these people

I can’t see them anymore
I don’t want to see them anymore
I have no desire to see them anymore

I never think about
phoning them or
messaging them or
stopping by to say “hi.”

I don’t care about
what’s happening
in their lives or
who they’re dating
or what memories
we had together

yet they insist, they demand
that I visit them
that I sit down with them
that I talk about nothing important
with them

and I can’t say no

because I know how it feels:

during those times,
when I was down and out
and needed someone
to turn to, to talk to
but there was no one around
I felt the terror & the darkness
constricting my cold and lonely heart
as all the vitality and connection was draining
from my ventricles of ire
like blood from a stone

and so much of that
over a lengthy period of time
has made me a lot stronger,
more independent from people
and maybe even borderline aloof
from all human interaction

I no longer need them
I no longer want them around

but I can’t let anyone
feel that same way
that I felt

so long ago.

pitiful.

As you entered the room
stirring air with suppleness of walk
waking up the stillness with jingles of cymbals
making curtains dance to the sound of bangles
aroma wafted into air from canvas and copybooks
my paintbrush grew restless
and pen became enraptured
my eyes, hands and other parts
became electrified.

My heart spread rainbow in the room
like colours of youth and
lilts of life's melodies.

You who are sitting before me
have the power to
change my consciousness
into painting, poem, melody
or anything else!

I know you'll speak no truth at this time.
I've to be guided
solely by your silence, your eyes and
the inaudible appeals of your heart.

I've to settle before I lose the presence of mind-
whether I should use brush or pen
or my eyes, hands or something else
and create a unique
composition
all in you.

-०-

I want to be your favorite book-  
have you thumb through my pages    
make me dog-eared and worn  
fold down my corners at the parts
where you smiled or thrummed love  
and feel your fingers along my spine  

couch curled in the yellow glow of
forty-watt warmth and a heavy blanket  
open me-  
the familiar feel of your eyes  
running over my lines  
until you know me by heart  
  
an old friend that never changes  
a lover that never leaves  
your escape  
your comfort  
for as long as my pages have ink

stone rolls between my fingers like I am the earth
tumbling it beneath my soil rumbling an invocation
of shape and purpose to this tiny prayer of rock

hard dimpled-smooth skin like wings
It knows the bird dream steps of water dance
winks sideways at the sheen surface mirroring
against the wriggle of nature and fate so
that nothing snakes between shores

I whisper my opus in granite and
defy it against gravity

mountain-seed kissing across water’s horizon
aria in flight slick whizz smack of hope skimming depth
then spent sinks to rest in new shallows

impetuous ripples ring along your shore like
sapphire mischief to ebb the sand gritting
between your toes and I wait for you to
ripple through the rhythm back to me

you always made it look easy  
to pry back your corners,  
carve out a piece of your heart  
and transform it into soulsong  
Your words and rhymes laying perfectly over your intentions  

snapshots of your soul  
painted in love and pain and blood,  
whispers in your synonyms and syllables.  
I saw your soul laid bare, and in my heart it was just for me  
each of your tomes a secret glimpse to savor  
so brash to see myself in some  
and cowardly to hope absent from others  

so I wrote.  
stumbling after your eloquence,  
fumbling and unpracticed  
without any of your skill or precision,  
clawing at myself for something  
I could offer, to speak to you  
in your own language  
as if some small piece of you still belonged to me  

which makes you my muse  
of a sort I suppose  
For truly every time that I wrote  
I wrote for you.  
not for you, but to you  
to read me and know me  
my heart pressed between the pages of a book  

and we communed  
as close as 1’s and 0’s would permit  
through lines on a screen  
never able to reach past our fingertips  
a call and response  
in codes and comment boxes.  
A secret conversation between us,  
that not even we spoke about  
until we didn’t speak at all  
but I can still find you in the lines  
and imagine you are talking to me

Now that you've found me after 7 years, it doesn't seem magical or romantic like in the movies.
You have to understand. I thought I'd never hear from you again.
God this is supposed to be a miracle, a red string connection...why does it seem ordinary, kind of boring.
Disappointing, being found by a man who's already kept.