I have sterile hands and a fragile heart
Tired eyes and heavy limbs
Stony stare and limp lip
I couldn’t want you anymore
And now I’m stuck staring at my bathroom floor
I’m a slave to your magnetic charm
A ****** for your magic smile
All these years, I thought I had a monopoly on your attention...
But now you’re hugging her
And I’m catatonic

I Wish I could love myself
Or
See my own beauty that others apparently see

I wish I could feel my body’s worth and potential
I wish I could live to be the best me

To fill myself with nutrition and goodness
To have wild ambition and love free

To fight for my dreams and feel full and high on life
Why can’t I do this for me ?

Why do I poison myself with sugar and gin
Why don’t I get up and move

Almost brain dead, catatonic
old and to broken
Just a big disappointment to me

My own expectations have fallen and gone
My self respect doesn’t exist

I exhaust from self reproaching jokes and I don’t expect anything of me

(C) Ashley Kane Fb

I watch the dust particles,
floating in the glow of
The computer screen.
My eyes focus on one until it
Gets lost in the darkness.
Perhaps they land on my eyelashes.

"Do the work,"
I tell myself
"Just write down the stupid answers,
Just half-*** it like you always do."

My mind is in constant battle
With my body.
I know all the things I need to do,
Yet my body will not cooperate.

"Just do something!"

I tell myself this as I
Stare at nothing,
At air,
Like some insane
Catatonic person.

I've made being depressed a habit
As if ceasing this life would make me feel less tired
Pretend that I learned something new to appease this emptiness;
Stuffing filth in bloodied wounds does not heal them
Bandages will never fully heal closed scars
Dying will never help this uselessness
I can only stay here, in between alive and dead
The catatonic state that I'm so used to

you are the sun, the moon, every single star.
you are the silent breath that dances with the trees.
you are the snowflakes in the winter,
and the flowers blooming in the summer.
you are both the devil and god
and i could not possibly think
of a more beautiful combination,
because you are catatonic.
you have the potential to explode
and destroy everyone in your path
but instead you internalize your combustion
so the only one who gets hurt is you.
you are the only one i would both live and die for,
but i wish you would learn to live for yourself.