of most attendees

several of them will hide me in backs of cupboards

until they move or my soul dies of dust

one, if god allow two

painted mugs

are repeatedly stacked with layers of sediment

coffee, *****

tea, *****

coffee

tea with *****

a cigarette accidentally

my father should feel proud to know

his son’s vices followed him through the afterlife

that i got a nice home

that i accepted leaving parts of my soul in old cupboards

(Dad), i didn’t mean to contact the aliens so recklessly,

and i feel like I have to get off my *** if i read too much

i’m sorry i thought smoking was non-conformist

you’re right, i lied a couple of times

it cost just as much integrity as you said it would

i know i will do much better as a treasured cup

A man never knew
Without you I'm lost 
I do not know you
Who am I without you 

Mind runs in circles
Things thought unsaid
Said things unresolved 
Words written unsure

Eye to eye not seen 
Frayed bridges remain
Relationship never had 
Love I still did

I'll miss you always
Gone but not forgotten 
Son always wanted 
But can never be 

One last word 
Before I go 
Hope I can live 
Up to the man I never knew

Mother, you made me, me!
Thank you for everything I am.
Father, thank you for making me
who I am not, everything I would loathe,
could of been me.

How I have changed along the way.
Your love, sacrifice and dreams,
moulding me as I grew.

Forgive me for the times I made you cry.
For the wrong words I used and actions
that may of caused despair.

Take this in place of the times I forgot
to say I love you.
The times I forgot to say sorry and the
the times I forgot to say thank you.

For you mean the world to me!
I hope to make you smile and your
hearts beat with joy in years to come.
Just as mine does for you!

Last night it rained petrol, it started pouring.

The rain merged into a senseless storm, somber water and omen drops slowly trickled down the wrinkled silken sheets that Mom never ironed, but always loved.

The drops fit perfectly through the cracks in the broken roof that Dad never fixed,
but promised he would,
and black mist began to fill the rooms.

The storm was brute and merciless,
and it soon came knocking at the door.
Thick air tainted the bottom of the mossy walls,
where Sister knew she shouldn't,
but still painted purple dinosaurs.

The asphyxiating wind ran fast across the narrow corridors,
ripping pieces of the broken family portraits that Brother sang to
on his ever first encounter with alcohol.

Petrol fell endlessly for days.
Thunders echoed on the dense raindrops,
and the whims of the winds drowned my desperate whispers to make it stop.

---Neighbour's house always had sun,
and Mother and Father,
and Sister and Brother,
years ago had moved to another town

And sitting there was I,
watching as the petrol poured down---