The sickness
I purged you out
Like a demon
Finger down my throat
Feeling like a sinner
The toilet my only friend
In my moment of darkness
The demons inside
Screaming as I purged them out
The pain
But feeling great
The secrets hid of what I did
Feeling thinner but like a sinner
But a sinner I am
With a head full of demons
Telling me to purge again
Because I will never be thin enough
Ribs sticking out
I will never be thin enough
Until I am dead
And in the end
My demons will win
I already know this
But still I sin
Because I am a sinner
So here I will purge
Away the sin
Down the drain
Into pipes who hide my secrets
That no one knows

All alone in my sorrow
His stench surrounds me
I try to close my eyes and there he is again
I open my eyes... he's there
No matter what I do he's there
Like cockroaches climbing all over my body
I wanted to sedate myself and lay in bed all day
Moms don't get time off though
The days are long, the work is endless.
I tried to shove food down my throat to fill that deep hole within.
Didn't work, made me nauseous & in pain.
The voice within says...
You deserve to be in pain.
Take it you worthless piece of crap.
I agree, as I do what I'm told.
***** on my hands, ***** on my face.
Surely this is the look of a piece of garbage.
I feel better for a split second as I was able to subconsciously ***** my feelings.
I wish I could ***** the memories that haunt me.
I wish I could suffocate my feelings like the thoughts suffocate me.
In this moment I give up.
I'm tired of working hard to be better.
People don't want the real me.
They want the me that they want me to be.
My authentic self isn't good enough.
I drink my sorrow away.
For a moment I'm able to escape my pain.
I feel high...
Enjoy the moment, for you need to get back to battle very soon.

Recovery is a lot like natural childbirth for me.
You think you know what you were getting yourself into but you don't.
Then you feel like you have gone through as much discomfort & pain that you can handle being pregnant for so long.
It's like when you leave treatment and you're ready for the end of all of it.
Then comes the hardest part; the actual pushing. That's the real life stuff that nobody can do for you. Not your therapist, not your family or friends & not your midwife.
The contractions & everything hurt so badly that you think you're surely going to die.
You think to yourself "I changed my mind, I take it back, I'll actually stay pregnant forever, just don't make me push this baby out."
But you're already in the trenches, there's no turning back.
You can't avoid it even if you wanted to.
You scream on the top of your lungs.
How on earth does anyone agree to do this whole recovery thing? You feel punk'd.
They weren't honest about how painful & excruciating it was all going to be.
They made it sound so exciting...
snapping & congratulating you on the way.
Screaming.... my midwife looked at me in the eyes and said calmly but sternly...
breath... keep breathing. You'll get through this. We don't want you to tear, deep slow breaths.
Deep slow breaths....
Apparently you're suppose to grunt through the pain, not scream, screaming wastes your energy & prolongs the whole process.
Oh but scream & cry you will.
You breath, cry, grunt & keep pushing forward even though you think it's impossible.
All of a sudden through all the chaos pops out this little tiny human being that you love & can't even describe the newfound beauty.
There's slight relieve but your still in so much pain & need more healing.
You will have love, pain & sleepless nights.
It's not easy, not one bit.
But you have given birth to real life.
There's lots of unknowns & it's now apart of your life forever.
Get to know yourself in recovery..
Take care of your new found precious life.
Love it like you would your own child.
Sure we don't know what the hell we're doing but we'll stumble along the way and figure it out.
One day those sleepless nights will pass & that child or recovery will grow and it will get easier.
Don't give up...
even when you're screaming & see no way out.
Keep pushing forward.
You are giving birth to new life for yourself.

The memories haunt me.
Those hands of confusion taunt me.
Who gave you the right to degrade me to a mere object for yourself?
You left claw marks on my heart & soul.
That little mind of mine did what it could
to protect itself from destruction.
Yet your poison ran through my veins.
I tried vomiting & starving those feelings.
Unfortunately the remedy is not that simple.
The antidote is very painful & there's no way around it.
Even though I'm barely breathing right now.
That antidote light is starting to grow & soon there will be a fierce fire within me.
I will burn the poison you placed in my soul.
I may be left with scars but I will no longer be choking on your poison of confusion.

I know it's taking my life away.
I know it's a facade.
I know it's ruining me.
But it's also a whole part of my brain that's different.
And I can't just switch it off.
I can't just make a change.
I can't have good day after good day. There's so many ups and downs. And that's why when people say "well just eat." It's so angering because,
I. Am. Not. In. Control.
I don't want to throw up I ******* hate it. Everytime I do it I literally go "no no no. But I have to."
And when I see ice cream or bread I reach for it and it's like something grabs my hand out of thin air and breaks my wrist.
And it's a physical pain and I want to cry all the time because I hate living like this.
But I'm scared living without it, too.
It's such a comfort and that's what's most scary about it.
And I can never foresee a future for myself. I get panicked because I can't even figure out what I want right now. All I can think about is this disease.

"You can't wear that,"
"You're too fat,"
The words echo inside my empty belly,
"You shouldn't have eaten that."

In the back of my throat is a model,
A body type I've aspired to be,
I shove in my hands to grab that model,
Bringing back everything I had for tea.

I look in the mirror,
Presented with teary, bloodshot eyes,
Seeing my aspiration that had gone to ****,
I still don't look like that model,
I'm still just a "fat *****".