Standing on the overpass
i stop to look away
the endless stream of cars
sprinting from under my feet
dusky yellowish lights
start to illuminate the night
the city is beautiful at this time
yes it sure is
as the autumn winds blow
coolness grows
the heart feels barren
for no reason though
stars in the sky
twinkle once in a while
each one is an unknown dream
each one is too far away
a drop of rain fell from thereabouts
i saw it so i reach out
it touches my cheek
slips out of the corner of my eye
then in a trice
It floods the cityscape.

  .
To feel things as deeply and as multi-layered as you do-- instantly and all-together, at once.. is to live a life that is far too often right on the edge of temptation, right on the edge of falling. The Art of holding on to who it is that you are, is to never betray that beautiful Self of yours.. whether in word, or deed.. at any given time. Ok it is to  f e e l  things as deeply as your luscious body and spirit so fully can, but as you already so clearly know.. certain "acting on's" can create such havoc within and to the things (people) you find important.

  .   .

That being said, a form of self-betrayal also is to deny yourself the beautiful Gift of fully feeling at all.. in order to help keep a peace that will forever come at the cost of who you truly (fully, within yourself) are.. even if it were to be acted out all alone on the edge of your bed.. or even against the back of a couch.  In the world of Magic and Deep Deep, Beautiful Feeling, there is always a place for the win-win within you, and also within the world that you currently live in, over there.
You are an artist.  An artist  F E E L S.    
The Universe will always, always help you find a way.
Always. xox

  .   .   .

You are far too strong and stubborn to ever fully give up. That, I know. There is also a  'weakness'  within you that hinges around the word "Vulnerability" when the Beautiful world of Magic overwhelms and then truly overtakes you. Your spirit's receptors are far too deeply intertwined into the gorgeous molecules of that lusciously-Responding body of yours. That makes your Path (your "Portion") that much more difficult to endure. There is a tremendous aloneness (loneliness) in living a life that has to so often be  subdued,  solely due to the consequences within others that truly do not understand. What you need most of all.. is simply to be Understood.. yes, Kid.. within all of that seemingly tremendous complexity of feelings and experiences.. your brilliant complexity of mind.. and the succulence of body that so gorgeously feels.. Everything.
It is not a "Curse", young Love.
It is a beautiful, beautiful Blessing.

  .   .   .   .

Surround yourself (if you can) with those who understand (because they struggle within the "Deeply Feeling" world as much as you). It is in no way an act of unfaithfulness (in any way whatsoever) to fully feel. Finding for yourself the most beautiful of Releases within those Moments of deep feeling is the beginning of your way 'out'.. and (so very lusciously),  the way through. You are so very worth your own fighting for.. in order to hold on to every single part of who it is that you are.

Every single beautiful part
(and those within you that you currently "think" are not beautiful)

Am I terrified or uninspired?
Am I dreading the process or just tired?
I want there to be meaning
to every pen stroke
Do I want to be impressive, profound, prolific
or do I just want someone to see me

That happened before, a few times
and it always felt like dreaming
yet it was always a fleeting moment in time

God, are you still there?

Do you see me the way those people did
poring over my work and investing in it
telling me what you really think
saying so much more than a passing “that’s good Dill” and then leaving me behind?

Is it good enough for you to like it
Even if it’s technically bad?
Does it get your attention?
Or do I already have your attention?

I can’t use my creativity to make you love me
I never had to
It’s such a thrill for someone to take notice of me when they didn’t have to
But you never had to, never have to
But every moment you notice me, don’t you?

Dad?

Do you notice me?

Even when my art is bad?

Do you believe I can do better? That taking the time to improve is worth it?

But my improvement doesn’t make you love me more either, nor does my lack of it make you love me less

But I don’t want to be disobedient

I don’t want to keep burying my pens in the sand

I want to love my art the way you love me, unconditionally

I don’t right now, right now I hate it
I hate my limits
I hate the lost time
I hate feeling like an invisible artist
yet I’m terrified to let myself be seen again

But it’s too late for that now

You already see me, don’t you? Warts and all.

And beyond what I could possibly understand
somehow, you like what you see
You love it
You love me

Even when I’m burying myself in darkness
Even when I’m dead inside and hiding from everyone
I can’t hide from you
I never could no matter how I’ve tried

All those wonderful times when people did see me, they saw my talent and my creativity and thought it was worth their notice when I never asked for it

That euphoria of being seen and loved

What if I could live there instead of in the shadows?
What if I could be grateful for what I have?
What if I could see the truth that I’m always seen and known?
What if you’re always celebrating me even when I feel worth the opposite?

Maybe you’re in my heart
always telling me how smart, talented, creative I am
Not lying about my weaknesses but celebrating my strengths

Can I hear it? The sounds of divine celebration?

Can I listen for what’s real instead of tuning that out in favor of the fake?

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight
Oh Lord, My God.

When the moonlight
lowers
i see in the night
a tearful ghostly light
don't know where it came from
can't even get a whiff
but i know
the petunia is meditating
unperturbed
can't really read her heart
can't tell how strong
she actually is
though the frost and dew
have barged in
the angle of the fallen fence
is expanding
but this i know
when the morning comes
she'll be awake
she'll be something different
i know
it must be the sunrise
that is able to mulch and sprout
the most captivating smile.

All trees
dressed in pink
the longings
that were planted here
over the years
I've been faithful
in my visits
approaching gently
quietly leaving
pink and white petals
like devoted butterflies
flapping their wings
to decorate that sky
of memory
beautiful things of the mortal world
finally return
the season of sakura
like my thoughts fluttering about
in the first flush of her romance
the sanctity of this retreat
the pink flames
reflected on lovers' foreheads
fragrances
stored in the depths of time
fly out towards
our love affair.

I can decide if I will let go
and enjoy the moment
with the crepe myrtle across the way
and swing in the breeze with the sunflowers
or
if I will pull the shade of fear over my eyes
and attach to my feet the weight of worry.

Humans are constantly creating
with authenticity.
We have been given the universe-
an abundance of awesome things:
Mysterious monsters of oceans deep
and birds ornamenting trees.
We take these gifts
with mindfulness
and show
what we’ve perceived.

Now the computer
has
become the creator.
But humans
created the machine.
Without our perceived
realities,
the robot has no things.
Nothing to analyze,
digitize,
and pixelate on screen.
It can’t channel feelings.
It can’t express its needs.
It just mimics what it really means
to be
a
human
being.