I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't thinking again
I didn't mean to hurt you!

I wanted exactly the opposite!
I just wanted you to be happy...
Why does nothing ever work like i think it should?!

I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to argue with you
I just want you to be happy,
Even if your happiness doesn't include me.

But when i try to leave
To make sure i'm not in the way
We always end up fighting.
Or arguing.
Or ignoring.

And it always makes me feel like crying.

I don't want to play the victim card,
Because i'm not the victim.

I get jealous, but i won't admit it.
I want your attention all the time.
But that's not okay.
I get frustrated.
I feel threatened.

I don't want to lose you to anyone.
And that clouds my judgement sometimes.

I can be such a ******* **** sometimes.
I read over our old messages and i look at things i've said.
I wish i could go back in time and slap myself.

I feel hurt because i feel threatened.
So my first thought is to run away from or hurt you?
What kind of idiot thinks that way?!

I don't want to leave you like everyone else has
But i've left people so many times it just seems like an automatic reaction.
And i want to change that,
I don’t want to be “that” guy forever.

Especially not to you,
To the one i care about.
If anyone deserves an apology
It’s you.

I can’t bear to hurt you, but i don’t know how to stop
So instead i just talk and talk and talk
Where are the actions?
I wish I knew
I’m all bark no bite

What kind of man does that make me?
Am I man or am i mouse?
Mouse without a doubt.
But you are worth so much more than this rat that i am
You deserve someone strong,
Man or woman.
You deserve someone who can protect you
And love you
And help you
And support you
And make you laugh and smile
When you feel like you can’t

I honestly don’t think that I’m that.
And it upsets me
And i get jealous
And i feel threatened
Because all around me that i see
Are people trying to come between you and me.

But I’m backing off
I’m letting this drop
I’m leaving you be
So you can go fly free
And I’m apologizing
Because it’s all you respond to
It’s all i can do.

So it’s all i will do.
I wasn’t taught anything else.
So I’ll do this and hope it helps.

Another Saturday evening that I wish I could leave my house and spend time around others
who have crafted intricate masks to hide their hurting, but my mask is crumbling
because it has been worn too much lately, so tonight will be spent
curled up in bed.

I can't escape the storm of thoughts and emotions and desires
and expectations and memories and songs and nightmares and
E V E R Y T H I N G
swirling through my head.

The pain swells in my chest, bubbling up but unable to break out
because these demons refuse to let me assign words to them as I try to cry out for help -
so I stop trying and I lie down to let the burden rest on my heart,
heavy like lead.

My attempts to break out of this funk are futile
(this monster knows me worlds better than those who wish good upon me)
and the harder I chase after hope the more
I am filled with dread.

Sometimes it feels like I've gathered together the shreds of my existence
and made great progress in patching together the pieces with the meager tools I've found,
but my tools are coarse and jagged; they leave behind a
blossoming trail of red.

While I labor so diligently to create beauty wherever I wander,
the shadows laugh at my sorry attempts of pursuing happiness when they know full well
that in order to demolish my collection of mismatched tatters all they must do is
keep pulling at the thread.

All I desire is to reach out and connect with others who are more experienced than I
in travelling the road of misery, but have learned to look up and focus on the bright beams of light that break through the clouds instead of letting the rocky path
rip them to shreds.

One time I found another that was hurting deeply, just like me. I wanted to know how he sang of light and peace while at the same time housing those demons within his soul. I tried to learn by befriending him, but my presence was too much. This isn't just my mind playing tricks on me.
I am clingy; it's what he said.

I know that I'm sensitive
and I know I can be... clingy,
hopefully you're not too bothered
by the way I blow up your phone...
sending you songs or pictures
that I've draw, that I think you'll like
or how I continuously try to write poetry
that isn't written the way it probably should be, for you.
Hopefully, you know I act the way I do
because I'm simply crazy about you.

you said that i clung too much and that i was making you drown
but how could you blame me? you kept throwing yourself at me
as if you were a life saver sent out to sea to save me
i was falling in and out of life around the time that you came by
you didn't save me, no, you aren't an ethereal being - you are just like me
you are just like me
human, merely being
here
where things tend to stray and life falls apart and comes undone
so i'm sorry that i clung
my love was too strong
but it was more than just love
it was everything and more
and you pushed me back out into the sea
but it's all right -
i never expected you to save me

And life gets in the way
Tears aren't optional....
Not for me.

They're mandatory.

No, I don't want a kiss.
I don't want to be attached to you all of the time.
You knew what you were getting into.
Or did you think you were special,
Because you are.
But that doesn't change my nature.
You see me as a belonging to be doted.
I see you as a pest,
But your devoted.

Sorry
For texting you, for bugging you,
for annoying you.
for thinking of you day and night.
by being clingy and possessive.
for staying by your side every time you push me away.
Sorry I get worried about you.
for needing your attention,
for being needy to you.
Sorry for loving you.
I'm very sorry... I can't unlove you.