I’m fighting this war

Behind my closed door

I sit on the floor

It’s happening more

More than before

It eats at my core

Behind my closed door

It’s a painful ****** war

I look at the clock

It’s late

And I can’t stop

I rock

Tears falling from my face

And I can’t stop

I slice

I burn

And pick up the pace

There’s no more flesh

Just a river of red

The pain is unbearable

So I crawl into bed

It’s 8 o’clock

I head to school

Wearing long-sleeved shirts

Because I am so cruel

Cruel to my mind

And more to my body

It’s an endless war

That I won’t win

Behind my closed door

Let the night begin.

Please be strong

And crack my walls

Break them down

And make them fall

Dissolve

My unbreakable shields of fear

All the feelings

I hold so dear

Inside my head

They seem so strong

The dark gravel road

To my walls

Prolongs

You’ll always be walking

So pick up the pace

Please make the effort

To win this race

Against the road

Close it.

Without an authority, you are your own authority. But yet what do you perceive? Right and wrong? Truth and false? 

So can you observe within yourself?

Did you observe anything before ever observing what is inside of yourself, or was it afterwards? what floats inside of you is only what floats outside of you:
is this not how you come to being? Are you truly finding yourself? Or what are you finding about yourself?
(Your opinion is only a reflection of the exterior from yourself; But that is beyond the point.)
If there truly is not an authority, and if you are the authority; how can anything exist from you alone?

know that what you perceive isn’t from you. It is only within your consciousness.

Truly you only know that you exist because of what exists outside of your existence; although you are not proven to exist without the absence of your existence.

Whatever you trust in isn’t from you; and only faith can be what you believe in. So whatever you put your faith in
it can only be of your own knowings, but you cannot have faith in yourself alone.

inside, i asked you to speak your mind
and got no answer
as expected, really
since the you that sits at the back of my brain
is usually silent

and i asked you to tell me with your hands
what you think of me

push me, pinch me
drag your nails along my self-esteem
and leave me marks to be proud of, give me war paint
give me scars
do what you will to my body, take what you want
from my words

just leave my mind alone, leave it
to process this all later
after the blood has dried
and the room is empty
and i begin to feel full again

i wanted you to tell me, but by accident
that your mind is just like mine
and i don't need to worry
that when you open my body up
my mind will unfold with it
and you won't like what you see

and so i distract you from my thoughts
with the disposable skin that protects them
from you

The land is colorful,
Full of life and luster,
Continuous and forgiving.
Forgiving of me.
Forgive the love that is
Taken for granted in the
Relationships of your
Parents -
She takes the dagger
And follows her fate
Down the alleyway
To forget everything
That has happened
In her past fate -
Unnoticed.
She listens to the clip
Claps of her heels on the
Pavement
Down the alleyway.
Eternity is above her headboard
When she sleeps -
Eating at her dreams,
Waiting to be noticed.
She has writer's block -
Which is not writer's block
But a lack of faith in
Language.
She is sad -
Sad for the poor
And the ones who
Roam the streets at night,
During the twilight.
She goes to sleep
Thankful,
Although most
Think she is not.

Don't make me laugh
Your not in love with me
Let me tell you why
It's just your fantasy

Cause this is not love
You surely are mistaken
You've never felt love 
or anything close to it
Cause you never had 
love to under stand
You were too busy with pleasing
Standing up to expectations
Trying to fit a larger than life figure
Chasing dreams that were impossible
You drove yourself harder 
Hoping that somehow you'd make up for the affection you did not receive.
Your running on empty 
And empty is all you can give.

Love is not keeping yourself bottled
And taking flight for the smallest threat.
To your grandiosity.
Love is not sending cryptic clues
Trying to gauge responses
Love is not in hiding
But in making itself felt
Love's presence is silent
Yet the warmth radiates.

So I have nothing to expect from you.
Your tethering is not astonishing
I can understand the see-saw you feel inside.
An emotional wave you fear to ride.

So it's best we let bygones be what they are meant to be.
Don't start the process all over.
Try not to kindle the spark
Cause the fires have blown over.
I've healed myself, of the emptiness you've left behind.
I am not turning back this time.
My resolve is deep,  my mind made up.
I have promises made to myself.
To live a full life and always be content.

So, heads up I walk into my future
Closing the door of my past.
Letting go of the riddle of a relationship
And leaving the hurt behind.
You are now a closed chapter.
The book I could not complete.