The pain is still present,
steady as my heartbeat
but is no longer overtaking me

My heart aches
literally aches just by the thought of you

I want you to know that everything I said was true
and never have I doubted my love for you

So goodbye for now
hope to see you in my de ja vu

There’s an old friend that calls to me
their hands are shoved into pockets
dark half-circles have settled on their face
and their shoes are worn
They want a place to crash again

This traveling stain has gone by many names
but what I used to call them
the pit in my stomach
always seemed more descriptive
than simply calling them self loathing.

They seem weak now
but under dirtied clothes is hard shell
shell, like a seed that once planted it roots in me
and burrowed till they had climbed my throat
and coated my insides in black gooey hate

they left a sticky residue,
the kind that resists being scrubbed off raw fingertips
and stuck on me post-it notes of resentful thoughts
reminding me that even though they’re gone now
they were once there.

So I started writing my own notes
stickers that filled my mind
then my neck, and chest, and finally
my gut.
Little words that accumulated till I opened my mouth and spewed them forward
I repeated them, until I believed them.

One keeps cropping up,
a small slip of syllables that teaches me to act,
regardless of doubt
I take it out of my leather jacket now,
and pass it on to this old friend
reading it out loud as I do,
and saying, clear and fearless,
“No point but the one I choose to make.”

I have aged,
Nearer to the ledge,
Remaining years are bonuses,
No more onuses.
I am grateful,
Life is more peaceful.
My hearing loss,
Is God's Gift of a rose,
My hearing aid I pretend not to wear,
Shrug off, like I don't care.
When I want,I tune out the family,
And be happy,
I frustrate people sometimes,
To repeat themselves many times.
About me what they feel,
Has made me almost change my will.
I now walk with the aid of a walker,
They made me wear a pamper,
In a way good,
No more frequent trips to the loo.
No more errands,or picking kids from school,
Put your legs on a stool,
Watch T.V or doze off.

I bet the one who survived best
Was the one who did just enough
to spare the lash, but taste no ire
who slipped away when shots were fired

I wonder how they saw themselves
a rat, a man?
God knows what else

In thought as in plan,
in work as in bust

Everything is as was ever done.

I love you but
I really wish I could but
I miss you but
I do care but
I didn’t want to hurt you but

All the buts you’ve ever said
Will turn to all the things
You’ll regret when you’re old and dying