I'm starting to think God loves me better when I'm in stitches and scars,

It's 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and I've ditched a warm house  warm soup and am now in a cathedral whispering " Hi, I'm Allie........ and I erm...I've got an eating disorders"

I'm 50% silk and 50% shards of glass but Somehow I've carried myself past the stairs & now I'm here feeling like the walls are mocking me...

I've spent the past 7 Augusts draped in bulimia and anorexia like a coffin and I'm ready to change clothes because I'm tired of wearing black and I'm tired of how it feels like I've been dressed for my funeral all since I've turned 13 except I'm already there watching myself get lowered into the ground but I never get there.
I never get there

I care about popularity
I care about my looks
I care about the boy in the back of the class
Yet
I don't care about who I surround myself with
I don't care about my health, why eat more than 1 meal a day
I only care if the boy in the back of class likes me
Because,
I don't care about myself
I care about you. The one reading, it's You.
It's me,
Caring too much
Acting stupid for you
Starving for you
Just to look perfect enough so you know,
I'm here for you.
It's is such a selfless act of anxiety so discriminated.

I snap elastic bands around my wrist
as retribution for craving food; eating I must try to resist.
I spend hours in the cubicle purging everything from within,
this monster attacks me from inside and ignites beneath my skin.
I cry when I look in the mirror and see my grotesquely fat reflection,
and my cheeks are red and extra puffy and I have a pale complexion.
I weigh myself at every opportunity that I get,
and if I haven't lost a single pound I break out in a sweat.
I exercise and exercise until I feel faint and dizzy,
and run around abstaining from eating by keeping busy.
It's sleepless nights with painful tummy twinges,
writhing in discomfort and filling the air with screaming whinges.

And it's dealing with comments like "you don't look like you have an eating disorder"
because I am not stick thin, no - I am a normal weight and on the other side of the border.

Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*

❣

You ask me "What are those scars? The ones going up your arm?"
"Why would you even think of self harm?"
"Why do you hate your own name? Replace it with another?"
"Why did you push away your own lover?"
"Why do you ***** after you eat? Why are you so obsessed with being perfect and 'neat'?"
"Why do you cry for no reason at all? Why do you get so angry when there is no reason to be at all?"
"Why are you so afraid? Why do you stay in bed? Why are you the way you are? "
"I am sorry, was it something I said?"

You see your questions don't scare me, In fact they aren't the first,
Just know this-when you are in pain long enough, you find any way you can to rid away all that hurts.

❥

She's locked herself away,
Hidden from love's painful force;
She's convinced that if she's all alone,
She'll never end up with a broken heart or hurt.
❣
But her heart aches of loneliness,
To which there's only one cure;
But she promises she won't ever fall in love,
This she knows for sure.
❣
So in an empty room,
She cries behind a locked door;
She just wishes that love wasn't just pain,
She wishes it could be more.
❣
She doesn't know when she decided she was better off alone,
All she knows is that it's breaking her to her core;
She reasons that if she ends up needing someone and then they leave, She just won't have anything left to live for.
❣
So she sits huddled in the warmth of her lies,
They offer such comfort but she's choking on her words.
Why can't she find true love?
Maybe she just has a lesser worth.*

❥

This was a place I used to call home,
Now it is just a building with no name,
No touch of endearment on the doormat,
No letters of love but maybe they are lost in the post -
A name is just a word
But I have never heard my footsteps walk
These halls with an echo following
Like another ghost woven into the tapestries
Hanging on the walls,
Old photographs of memories that time
Turned into black and white,
The colours of an old life lost and forgotten
In this empty abyss the world has left behind.
My fingers trace the smile of a young girl
That I believe I used to be,
Innocence untouched by the man
She would fight to unsee.
This used to be home
And now my body is just a shell
I long to crack under my feet,
Feel the bough break
And look at the damage underneath
A disordered house is a disordered mind
But people don't see the fight thats inside
These walls that are shrinking to make me less space
So I can go to bed knowing, there is less I can waste.

Ive been fat my entire life.
Things I've tried.
B12.
Eating disorders
Bulimia
Obsessive exercise
Dieting
Not dieting
Throwing up
I'm less fat now
My ribs don't show
I wish they would though.

And you're rocking again, but not like you use to.
Your knees are no longer drums
but they are still bruised
And your fingers are no longer drumsticks
but your knuckles are still red

There is no melody to air guitar to
And there is no chorus to yell out
But oh darling,
there is fighting
So keeping rocking away.