have you ever held the sun in your hands
sometimes i carry it around in my pockets and forget it’s there
sometimes i feel so full of it that i believe in god again
what else is there besides
the streams of light peeking through magnolia leaves
who am i to the baseball shirt
to the blazer or the black fishnets or the crooked bottom teeth
it doesn’t matter
i smell lemon verbena laundry detergent and it’s like time travel
i’m in our west hollywood apartment again falling asleep on my right hip
sometimes i am forty-two but i am always fourteen
do you see me on the page or in the sidewalk cracks
i wish i didn’t care but i always do
where does it come from
the longing
the need to be loved by the things that we love
i hear a song or read a poem and i’m on my knees
i hate being looked at but
i’d do anything for you to see me

I’m still putting together the pieces of what that feels like –
Leaning in over the table paying no attention of the peripheral vision.
I whisper we can skip dinner just eat me instead.
The drinks run dry and I am overflowing.
My apartment?
I wrapped my hand around yours like the perfect present.
In the moments I am thy wholly myself –
I am in love.
Maybe not with this man but this moment.
& that’s so **** confusing.
Cause this moment wouldn’t be as it is without you –
I slip in the car hoping my dress rides up.
Placing all the intentions I had for the night in the backseat.
I am happy & for this moment – that’s all that matters.
So, I turn on the radio and pause for whatever feels good.
This car ride,
These Santa Cruz mountains,
The music,
& your hand grazing my leg.
I am babbling on;
who knows about quite what?
But I remember it coming from the heart, unfiltered as the moonlight.
There is no better feeling -
arriving as yourself to somewhere you never planned.
I take the long way back to my apartment.
Just so I can hold onto that just for a second more.
It took a lot of these steps to walk into the notion it is I taking You home.
A confidence the opens every door & says I am here as is.
Our bodies fold into each other stepping through my apartment.
Every desire entangled as our legs mirror and cross through the sheets.
Usually by this time I’ve already came up with a reason why not?
But his gaze as I bite his lip tells me this is the only self-assurance I need.
That utter freeing feeling of I want you.
It feels good to let go.
Allowing yourself to reach climatical moments that leave you breathless.
Leave you saying baby yes, give me more…
Give me more life.
& moments that shatter all my preconceived notions about love.
About love not having to be a person
but a place,
a moment,
a smell,
a dream…
Another reason to wake up and & say - I am happy to be here.
Because there is so much in life we must move through,
that whatever brings you closer to you is something you choose.
There’s a lot in life we can say yes too.

& I might be still putting together what this feels like....
But I do know just by saying yes; you are saying who you are.

Enough is enough
We tie a bow around the old
year and share wishes

"don't think too much
of days to come
because your feet will always stand in the present"

happy to be
with our neighbours
at home where we live

nothing special
everything just
good

enough

The birds speak of a kindred soul
One that basks in the afterglow
of a solemn moon lingering in the daylight

and you watch as nights go on
the way it changes phases
falling in love with the idea
of embracing the volatility of life

some pretend
to be
a good wisher
but are just
selfish
hollow
selves
feeding on others
for their
personal shortlived
contentment

lamplight through the leaves
leave and let me love
let me be and live my life
to die, doggishly

puddles gathered
muddled and battered
dry in the heat of the day
rather to go on
than hang on
to life lived

for shame to those
who cling
for going, is such a kind thing

Being a.l.o.n.e.
Nothing short of the feeling of emptiness
But not quite there because we are never
truly
alone
In those moments you find blessings
Find laughter in yourself & your so called thoughts
In those moments you learn what it
feels like to be embraced by yourself
& take notice in the air around you
To be Alone
is lonely, yes
But what is life without a lil reverence
Most often found in those times of
L.o.n.i.l.i.n.e.s.s.