you are fragile
and the boy in the year above you calls you fat
and the girl in the row behind says you look like a rat
and you sit and think about it for a few minutes
minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days
and soon you've lost track of the last time you ate
and soon you've become obsessed with your weight
you forgot what colour your skin used to be
because your arms are covered in red lines
and you cry all the time

you are fragile
and the girl in the hospital bed groans
she is short and she is thin,
skin and bones
this girl is you
and there is only one thing you need to do
but again, all you can do is cry
all you hear the doctor do is sigh
you hear the boy in the year above has died
drunk with a car, an upsetting fate
and the girl in the row behinds period is late
when was the last time you ate?

you are fragile
and the man in the street smiles
he stares for a while
he soaks up any sadness
laughs at your jokes
you are happy -
madness
you remember what colour your skin was
and the last time you ate
because he has fixed you

*you are not fragile

I look past my reflection in the mirror;
whale-sized thighs, and
arms too big for the oceans
rain pours down like sharp daggers
into my flesh, and I’m tired
teeth hurt, and I’m tired
heart pounding, and I’m tired
my mermaid waves leave my head like
an old porcelain doll, dying
and I’m tired
I teach my body how to stop needing,
in with the calories, and I’m tired
out with the calories, and I’m really tired
silent screams echo at the fake reflection
that stares blindly through the broken
mirrors
**** me up, I’m seeing stars tonight
bones aching, and I’m smiling
bullets to the head, and I’m smiling
painstakingly dancing through the night
till I’m void of nothing,
they say empty is beautiful, and I want
so dearly to feel beautiful
calories scattered on the floor, like the
those scattered thoughts of everything
I used to be
and everything I am now
scatterbrain, tell me how you feel
when your insides are void of
self-love
you eat hatred for breakfast
and spit self-pity into your toilet
tell me again, silly girl,
do you feel beautiful now?

Hey,
you're never going to break
       this system.
How can you love
      someone when you can't even
   love yourself?
When you stay up late
       so nobody would see
how you cut your skin
     open until your blood
           comes, flowing nonstop
And you waste so much toothpaste
   because purging and brushing
your teeth works best for you
    Now you can't even give  
      a great *******
without wanting to throw-up.

No one will be brave enough
to take a risk with you
       because you can't even
love yourself.

You're just waiting
    and wanting to fade away
soon.

So you try to numb the pain
    when it intensifies
but most of the time.

You feel nothing.  

but baby, that's okay.
          You're so good at pretending

they're never going to figure out
   how much you want to
slit your throat
      from point A
  down to your navel

Fluffy white lullabies
Cotton candy in the sky
Pastel pinks and baby blues
Fields of flowers, pick and choose.
Silky tears on my cheek
Cold water in the creek
Dark skies with a full moon
Don’t worry love, I’ll be gone soon!
Empty pill jar on the floor
Throw up roses, more and more
Cry with every passing thorn
Wheezing while your lungs are torn.
Pasty skin, purple veins
Fighting off the hunger pains
Counting every single rib
Wipe the bleach off of your bib.
Blankly staring at the wall
As every last leaf will fall
Nothing wrong but nothing right
Sit and think of every fight.
Every sin drips from your lips
Shivers through your fingertips
Bleeding everytime you cry
Down a little cyanide.
Haven’t slept for centuries
Smashing the piano keys
Letting out a heavy sigh
Turn your cheek and say goodbye.

I awoke from the abapical dream I was stuck in day after day
no longer a colourless slaughter house that ***** itself like the alphabet.
In the aphotic corner is where I had lived but you summoned me
and like a bloodshot butterfly you fell from the cocoon that had trapped you for so long
finally free of what had held you back from breaking through before
you ran through the halls and out the door and kept running
running

Today is where I saw ***** stained children
that had dolls for mothers
dolls that spent each second of every day on every detail all to please what?
Their kids? Or that strange mans ****?
I saw mothers without fathers and fathers without mothers drowning their future children
our future intelligence
drowning them in a pile of ******* they called beautiful.
I saw the youngest of girls being ***** and beaten by the first love they ever had and will
beaten till bruises covered the pale skin that was once untouched and flawless
beaten with words that turned to red hands reaching around their necks
beaten by the eyes of strangers that would **** her more that he ever did.
And tonight is where my eyes were nailed open
because through the thin walls of my apartment I heard the carnal moans
and again every **** day till the 9th month because the **** child was born
cries all night and every following night because they won’t feed the thing
it is hungry for love
hungry for feeling
hungry for something to look at other than it’s ******* crib!
Last night is where I saw mental disorders that sunk their fingers through people's veins
schizophrenia, identity disorders, depression and anxiety
to them the world is nothing but hallucinations
death hovering over them when they wake
worms in their skin that only razors will get out
but they never knew the worms were veins.
This morning was where I walked to get coffee and witnessed 12 year olds running from a local market with ******* magazines and videos piled in their arms.
And today is where I saw girls starving themselves and spewing every drop that they consume
because the world around them screams in their ears that they are not perfect
they use techniques that are morbid but so common it’s sane
and under their bed is where the demon hides
a bucket of ***** that has sit there for days measuring tapes and diet pills
pictures of girls who are edited to perfection and the lies to their mothers who ask if they ate.
Yesterday is where the children live
crying blood and driving razors on their skin because they thought it was a good idea
because they wanted attention
because they wanted to see what it felt like to have someone care for them
because they hurt inside so bad they hide it in a box with knives and scissors and razors and safety pins.
Last night was where I saw christmas
spoiled children who get everything they asked for
new computers, new cars, new phones and money
money that goes to drugs and birth control that won’t work.
Yesterday I saw parents who worked from AM to AM again
just so they could put food on the table and pay their bills.
Then people who shot down their lovers with ice
and proceed to ask why?
why are they gone, why are they not here?

But today, today is where she saw the hospital for the first time without being admitted
today is where I screamed at the children who took everything for granted, at the parents who are blind to their children, at the world for replacing wrong with right.
And today is where I broke free and said everything I wanted to.

They called her depression
Not for the way her long hair trailed limply behind her
Or for the way her boney hands shook
They called her depression
Because her empty grey eyes followed you
Because her blue nails were chipped and brittle
Because every time she brushed her hair clumps would fall out
They called her depression
Because she wasn't a girl
She was her disease
She was a ghost
She was a skeleton
She wasn't human
They called her depression
Until
One day
She said she wanted to die
"Ah, we'll call her suicidal than"
They mindlessly bobbed their heads in confirmation
Suicidal
They liked that name
They called her suicidal
Because every time her sleeve fell up
Deep scars and gashes were visible
They called her suicidal
Because her grades fell
Her ambitions fell
Her emotions disappeared
They called her suicidal
And the day she was found
Two identical slashes on each arm
Nobody was surprised
They use to call her depression
But they don't call her anything now

I’m friends with this girl named Ana, I started to eat less.
Hating the person in the mirror, my life has become a mess.
My best friend is named Ana, she always talks to me,
She tells me to skip meals, maybe two or three?
Ana is the one I listen to, she’s smart and full of advice.
I’m starting to get smaller, my health is the sacrifice.
Mia is my friend too, she pushes me around.
The food has become the enemy and I couldn’t lose a pound.
I’m scared of this girl Ana, I can’t get her out of my head.
It finally occurred to me, that Ana wants me dead.
Mia hurts me too, she makes me want to purge
Buying lots of binge food, I cannot stop the urge.
She even hurts my throat, it burns with every retch.
She even makes me exercise, it hurts when I stretch.
I hate Ana and Mia, they make my life a hell.
Someone please hear my silent screams because she won’t let me tell.
I’m a prisoner of Ana, I’m captive to her will.
I’m doing everything she tells, how can I be fat still?
My murderer is Ana, she starved me to the grave.
My heart finally stopped beating, I failed to be brave.
If you want a happy ending, this story’s not for you
Ana and Mia are silent killers and they’ll even **** you too.

bone against skin
jutting out, thin --
i want a gaunt glow
where my cheekbones show
without contour

if running from my issues
keeps me trim,
and tiny meals
make me slim
i’ll keep grinding until
my hip bones pop --
and when i’m dead is when i’ll stop

You fill your body until you can't anymore
You take one look in the mirror and you know what you have to do
You jump in the shower and turn on some music to deaden the sound of your sickness
You put your fingers down your throat and watch the evidence of your sickness go down the drain
You know you shouldn't be doing this, but you can't stop yourself from doing it
You feel so much better afterwards, so you keep the cycle going
You crawl into bed after you finish your shower
You close your eyes and try to go to sleep
You drift off for awhile until it is time to get rid of your sickness again
You tell yourself this time is the last time, even though you know that is a lie
You know you can't stop
You are sick, and you have to get rid of your sickness
You need help, but you can't tell anyone about your sickness or they will judge you
Your sickness has consumed your life now
You can't stop the sickness