I am sorry for the words I say
When feeling down and blue
I only shout that I hate your guts
When I see you hate mine too
I am sorry for taking for granted
The little things done each day
Making food to cheer me up
Asking twice if I am okay
I am sorry for hurting your feelings
With selfish careless actions
I do not realize how harmful I can be
Until I witness your pained reactions
I am sorry for making you worry
Not listening to your advice
Blaming your flawed genetics
For the reason I'm colder than ice
You deserve a much better daughter
Who takes time to care
Someone not only always honest
But who also wants you to share

Hopefully
We live to see
The day I once again make you proud
I strive to grow
And be what you always hoped
Somehow

Until
That day arrives I will
Keep giving you what I can
You will be there every
Step of the way accepting me
For the miserable mess I am

Aching in my chest
Pain of loss
Yet who have I lost?

Running to the balcony
Laying on the edge
Looking at the stars
Taking the pain away...

Barely holding on
The demons I'm made of
Locking myself in
Letting them win
But I didn't stand a chance,
Did I?

They say they'll make you right
But they only make you worse

Long endless highway
Finally pulling to the streets
Intersection
Turning
Someone runs a red light
Braking, we're inches away from being hit.

Driving off like it was nothing
But I could have lost you
All of you...

Later
Sitting alone in the dark
One...two...three...
Four...five...six...
Used to take one
Now it takes six
Going over
But never under
Shaking uncontrollably
But I'll be okay
I'll still be alive...

I feel my heartbeat
Wondering when it will stop
Letting me go
Into the unknown

I swear I love you
But if I stay
I'll only destroy you...
That's all I ever do
To everyone I love...

Fighting to stay
Yet yearning to go
It all comes back to this
Doesn't it?

I can't take your hand
Mine are bound
Living a nightmare
Crying, aching,
Breaking
But somehow
I'm still here
I just want to hear you
Saying
"Lets go home.."

- Jay M
April 16th, 2019

If I melt underneath you
you will pick me up again
and hold me close to you
like you always do,
how I imagine it as I cross the boundary
I have unintentionally laid down
between my own world
and our world.

our souls will probably wind up in the same cemetery.
two plots away.
too far to roll in my grave and see you.
just barely out of touch.
close,
but never quite close enough.

For the last time I closed my eyes,
I heard your cries.
You should not have done so,
For the Angels were carrying my soul,
In musk scented cloth,
To heaven, I had earned my worth,
On earth.
But when you cried and complained to the Lord,
In mid-flight the Angels stopped,
I beseeched them to move on,
Life on Earth for me was gone.
Hereafter is peaceful,
Serene, calm and beautiful,
Neither pain nor sorrow,
Everywhere is light aglow.
I walk in the Light of Adam and Eve,
All the prophets and saints before me,
Mohamed (pbuh),Ali (a.s)and Jesus too,
Tell me mum, what on Earth I
would do,
Mum,let go of missing me pain,
I have not died in vain,
I am happy with my Lord,my salvation.
19/3/2019